Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

For me @shitwithsugaron the sticking point was him not being open about me. I'm not a dirty secret.

@shitwithsugaron yes good idea to ask him. I wouldn't let my situation put you off with Mr List if he is treating you well and you can see he is being genuine. If he says things are amicable then you have to take him at his word, and if he has had 1 year relationship since then that sounds like things are over.

@Ant330 yes that is what I am doing, it's all in his court now. I might go back on the apps, but not just yet.

@shitwithsugaron Just another perspective but I am not divorced yet either. We agreed to wait the 2 years (which was in December) but as the breakdown of our marriage was no fault of mine, I am waiting for him to instigate divorce proceedings as I don't want the stress or the cost. I think I will be waiting a long time as he never seems to have any money.

Mr Ad divorced quickly after his marriage ended (too quickly I think as they didn't sort out financial arrangements properly) and he knows my situation and is ok with it. I have no more intention of getting back together with my ex than I would if we were divorced and at the moment, I get to stay in the family home with our kids, which i wouldn't be able to do without my ex remaining on the mortgage and I can't afford to buy on my own.

I guess I'm just saying that every situation is different and unless you are planning to get married in the immediate future, being divorced is just a paper exercise really.

I don't intend to ever marry again so I don't see it as an issue.

And 'amicable' can mean different things to different people.

I will never forgive what my ex did to me, to our family, but I have got to a place in the last 2 years where we text fairly regularly (always about the kids), he has a key to the house and we can discuss changing arrangements with the kids if one of us has something on that we can't move. We even spent xmas morning together. I guess some partners on either side would struggle with this but for me, maintaining some level of amicability with my ex has taken a lot and I've done it so that our kids don't suffer and see their family as one with slightly different dynamics, not one with a hostility between their parents.

I'm just going to worry about myself for a bit.

I'm a very caring person and I get drawn in.

I've booked some concerts to go to and I'm going on holiday in April.

@sunshineandflipflops that sounds good. it saves a lot of hassle when its amicable.

I was just going to ask about it. my iron is now very amicable with the mother of his oldest ds (not his last ex) he babysits for her new child, has mentioned us having a night with her and her partner, calls her when hes with me, mainly about ds but general chit chat too. anyone else had this? it doesnt really bother me tbh I think it's nice they get on, just wondered if it was actually a bit weird.

Seems like ages since I posted (probably about 5 threads ago ), mainly as I am just not trying to date at all. A difficult job situation became a no job situation just before Christmas, strangely it seems I now have less time to keep up with the thread

@BatshitCrazyWoman I have no direct experience but have read that wedding bands can be very difficult for male widowers, men typically wear very little jewelry, so the step to taking it off can feel a big step, akin to shaving all your hair off or leaving the house without your shoes.

I have recently seen a couple of jewellers (proper ones not high street shops) offering the service of reforming or recasting of wedding bands into alternate pieces, the intention being to make a keepsake, but without the symbolism of the wedding ring.

I don't know how you would feel about that, but maybe it would be a way to have a discussion about the subject without being too confrontational, since he usually remembers to take it off then he has obviously thought about it to some extent already.

@crazycatlady20 I wouldn't personally be going out for dinner with my ex (unless it was for our kids birthdays) but again, if everyone is happy with the arrangement than I don't see a problem. A friend of mine met her partner when he was separated but not yet divorced and although the wife had an affair, my friend's partner and his ex were very amicable and did a lot of things together still with the kids. My friend found it hard to get used to and felt a bit pushed out to start with but things are great now. They sometimes do things with his kids and his ex (she doesn't have her own kids) and all very friendly now she knows there is no threat.

I know this has come up and everyone has their views, but can we talk about it again. How and when do you go about letting DC know you're dating and arranging meeting the DC?

At the mo, I'm running a completely separate life when I date. But it's getting close to 5 months and I've been wondering how healthy it is too keep on with having two separate existences. EOW with Mr N, rest of the time with DC. We message in the intervening time. He's not mentioned meeting DC but did ask of the know he exists, to which I said no.

My DC are young (all in primary school), stbexH moved out just over 10 months ago, but I think it still feels very fresh to them.

We are both very private people. A few of his friends know about me, but we haven't discussed meeting each other's friends properly yet.

