Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Jane1978xx that's fantastic 🥂

@Menora yeah I think despite a usually super high sex drive I almost can't be bothered 😂

I'm feeling fine about the whole welsh guy thing- I think acknowledging that what I'd like is for him to get in touch is ok because I feel really calm and know that it's not going to happen if that makes sense? I'm just a bit bored of dates and miss the comfort of his messages, and not having to bother with actual dates 😂 just slobbing around in our trackies together and having sex. Was cosy 😂

@TheCatWithTheHat it freaks me out if someone seems really keen when I've only just met them. I like to know they're attracted to me at that point but if they're being too nice I don't like it. I'm fucking strange though I admit it 😂 and I can't help it- posh/well spoken isn't really my thing. But that's just me- we all have things that are attractive to us I guess.

@shitwithsugaron yay, so glad things are going well with Mr List! 🙌

I think I'm going to get back on the apps soon. I have worked out that mr straight likes the comfort blanket of me being there to chat to and that is enough for him ☹ I may be wrong but it's pointing that way from our interactions.

Maybe next week, I can't really hang on like this being over invested in one person ....got a few plans this week that should keep me busy and will see how I feel next week.

@bangheadhere40 what happened to mr smile did you totally finish with him ?

@jane yes..i completely cooled it originally, we had a nice night and a chat Saturday but more as mates, then neither of us have been in touch since. Nothing bad, he admitted he had got too ott at first too and carried away etc.

Or just ignore me . No worries. 🙂

@SueDoeName

I think your post just got missed in the middle of the chat that was ongoing.

What your date did was assault and is not acceptable.
It's really difficult to have boundaries when you're dating but you cannot put up with this kind of behaviour.
And if you're a polite person you worry about hurting their feelings, next time you need to tell him to stop and if he persists you walk away.

And as for meeting them all in the same place I wouldnt worry, the staff have seen it all before.

Still not heard from Mr Parrot, I have the day off work today and was meant to be meeting him. I’m not sure if I can bothered to chase after him .

I think I’m going to give up with the OLD soon and just become a crazy cat lady.

@love that's a nuisance, had you arranged a time and place or was it left open? If arranged he may just turn up.

@SueDoeName have you heard from that man after. As above yes it is assault if you don’t want it and you can stay stop or walk away. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and don’t go back. I’d always sit somewhere you can’t see the exit or bathroom so you can. Go or staff would always help you

Gah!!! Lost a long post!!! Sue I agree with the others -

Will have to retype the rest 😕😂

@bangheadhere40 if he wasn’t right the best to move on and good he’s accepting of that

@Lovemusic33 I’m in a similar situation I said yes to meeting a guy tomorrow evening, but it’s been like a job interview, where do I live, how much spare time do I have etc no real sense of getting to know him so I won’t be going.

@SueDoeName I had a similar experience last week, I didn’t know how to walk away, how to let him know I wasn’t ok with the touching. I hear what others have said here and know it’s ok to stay no, I just don’t know how. I talked about it with my therapist last night, and what came up for me was as well as not knowing how to say no I don’t know how to say yes, it’s as though in my head I believe it’s not my choice, it’s up to the man, and I have to go along with it. Definitely not healthy and I’ve work to do on why I feel like that!!

I’ve a date tomorrow night with a new iron mr scenery, I feel ok about it, we’ve chatted a lot but nothing too heavy, no real flirting, he was going to come over to a pub near me but he’s working late, so I gave him the option of me driving to him for a bit of a later meet (8.30) or leaving it till the weekend, he said he’d like to still meet tomorrow if I was ok with that, so I think he’s keen!

We hadn’t arranged an exact time, was just meant to be meeting this morning for a coffee and conforming where nearer to the time. Still not heard anything, maybe he’s waiting for me to contact him but he could have messaged me yesterday and didn’t bother. I think he’s a bit shy so maybe he’s chickened out, I have been messaging him in and off since I started OLD but one of us always disappears off POF and we never got around to meeting. I’m not overly bothered which is why I haven’t chased him, he works long hours and doesn’t get much free time so I’m not sure it would work anyway, this is the first week he’s had off in ages.

I will probably go out for lunch with a friend instead.

I just remembered that he said he went out Sunday for coffee, he’s been a bit quiet ever since, went to bed early Sunday night so ended our chat. Maybe he went for coffee with someone else from POF? I think I will just leave it and not bother contacting him, if he was that keen he would have messaged me right?

@lovemusic tricky isn't it, but yes I think if he was bothered he would have. Unless he is ridiculously shy and is waiting for you. I would be tempted to message him myself but not sure if that is the right thing to do.

I've woken up today feeling really down about everything. It really clouds my judgement when I feel like this. I feel like hiding and calling it off with MrN, rationalizing it that because I know it's not a perfect match, and I'm in a difficult place in life that it's not fair to keep seeing him in case he gets the feels.

I hope I snap out of it.

@Lovemusic33 I had a couple of dates with a lovely man last year. I had been quite forward in messages and he admitted to being too shy to ask me out. He was interesting and fairly attractive but I declined a third date because I preferred Mr R. I would contact him.

@Lovemusic33 I need to see hey are interested and I never, ever push my messages or meeting them until I'm more secure in that. I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who needed to be chivvied along. To me it does sound like he went for coffee with someone else.

lovemusic I’m with notcool I couldn’t be arsed with a man who needs chivvying.with you on considering giving up and getting loads of cats

sue it’s a really fast moving thread. Sometimes they get missed. Sorry I know when your feeling flat it doesn’t help . If you post gets missed just repost it. Re Hansen man, are you assertive in other situations? It’s something I have really had to build on last year so that I could say no to handsy dates. Remember you owe them nothing. Did you have another date with the different iron?

uncorrected sorry you’re feeling down. Don’t make any big decisions. Are you having fun with him?

Yes. I had a great weekend, and at the end was feeling really happy although always with a few niggling doubts. I think I'm just second guessing myself, and as it's so different from my previous relationship I'm still trying to work out if it's ok/right for me.

I think I have hang ups about not being "that kind of girl" when really there's nothing wrong with a relationship based on superficial fun and sex. I get my emotional support and deep personal connection from friends and family and always have.

I probably need to work on why I have such a block on being allowed frivolity and fun in my life!

Notcool I’m the same, I don’t like chasing especially when it’s someone I haven’t even met yet. It’s no great loss and chances are he did go for coffee with someone else. He also went out sat night, ended our chat as he was going to a friends but was then active in POF an hour later, he then told me Sunday morning that he got home and went straight to bed but he was obviously online on POF until late as I saw him on there.

@lovemusic just regarding POF if you don't log out of the app it shows you are online. Even if you are just on your phone, or have used your phone in the last hour.

@Lovemusic33 - if being proactive is important to you in a date/partner then I think you're right not to contact him. There's no point investing your time and effort into something that you already feel won't be right.

I refuse to chase.

Too much old has taught me that if people want to contact me they will and even if it was because they were shy, and I I'd still not be attracted to them.

I totally agree @saltysally
Men swipe right much more frequently than women. If they are interested in me they will initiate and sustain contact.
According to the few men I've discussed this with Men generally have fewer matches and less conversations on the go. So if they can't make that effort with me early on I take it as a sign of their disinterest.