Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@TigerDater yes, I went out with friends yesterday too and it was so fun, and I'm lucky enough to have lots of friends where I don't second guess myself with.

@Stillsexystillsingle I suspect he will just come back wanting to be close again but I can see he is very obviously emotionally broken because he can't deal with much at all. That literally means no expectations on my part and I need to tattoo that to my forehead!

@Ant30 you're very right there, what it did make me see is that, very similar to my ex, I'm walking on eggshells about what I want/expect. He is totally different to me and just can't offer that. The childish part of me threw back yesterday that he had offered that to an ex he was infatuated with and I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back (she had died) so I suspect he disappeared yesterday to contemplate her and how great she was. I couldn't really win yesterday.

@eesha I missed the beginning of what you were asking for but if it was fair then it is good you stood up for yourself.

Bringing up an ex who had passed away would have stung for him though. If someone did that to me I would have been really hurt. A long time boyfriend did pass away so...

It sounds like this was much more than a FWB? and maybe you both had different expectations as a result.

@saltysally i was annoyed because I literally got a morning, then nothing, and I knew he had done nothing all day. Same in the past, I had a bad day, and he just sent a sad emoji, no follow up at all all day. I guess I wanted to feel like someone wanted to talk to me!

With the ex, it was a much messier thing in that she was messing him around as friends but he was infatuated. My point (stupidly) was he said they would chat all day long and that stuck in my head, that im giving him so much of myself (treating him much better than she ever did) yet can't even get a text. It was a total mess and I could see my dignity floating out of the window. He pulled me up on that one and knowing him, he is probably lying in bed dreaming of her and how great it all was.

This is the stupid nature of FWB, you can't really pick and choose what you want. It's all or nothing I think.

@eesha Was the ex a FWB? It would be natural to talk more to someone you were in a relationship with.

I have never had or wanted much emotional attachment from my FWBs so I wouldn't have expected support. Maybe he was the same?

You sound like you are over invested in him for a FWB. Comparing yourself to an ex and doing a lot for him. That's not typical FWB stuff. Of course if guys had had a discussion about that that's cool but it doesn't sound like you did hence you becoming emotionally invested and him staying detached.

When someone shows you their true colours you should believe them though. He has shown his.

I don't know what you got from him in this FWB. I hope it was a two way street.

@TigerDater I agree there’s lots of things more fun with friends or family than as a date.

@saltysally ex was FWB and best friend but he was infatuated to the point of obsession.

We did talk a lot, see each other regularly, plan dates. It was like a relationship. But in many ways, I was providing the support to him but he just wasn't really that capable back at times. I was the strong person in his eyes. If we do end up in contact again, I'll have that conversation face to face. You're right, true colours though.

Sounds all a bit one-sided @eesha unless he was doing something for you.

I know I won't get into a one-sided relationship again, whether it's a friendship FWB or relationship. I used to give more because I had a poor self-esteem and wanted them to like me. Now I'll walk away if I'm not being treated fairly.

@Eesha my last ltr was like that too that's why I ended it the penny finally dropped for me when a family member got a serious medical diagnosis and he was more interested in whining about his own life than supporting me

BTW remember you can be in just as much control of this FWB thing. If you want to end it, don't wait for him to make the call.

Well I've decided I cant do fwb anymore, I get emotionally involved and its usually me that ends up hurt. I've also learnt actions do speak louder than words. This is the year I'm setting my standards higher and saying what I want, not what they want to hear. Heres hoping I stick to it like .
Well I've rejoined tinder and a little tip I picked up speaking to someone previously. If you set your distance to 1 km then everyone that has swiped right on you will show up, so no need to pay.

Mr Music wants have a phone call this week. I know lots of people have asked or wanted to do that before meeting. I was just feeling smug I had got away with not doing it until now. I think it shows an interest in getting to know someone.

@ShirleyValentine74. That’s how I use tinder with the 1 km set 👍🏻

I will try the tip with Tinder. Does this work on bumble? I literally have nothing at all still. I’m getting demoralised by this now

My date from yesterday moved to this morning. He was really nervous and couldn't stop shaking to pour milk in to the coffee. So different to how he can across in messages. Back to the apps I go

@Menora just tinder I think 🤔

@Menora think it's just tinder. I've swiped left now till I've run out of people so giving bumble a try, though I didn't like this app in the past thought I'd give it another go.

Why didn’t I know this before 😭

Already got a good one going now!

@saltysally tbh he gave me peace really and we were very happy together. I just wanted another level of emotional support/attention and wasn't getting that. As @Jane1978xx said earlier, we were always living in the fun stages of things. I've archived the chats and was meant to meet next weekend but if I don't hear anything, I'd say even the friendship would be gone too and I'd be tempted to block and delete. Is that petty?

Just had a really lovely weekend with Mr N. Trying to keep up with the thread, but so much has happened. To everyone who is being messed around, . Try to remember that you are worth more than someone who can't put you first or accept that you have needs.

I'm still wondering what I'm going dating already while I'm still actually married... I think it might be too much for me to deal with sometimes.

It's interesting what everyone is saying about low standards and how we might over-interpret normal behavior as somehow super nice... I worry about this too. After all, when your comparison is to an abusive ex, it's hard to judge.

I also wonder about sex too. I think I'm comparing sex to the rubbish sex I had with my ex. Should I consider that the grass might be greener elsewhere?

@UncorrectedDoormat i think there are a few separated people on the thread, so married in name only. I think if you have found someone lovely, and both don't mind, just enjoy every second.

@UncorrectedDoormat i agree, my standards might seem low too when comparing to an abusive ex. If someone doesn't shout at me or threaten my family, then I'm all in! I think that was the reason I gravitated towards my FWB, I never felt in danger even though other things were lacking. My bar is very low it seems!

@eesha okay. I see.

It's not petty to block him. Even if you decide you want to keep him in your life as an emotionally stunted friend you aren't going to be able to rely on him. That's a decision only you can make.

Re your fear of people leaving you we get these lessons in the life, and I think they keep coming up. I used to have a chronic fear of rejection until my x best friend dumped me fairly spectacularly once she had had a baby. And I survived, learned from it and have been able to have much healthier friendships since.

@shitwithsugaron yes I'm pleased to advise from the bit I've read about Mr List he has the salty seal of approval.. 😉
Just remember to stay in the relationship for you though and not because he's doing what you've every right to have in the relationship. He has sounded interested in you from the very beginning though and I really hope it goes well for you. There's a mini pattern on here of a few people who have ended or have had relationships end with guys who didn't deserve them and then they have found someone amazo

Amazing. I hope you are next!