Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Jane1978xx thanks for this, and can I get it back again ever? My FWB situation imploded catastrophically so think I need it off my phone

So I bit the bullet and asked FWB whether we were still ok. His response was that I had upset him by being annoyed with him, that he was feeling low and was going to lay low for a while to sort his head out. I then pretty much begged him to reconsider (as I think I have real issues with loss) but nothing. I genuinely think I should have kept my mouth shut in the first place and just accepted things because the loss now really hurts me. I don't think I'm cut out for this type of relationship or any really. It took me a long time to feel close to someone and now it's all gone again/probably wasn't anything in the first place.

I think he's too mature for me.

Honest to god wtf does that say about me. I'm 31. A 22 yr old seems too grown up 😂

I need to remember I'm actually meant to be a functioning adult.

@Eesha it’s right at top of the page to get back the archieve

I have a date with Mr Music on Friday. He's a recovering alcoholic but it doesn't bother me. Has been sober for 5 years.

I'm sorry @eesha. Is it too soon to suggest the season, reason or forever poem?

@saltysally i used to love that poem but at this point, I just can't fathom letting anyone into my life. It's just too heartbreaking when things fall apart. I need more solid things in my life ie friendships. Relationships just don't work for me.

@saltysally Mr Ad is one year sober. I took a bit of a gamble but I'm glad I did.

@Eesha i I feel like that. I can't imagine someone loving me, or having sex, or any of it. I didn't come across anyone I could even really be bothered to message on the apps. I can't deal with the pain of it all disappearing when it inevitably goes wrong. What's the point of wasting all those evenings swiping/messaging/dating. Nothing came of it. Mostly I ended up deeply uncomfortable at having to reject someone again.

@eesha it's too raw and that's understandable. It sounds like there was a lot of emotion in this FWB. I'm sorry.

@Sunshineandflipflops I must admit I thought of you and the discussions on here when he told me. Will see how things go.

@unambiguousbeard im sorry you feel the same, it's rubbish isn't it? I was really happy at one point and then the rug got pulled away from under me. Now back to square one having to put a brave face on. But I do feel like I'm done with dating now. I can't fathom doing this again.

Car park snog...

But I feel like I did the wrong thing. And it's not that I didn't like him- he was really nice. But that's it. He's too nice perhaps- seemed too keen. I'm weird about this stuff. Or is it that I just wasn't feeling it 100%?

@Eesha so sorry you're having a rough evening. The FWB thing is bloody hard. I feel like I'm no good at dating/relationships too. I feel all over the place with it.... Welsh guy was the one that taught me I could have a spark with someone again which is what has stopped me from falling apart this past month but I'm missing him tonight.

He's adding loads to his snap story tonight and I'm not looking at it but I can see it's there. I could block him so I don't see it but I don't want to do that. We ended so nicely that it would feel horrible to block him- I don't want him thinking that I was angry or upset with him either- the only reason I don't want to see it is cos I miss him.

Aargh why is this so hard.

Checking in very late for not very exciting reasons sadly!

So this moved quick! So many updates and dates! Good luck everyone with dates planned.

MrBig sounds like a twonk marlborough

Eesha it sounds like you did the right thing with your FWB!

On my account Mr Woods cancelled our first meet up (afternoon) on that morning, excused himself with nerves and has cooled his messaging quite a lot

I sent a message to say I understood and that basically I was up for trying again but I wouldn't hang about to be messed with or for someone to play hot and cold with. I tried to be polite about it and he said he understood and that it didn't sound like I was laying down the law just stating my intentions clearly.

I'm giving him a bit more messaging time, although I am waiting for him to message me first now since we spoke last to see if he is still interested. Then he gets one more chance of a meet up, if he bails again he's a pass from me - I don't want a project or as happened with my marriage an abuser masquerading as a minor project.

Mr Bird has been chatting but not regularly - which is fine for me tbh I like his banter but am not as attracted to him as i am Mr Woods and that is helping me feel a bit more easy going about him in general.

Really fancy Mr Woods so hope he pulls it together soon! He is busy next week so might get a chance of a weekend date - fingers crossed!

Eesha Also do you have an iPhone or an Android? Archiving a WA chat is different on both. Definitely archive it so you aren't faced with it all the time.

Hi all. I am a long time lurker (several threads worth!) and I have posted before way back. My situation: ended my marriage about 10 months ago, amicable and it died a long time before that. Sharing care of the dc half and half.

