Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Sunshine he wears it to work, takes it off when he's with me. I don't know if this is a work related thing. He probably wears it home because of the step DC.

After Photogate I feel it's too soon to raise another issue. And I have no doubts about how he feels about me. I lost a friend (she was in her 40s) and I still have email and texts from her - I know it's hard to move on in that way.

Eesha he said it was because of the step DC as they live there. I said I felt very uncomfortable and I don't want to go back. The ball is in his court now .... in a couple of months I'll make a judgement about whether I feel I can carry on.

We aren't home yet.

Also,not sure if relevant as wasn't sure at first but we had chat today. His ex who he was with for 11 years was very abusive, and really hurt him physically and mentally. He is less confident than I expected, but lovely.

I will have to wait and see what happens, need to tread carefully with him though, he is lovely, will update if I get a message.

@bangheadhere40 yes just the update I was hoping to hear, so glad you had a good time.

I also don’t think pansexual means will sleep with anyone, but on tinder it probably does!!

That’s what I am thinking it’s on Tinder! If I met someone IRL I probably wouldn’t think the same thing!

@BatshitCrazyWoman he clearly dotes on you, I think often it takes another person to make one realise that to move on, you need to give up certain things from the past.

@TigerDater well he came back and asked me straight out what I wanted so make or break really now! I explained about not feeling like a priority at all. It just feels like i shouldnt have to emphasise the issue, he should just know. And if he prefers tv and sleep to contacting me, then I'm clearly not important at all.

@Eesha - Go you!

Well said eesha, What do you hope he’ll come back with? Do you think maybe you are ready to move on?

Menora I’m in the same situation, I live in a village too and have been OLD for so long that I have run out of reasonably looking men to date, anyone within a 5 mile radius are people I know (went to school with), 10 miles radius are mainly people I have already been in a date with or don’t want to date, 20 miles is getting to be too far. I used to have loads of chats on the go and loads of irons but now I have hardly any, I kind of feel like I’m running out of options with OLD.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 noooooo!!! God what is it with these exes? I was in bed with Mr B when Mr S first texted and asked if we could meet for a drink and chat... of course I trotted along. Gave him what for. Felt amazing. Then he vanished and I felt Sad and insecure and unwanted. He hen did a lot of emotional manipulation using an illness so I forgave him far more than I should. Ended it with Mr B. To realise he hadn't changed. He wasn't offering anymore than before. And even then I was considering waiting things out and seeing how it felt. But no. He got in first and dumped me. Again.

Don't be me! See where things go with Mr Fact. Give him a genuine chance. Mr Big had a year to come good.

@TigerDater it's unchartered territory for me, and part of me thinks I shouldn't expect much more from him than any friend really. This has suited me well because of my limited free time. I want him to say I'm more than just a FB but I expect he will just float along and not say much, and assume I should know it rather than him having to show it.

It sounds to me like you’re friends, not just FBs, but you’re very different people eesha. He may not be able to give you any more than this. That doesn’t make you wrong to want more, but it may be that the relationship is wrong and is holding you back

@BatshitCrazyWoman the wedding ring would really bother me. I know it's different as she's died and he didn't want it to end. But if he's ready to move on there are changes he has to be able to make. Keeping the house as a shrine and wearing his wedding ring isn't helpful for anyone. When someone has died I think there comes a time when you choose what to keep and what to let go. It doesn't mean you stop caring for them or loving them but that you are moving on with your life.

I don't know what his financial situation is but could he move out of the marital home? The DC also need to move on in some ways too. I wonder if it's worse as they are his SC so he feels less certain of his role with them. Is their dad around?

You are very kind and patient.

@TigerDater you should be my guru as that rings so true. He can't give me enough of what I want yet I'm not getting anywhere near as much as I want from anywhere else. Must put my gladrags on and try and meet someone more suitable.

He has no financial issues at all. Loves his (gorgeous) house though. He promised his late wife he would look out for SDC and they both still live there (they're in their early and mid-20s), so is unlikely to move. He's sensitive to their feelings.

I don't want to tell him he has to remove all the photos and never wear his wedding ring. I want him to realise that he needs to make changes. Will be discussing this in counselling next week for sure!

Oh and he doesn't wear his wedding ring with me routinely - he forgot to take it off when I met him from work once - I noticed, then a little while later I noticed he'd taken it off. And the same thing a couple of times when he's met me after being at home.

@Eesha - do you know what it is that you do want?

@BatshitCrazyWoman - Sorry, I can't remember, how long has it been since she passed?

It's lovely that he promised that, and is sensitive towards their feelings, but they are adults now.

Looking out for isn't the same as mollycoddling. Obvs, if they live in the SE of England, they probably couldn't afford to buy their own place, but there is always renting...

The whole fwb, fb, casual etc etc messes with my head 😂. I have no clue what I’m doing. I’ve been seeing someone a few months now and I’ve got no idea what going on really. I just enjoy the time we have when we meet up like it’s in a bubble 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeh totally agree @BatshitCrazyWoman it's not for you to tell him anything other than how some things make you feel. Was the house left entirely to him or are there stipulations about the adult children. They will have to move out sometime and I agree there is a difference between being sensitive to and being frightened to upset them in anyway. Such a difficult situation. You are handling it very well.

notcool I know I know. Bloody bread crumbing. So hard when you are a bit smitten! I promise I’m gonna go see Mr Fact and not even think about Mr Big!

shitwith thanks. I bloody need one 😂

batshit must be really hard for you. You seem to handle it all admirably!

eesha would you like a relationship with him?

@Marlboroandmalbec34 not in the standard sense of the word, as in we aren't suited long term/meeting friends etc. But I want to feel more important and considered than I am now. Writing it out like this makes me feel like I'm barking up the wrong tree!

@jane1978xx has ur iron said he just wants FWB? are u exclusive?

bangshead wooohoo. Is Mr Smile a gonner then?