Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Sorry things didn't go well @Marlboroandmalbec34 is your gut telling you to steer clear now?

@bangheadhere40 is his ex whose still about and on the house the Same woman who won’t look after her own kids ?

@jane yes same ex.

Thanks all, a bit to think about. I will just see what happens I think. Not going to push anything.

@shitwithsugaron that’s what I was thinking so wondered if it was 2 diff people.

What I have been told is the ex won't have kids on her own....she sees them for an hour or so a day at his house.

They split last summer apparently but still have all house things tied in.

That just seems odd was She not their main carer before ?

He has said it all needs sorting.....I do tend to believe him more so now I have met him, and seen what he is like.

I agree it sounds dodgy though.

@jane no...he has always done 99 percent of childcare, taken paternity leave etc. Doesn't sound like she did much at all...

Said when she was with him they had a nanny and she wasn't interested in them.

So why doesn't he have a nanny now @bangheadhere40 and why did they have another one if she was so disinterested? Does she work? Why at his house not at hers? Why is she in the electoral roll if not living there? She didn't take maternity leave? She must work then so when does she do the hour at his and this is every day? Does he work? My mind is full of questions. I imagine yours is too.

@shitwithsugaron he has never spoke badly of her or called her names, just the facts really, but yes I see where you are coming from completely.

@Notcoolmum I have questions too, but I haven't liked to ask too much. From what I have asked:

• she has never worked, has never been interested in childcare. He says he took paternity even though she was off

• she still doesn't work and hasn't done for 11 years since she met him

• he works yes, that is all verified on linkedin, and companies house. Kids go to school in the day.

• Good point about why no nanny now....I don't know, that would make sense wouldn't it.

He works from home mainly, so I think this 'hour' is normally after school / tea time, he always goes a little quiet then. He does tend to talk to me all evening though after kids in bed, so I can't imagine he could get away with that if he was with someone.

His 3 year old is in school @bangheadhere40 ? You did say they were 3 and 8? Nkt sure how you'd manage working full time from home with a 3 year old. A nanny would seem sensible. I'd want to know how his wife lives if she doesn't work. Actually did you say they weren't married so he had no need to support her in anyway. It sounds a bit fishy. But even if it checked out it would be incredibly messy. Is she on FB?

Mr S texted me all day every day. I still think there was more to him and his ex than he let on. I'll never know now but it certainly wasn't straightforward or where I'd expect a man to be a year after separating.

@Notcoolmum they are at private school so can go in there from 3 years old all day.

I found her name but she isn't on FB either, or anywhere! I don't think she needs to work, but I don't know her finances.

It is all very messy, it's just so hard knowing isn't it!

@shitwithsugaron it's fine, honestly I appreciate it, thank you.

I think I do need to ask a bit more, but as we have only met once and aren't in a 'relationship' or really even seeing each other, I don't want to be too overbearing!

@bangheadhere40 he's clearly loaded then - nannies and private schools and a partner who has never worked. I'd definitely want to know more about it all before getting any further involved. Taking 3 months to meet up is a huge concern for me. Was it him you met at 10am? I hope this doesn't sound too critical but from your posts on both Mr Ss you seem to get involved very quickly and then think whether it works for you rather than the other way round. I'd move with extreme caution here.

Mine took 9 months to meet me.

Living 100 miles away coupled with anxiety depression and alcoholism

@Notcoolmum yes I met him at 10am.

I agree, I think I need to take a step back here and just see what happens.

Marl I'm so sorry it all ended up like that

bang on 192 it said I was still living in the former matrimonial home even though I hadn't lived there for 3 years amd was on the electoral roll at my actual address. I've now had all my information removed from 192 (abusive ex, don't want him finding me!) - so his ex being on there doesn't mean much. If he hasn't started divorcing all the financial/housing stuff will be up in the air 😕 difficult situation for you.

@batshit that is interesting about 192.

They were never married, but yes still property to sort out and up in the air :-(

@bangheadhere40 all legitimate questions and concerns from pp but it sounds like the logistics make it a complete non-starter for him anyway? So perhaps not worth winding yourself up about it all if it's going no further anyway?
Personally if it was always obvious the logistics would get in the way then I would have avoided meeting in the 1st place, but that ship has now sailed. Perhaps time to move on, get swiping and put it down to experience.
If he suggests ways for it to work then you can start filling in some blanks at that point. Sounds like you're leaving the ball in his court anyway rather than trying to force it which seems sensible.