I've dipped my toe in online dating on and off but just can't get on with it as it feels so superficial and false. I have had a string of disastrous encounters with guys I meet in real life, the latest being a guy I met in a pub and I just keep having my fear of rejection triggered. We've had three dates and done lots of coupley things like shopping (!) and cooking, as well as fantastic sex. But he rarely contacts me in between and shows little interest in me or my life. And I need more than that. I don't feel much different to when I was in my 20s and went from one disaster to the next!

I'm not sure why I'm posting to be honest, as I and all my friends feel that a break from men would be best for my mental health. But the fear of being alone for the rest of my life is overwhelming

@BatshitCrazyWoman Android, and worked out how to do it. Definitely helps as out of sight, out of mind. I feel a bit stupid for having begged him to reconsider but I think that was the initial hurt/loss of someone rather than him but I'll get over it for sure.

@Misty9 I'm pretty sure I remember you, welcome back. I'm similar in that I met someone but little interest in between and I wanted more. I think if your friends are saying step back, do it. I'm planning to do the same as my situation imploded! But I would say, there are lots of success stories here where partners are genuinely interested/more emotionally available so don't lose hope in that respect.

Oh @Eesha I just want to give you a hug I'm sorry it went wrong. I have been hurt and taken advantage of too so many times. I got to my forties and decided I just couldn't do it to myself again. The answer is either to be done with men - unrealistic as they're hard to avoid - and I'm guessing you're probably younger than me too - or, to only let men who love you into your life, head and bed - I've recommended g l Lambert to you before , go read his stuff, I promise you it's a real eye opener!

@Stillsexystillsingle thanks for that, I will look that stuff up. Definitely things are better today, must be the crisp, sunny weather. I know he will be back at some point though because I make his life happier than when he is alone. Another reason for stopping dating, it makes me second guess my value.

Hi all have been a long time lurker on here i really love reading your stories . Im 46 and have been divorced 3 years. After a year I got online and after the initial terror went out and sown a few oats. I met someone last year who I was seeing for 5 months then he ghosted me after having a meltdown. We got talking again before xmas and ended up agreeing to be fwb. Anyway surprise surprise he has just done it again. Why do i not learn. Anyway thought I'd get back on pof and realised its slim pickings out there. The ones my age dont know how to talk to a woman. It's all about sex. The younger ones I chat to seem to be more considerate. Been back on a day and already want to delete haha

eesha gosh I’m so sorry it all imploded on you like that, I know the arrangement made you happy for a long time but it had swung the other way towards making you unhappy so I really do admire your decisiveness and boundaries in calling it. As for giving up on dating: you mentioned friendships as being more important. I think that’s bang on. For instance, on Friday I went shopping as a coupley thing with Mr Greedy. Man it was boring! Yesterday I went with my DD24 and had a ball, same as when I go with my friends. It made me think again about what I really want to find and who I want to spend time with.

Re archiving, have you considered exporting your chat to Notes or something as a record, then deleting FWB chat and number on you’re not tempted to get in touch?

Anyway, a hug and 💐 from your guru 😊

And when he comes back you need new rules (like in the song!) If he wants you to make him happy he needs to make you happy too! You need to be clear and firm that you're not going to budge on this, you being happy too is not negotiable, and then see what he does - good luck !

Shirley
Feel the same! Not even a week and feel a bit sick! Couple of interesting people who I'm giving a chance to see how they progress.

This thread is really useful and a great distraction from the actual dating scene!

@Eesha thanks. I resonated with your situation and I think it's that which prompted me to post finally! I go a bit crazy for the first 24hrs after meeting someone new and almost push them to see if they'll reject me. My friends are right, I know that. It just keeps happening though... it doesn't help that the first man who showed interest after my ex was a married guy and I fell for him

I really need to learn to be okay alone. It's just crushingly hard sometimes. I dropped the dc at their dad's this morning and it was physically painful to see their other life but no random bloke is going to heal that wound. And I clearly can't do sex without emotion...

@daisymat yes agree I'm enjoying talking to everyone on this thread far more than I'm enjoying talking to the men on match!

@Eesha I know you were regretting forcing the situation yesterday but I think you've done absolutely the right thing for you. If you're not getting what you need from a relationship, whatever it's labelled as, then it's not working for you and if he cant provide it then you're better looking elsewhere.
Tough decision for you I know but the right one imo.