Hi all. Just caught up with the thread. Busy weekend for me (no dates though ), and I tend not to be "on-line" so lots happens here whilst I'm off..

and hugs to all those that had lonely weekends. I am also one that fills them with other "stuff". Sometimes so much so, I don't have an evening free to date!

Fwiw, I have cooked for a date. I cook for the DC when they are over, and I used to cook at home, but my XW was a bit OCD in the kitchen, so if I didn't put things back in exactly the right place.... I always cooked xmas dinner though...

Still chatting with Miss Bulgaria. There have been a couple of "lost in translation" messages, so I told her directly, and in fairly simple English that I'm only currently looking for something casual. Waiting on a response..

This weekend, I'm meeting up with two women I dated early last year (BT, or Before Thread ), and have stayed in touch with as a friend.

Im not divorced and I don’t even think my ex’s filed for divorce yet . I said I’d do it based on him walking out but he said he’s not at fault 🤷🏼‍♀️. I said put me down for anything I don’t care.

@UncorrectedDoormat how serious is it? Do you see it being a long term thing. If it works as it is do you need it to change? Can he be introduced as a friend?

I introduced my first bf after a few months as a friend. We went to a climbing wall. Then he joined us on a few family days out. Then the kids asked him for a sleepover.

This time they were older and I introduced Mr S way too soon. I stupidly had all the 'when you know you know' feelings and didn't see it ending 🤦🏻‍♀️ they were ok but I think it's made my son more wary of meeting my BF as he knows they don't always stick around 😢 which I understand. I met his BC this weekend (as a friend), 7 months in. But we were casual until recently.

@UncorrectedDoormat Hmmm...I think you have to go with what feels right for you and your dc - only you know them and how they'd cope with news that you are in a new relationship.

I have been with Mr Ad for 5 months (today actually!) and I told my dc (12 & 13) about him a month or so before Xmas. The plan was doe them to meet him after xmas if they wanted to but they asked why they couldn't meet him before that. I didn't see what different a couple of weeks was going to make so we met up with him for indoor crazy golf and lunch a week or two before Xmas.

They saw him again briefly on NY day as he arrived just before my ex picked them up and one of my dc asked yesterday when they can meet him again so I think they like him.

To be honest though, the precedent had been set by my ex, who introduced them to the OW after 6 months of us separating and then to his current gf after a week or two. Nothing i can do about that unfortunately but I did what I felt was right.

I'd maybe suggest integrating yourselves into each other's lives a little more before your dc meeting Mr N though, like meeting friends/family.

I'm glad you've said that about does it need to change. I don't think it necessarily does. As for long term... I'd say it's not feeling like it would go that way. I'm completely emotionally unavailable and I think that it's very much a rebound thing for me. That makes me sounds cold, and there's nothing wrong with Mr N. I'm not blown away though, and not getting the smitten feelings. Having said that, I'd be very sad to give up what we're doing now.

@UncorrectedDoormat given what you've said I'd keep things as they are. I'd only introduce them if I had an element of certainty it was a long term thing and would be involving the children.

@UncorrectedDoormat I agree with @Notcoolmum then. It doesn't sound like you are in it for the long haul so I wouldn't bring your kids into it.

Mine have met boyfriends in passing over the last few years and perhaps a dinner out with their kids but nothing more than that generally

I’ve got a chat going with a bloke on Tinder. He’s very very dry SOH style, I like it it is fun but I get the impression it’s because he is guarded and trying to work me out. I am being more open than he is (but not overly so) but if he doesn’t let his guard down I feel like it won’t go anywhere

His profile basically said ‘curves + humour = perfect’ I have curves at least 😂

@uncorrecteddoormat I agree not to introduce unless u plan on remaining friends then I'd maybe introduce as a friends to ur dc.

maybe a bit early but can I ask what those with irons do for valentines? we'd maybe be about 12wks by then and have been seeing each other every week at least once and talk every day. He jumped in to his last relationship tho so has said he wants to take things slowly.

I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day to be honest. I guess i'd be disappointed if I didn't get a card but wouldn't expect or want anything more than that. It's my weekend with the kids so I won't see him anyway!

I think a card is perfectly ok? And if you'd be seeing him anyway then maybe a nice dinner and a bottle of wine? I'd personally avoid going out to eat as most places do 'special' menus and charge the earth!

I'm actually going to go out on Valentine's with Mr N but mostly out of coincidence that it's my weekend off and there was something on that we both wanted to do.