My almost husband & his unhealthy relationship with sex

[An0nym0us2011]

Me & my partner (due to get married in almost a month) have been together since we where 13, we've had our upside downs, but were generally really happy & have great communication and trust.
However, we've always had a really great sex life, probably 5/6 times a week. We both have some kinks were Into.
However the past ,2 or so years his have been abit more intense e.i him sleeping with men (I knew about and gave him the green light because I wanted him to explore) , wanting me to sleep with other men (which I didn't do) but he really wanted me to, wanting to go to swinging clubs etc. We've discussed him sleeping with other women but with only me there & involved. He was fine with that and agreed. He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.

He works away 4 nights a week quite far away. He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days. But said it wasnt my fault but he just wasn't mentally okay lately ( he occasionally goes through bouts of bad depression). So we made up, he came home from work all was fine.
He was asleeo and left his phone downstairs so I thought I'd have a look through it, to find messages to a bunch of girls on a dating app, sexting and inviting to his hotel. I saw red because were always so open and agreed with each other and communicated everything.

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence and it was just the thrill of talking to other girls, I kinda believe him but I'm heart broken.

I don't want to leave him but could he have some kind of addiction? I just needed to tell someone as it's not really something I can talk to people about

So how do you really feel about him shagging other people? Genuinely ok with it, happy for him, or is there a bit of you that is hurt, disappointed, jealous, insecure?

I think you've lost yourself. You've spent years doing what he wants, when he wants, and now you don't know your own mind. FGS why did you apologise to him for doing what he asked you to do? Why did you do it in the first place given that you are not keen?

What the fuck have I just read.
OP, one day you will realise what everyone here is saying, and you’ll wonder why you wasted years with this pathetic excuse .
I hope your kids aren’t too damaged by then though

Another one of those threads where there's little point in trying to intervene, imo.

I’m just waiting for the OP to discover she’s pregnant and stir herself up a nice little drama about that.

Where does it end?
Ask yourself where the next thrill comes from. I had an ex who was like this. Obsessed with sex and kinky stuff. After we split up he got with someone on his level and ended up in prison on child / animal porn charges. These people have no control and are always looking for the next level of urges. I would get out whilst you can before you're doing other stuff you don't want to do.

If this is true then it's fucked up. Two kids at 21 with a porn/sex/cheater and now your wondering if you should get married. Are you for real ffs? Where's your self esteem?

All those saying he is sleeping with other people or other women are missing the fact he doesn’t actually sleep with other women (he only talks to them)

From what the op has written he only sleeps with other men.

It sounds like he's persuading you and you are going along with his encouraged suggestions for him. It does not sound equal or balanced at all.
I am most concerned about him persuading you to sleep with another man whilst he was away and then becoming angry and sulky when you began to go along with his suggestion. This is manipulative and coercive.

LTB

Has OP said she has children? I can't see that post?

Definitely leave him, he is coercive

She has children she’s posted on other threads
I don’t understand how her children aren’t home when this happens as she said she has no one to look after them overnight

You have children?! 😯😯😯

No! Stop! You can't marry him. This is toxic.

He's pushing you to do things you don't want to do just so he can feel better about being "exploring" with other men/men.
From what you say, you clearly pleasing him. Where are your feelings regarding him sleeping about? Whys there a difference made with regard to the sex of the person?

You both seem to have blurred lines of what's accept; this mainly aimed at you!
His depression I believe his his guilt that he has not been taken your relationship as serious as you have!

I'm sorry, please find you worth an either sort out what YOU WANT and stick to it or leave but don't marry. There is no boundaries, respect or dignity in this relationship.

Why are you with him op?

You have children?! 😯😯😯

Wow- if this is true then I think thats kind of risky. Inviting random men round to have sex with you with your kids at home?
Sorry but this sounds all kinds of fcked up

He's pushing you to do things you don't want to do just so he can feel better about being "exploring" with other men/men

Are you sure he is interested in you or the other men?

This isn’t real.
And if it is, I pity your poor kids.

@Oliversmum Note to self. Re-read before posting.

I meant. He is pushing her into sleeping with men just to make himself feel better because he is sleeping with other men and women.

Jesus.

I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days.

Other than putting pressure on you to sexual things you didn't want to do or weren't keen on for his own kicks, (this has nothing to do with your wellbeing or happiness), he sounds like he was either testing you (cruel in this scenario) or he didn't know what the hell he wanted and then punished you for it?????? And you apologised to him???????? I agree with @FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18. He might have done it to make himself feel better about sleeping around. If you were my friend I would be mighty angry at him for that. You ate right to question all of this. He sounds sex obsessed in a dark way.

How old are you? Is there anything other than sex or dependency in this relationship?

bluebella4

Where does it say he is sleeping with other women?

He is chatting to other women but as far as I can read op has only said he sleeps with other men.

I just thought he might have been more jealous of the guy sleeping with his wife than he is of his wife sleeping with another man.
Iyswim

All i know is this relationship is totally f**ked and the children must pick up on things if their dad only has one topic of conversation.

It isn’t going to end well

The OP has stated in previous threads that she’s very isolated, she has no friends and toxic in laws, so where are the DC staying while she arranges to sleep with other men at her DP’s say so?

It’s so fucked up it’s unreal. But it’s not what she wants to hear.

I think it sound like both sides of the family have a lot of issues and it’s likely that OP and her DP do not really know what normal looks like or should look like which is why it appears so shocking

Fundamentally, from a safeguarding point of view and safe parenting you should not do things that put you at great risk, either to yourself or your DC. It is called engaging in risky behaviour. For instance TTC with a man who may be having unprotected sex with multiple partners is ‘risky behaviour’. Inviting people into your home to have sex with them is ‘risky behaviour’

The worry is that he is putting you at risk and that you are vulnerable

Wow, what did i just read?

And you're due to get married in almost a month?

This is really fucked up.

Sounds like this you try and experience a slightly more normal relationship, as this is your first!

Massive red flag forest. You might be into some of this now but I can tell you categorically you will get sick of it.
When you have kids, when you have the menopause, if you are ill.
It grinds you down until there is nothing left of you, my ex was like this and in the end he had to go.

So many red flags I'm surprised you can see daylight.

I think if you have been with this guy since you were 13 then you have no idea what a normal relationship looks like.

Added to that you have children and this guy is all you have known for your teenage and adult life

You might not feel capable of leaving immediately but I hope you take on board what posters have written and watch with fresh eyes what is happening around you and at some point find it in yourself for your sake as well as your children to leave.