Dating thread 181 - into 2020 with finesse and strong boundaries!

[Menora]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I think stick to facts literally. Wasn't this the same man who drove miles to see another ex FWB despite you not being happy about it? He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants yet.

eesha there’s no such thing as too demanding if what you need is what you need - you’re just being you and stating your needs. What has he said in reply?

@TigerDater thanks for replying, he was surprised initially that I pulled him up on it, then after I explained, he said he understood. I don't really want to go on and on about it at him, I just think a good morning alone with no chat isn't enough. Especially when I remember he talked about an ex he was infatuated with and said they would speak all day long. It's like I'm just part of the furniture now, and I don't like that.

Well messaging does tend to tail off as you settle in to a relationship eesha, but as this is casual/FWB I think it’s reasonable to demand exactly what meets your needs, or else you move on. But what do I know???

Eesha agree that your needs are your needs, however.. I'm no expert on this but I imagined that's what a FWB was like. In my mind I suppose I thought that the extra messaging/'thinking of you' sentiment is more relationship territory? Again, absolutely no expert but could it be that your fwb is thinking similarly to me?
Marlbs I too think Mr Big is panicking that you've now met someone you do like and is trying to reel you back in. I think pp has raised good points re his LT intentions/monogamy. It's not enough really to say "oh actually I do want you after all" - actions speak louder and presumably he knows how you feel about gestures? If it were me, tempted though I would be, I'd stick with Mr fact and see how it works out with him.
Just stalking for an update from bang...

You are all 100% right. He doesn’t know what he wants and I would always feel insecure with him knowing his history and he has hurt me before. I’m off on my date with Mr Fact. He is great! (Well he might be a womanising, emotionally unavailable twat too but I don’t know that in advance)

@keepcalmcarryohfuckit and @eesha I thought the same that increased messaging and thinking of someone would be more relationship than FWB

eesha sounds more like a relationship than FWB. Do you want a relationship with him?

@TigerDater @Marlboroandmalbec34 @crazycatlady20 @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt @shitwithsugaron thanks for that, we are exclusive FWB but pretty much in a relationship of sorts in many respects. I haven't really been swiping as a result but these things annoy me and remind me I'm lower priority than I'd expect.

You need to talk to him Eesha!

A man I swiped on (tall dark and Italian looking) has messaged me. In his profile he says he is pansexual. Is this just not bisexual but in a different word? I don’t know whether to respond

It sounds like you need a full and frank conversation then eesha about where you are and where you’re going. Your feelings about being deprioritised won’t go away of there own accord, but you both need to be on the same page if it is to be a healthy and life-enhancing relationship going forward.

menora I’ve always construed pansexual as ‘will fuck anything’. Not attractive to me but each to their own. Is this on Tinder? It amazes me what people put on there sometimes!

@menorah I thought that meant they would sleep with anyone no matter what their sexual gender or genitalia. male, female, transgender, those waiting on gender ops, or those who dont want to go as far as gender ops etc. I could be wrong tho. I think I saw it on 1st dates lol

Well no thanks maybe although I feel really un woke in rejecting him 😂

Is this what my life has come to, the only man to talk to me ‘will fuck anyone’ 😭😂

Marl if Mr Big really wanted to be with you, he would literally be crawling over broken glass and making a big gesture. Not just saying he has feelings for you 😕

I know you really like him but he has had his chance, and he blew it.

Concentrate on Mr Fact

Glad it went well shitwith

Am reading and following the thread, but don't have much to report! We've not mentioned Photogate again (he knows that is the reason I don't want to stay at the house) he still wears his wedding ring to work and at home. I think I mentally took a step back after Photogate - the ball is in his court ...

Hello....just left meeting him...sorry to keep everyone waiting 😅

Wow!

Completely different to what I had imagined,much quieter, softly spoken and shy. A lovely person, nicer than I imagined.

Really really nice though and we were hugging and holding hands straight away and had lots of car park snogs, in the car in broad daylight.

I think I've mentioned he is a full time dad that lives 2 hours away though so I have no idea how this could work, or when we could see each other realistically.☹

I'm a little anxious what he thought of me, I hope he messages me once I'm home. I know he has said the distance is too far before..so he may decide to not go there.

I'm glad I have met him, he was better than his pics in person...and I really fancied him hugely..

Felt really natural just holding hands etc.

I've no idea what will happen here. I'm half expecting a message saying it was nice but too far when he gets home.

@bangheadhere40 yeah! And Althou he was different it’s good it was better different. Probably a lot to think about for both of you xx

@TigerDater we have circled round things and I completely know he isnt a suitable long term partner for these reasons and a few more. I guess I just want more from someone and easy just to take out my frustrations on FWB. I know he really cares for me and is completely exclusive/we have great fun but just lazy in many ways and very emotionally unaware.

@Eesha - this all sounds very familiar. I'm sure I was PM'ing someone in the same situation several months ago...

However, is he really a friend WB, or just a FB? I think the two are very different.

I'd say a FWB is exactly that. A friend - someone that you go out with as much as you, er, "stay in" with , someone that might have the sort of daily messages you are talking about.

I'd say a FB is someone you meet to have sex with.

It sounds like he's a FB, not FWB - or maybe that's how he sees you?

bang has he contacted you? It sounds like it went well - did he say anything when you parted?

@Menora YEs, Pansexual is basically being attracted to the person, regardless of sexual orientation/gender identity. Doesn't mean that person is any more likely to be promiscuous/shag around though as someone who is straight/gay.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I'll just repeat what i said the other day - don't throw something potentially great away with someone who wants you for someone who is probably never going to give you what you want. I know it's hard but it's easy to say you have feelings for someone when you see them moving on with someone else.

@BatshitCrazyWoman I didn't realise he still wears his wedding ring too. I think that would bother me to be honest.

@AverageGuy thats a really good point there, I'm going to raise that one with him. We are more than that but if he is making me feel that way, then it's over really.

@BatshitCrazyWoman i think the wedding ring would bother me too, plus the abundance of pictures including the bedroom. How on earth would he expect any new partner to be ok with that?