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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My almost husband & his unhealthy relationship with sex

182 replies

An0nym0us2011 · 15/01/2020 16:06

Me & my partner (due to get married in almost a month) have been together since we where 13, we've had our upside downs, but were generally really happy & have great communication and trust.
However, we've always had a really great sex life, probably 5/6 times a week. We both have some kinks were Into.
However the past ,2 or so years his have been abit more intense e.i him sleeping with men (I knew about and gave him the green light because I wanted him to explore) , wanting me to sleep with other men (which I didn't do) but he really wanted me to, wanting to go to swinging clubs etc. We've discussed him sleeping with other women but with only me there & involved. He was fine with that and agreed. He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.

He works away 4 nights a week quite far away. He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days. But said it wasnt my fault but he just wasn't mentally okay lately ( he occasionally goes through bouts of bad depression). So we made up, he came home from work all was fine.
He was asleeo and left his phone downstairs so I thought I'd have a look through it, to find messages to a bunch of girls on a dating app, sexting and inviting to his hotel. I saw red because were always so open and agreed with each other and communicated everything.

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence and it was just the thrill of talking to other girls, I kinda believe him but I'm heart broken.

I don't want to leave him but could he have some kind of addiction? I just needed to tell someone as it's not really something I can talk to people about

OP posts:
Drabarni · 15/01/2020 16:40

I think it depends on what you want. if you enjoy letting him explore and you having extra marital sex then you need to find some rules you are both happy with.

If it isn't your thing and you are doing things to please him, that really aren't you, then you should leave him.
You know what he's like, he won't change as you have accepted it already.

silenceofthemams · 15/01/2020 16:41

All I hear from your message is a list of demands from him, things that make him feel good, and things that he wants to do, and things that turn him on.

Where are you in this relationship, OP?

surlycurly · 15/01/2020 16:41

No, this is NOT a good situation. You need to call off the wedding. And I don't say this lightly. I know controlling, kinky men. They don't get rid of that control if the kink stops, they just move it around. You're condemning yourself to a very unhappy future if you keep this up.

12345kbm · 15/01/2020 16:43

OP, there is nothing you can do here and this man is pushing you and pushing you into doing things he wants you to do.

He sounds like he has a sex addiction and is very mentally unwell.

His behaviour is sexually abusive, coercive and controlling. You need to start making plans to leave. Get yourself to a GUM and get tested as god knows how long he's been sleeping around. Untreated STDs can lead to infertility, cervical cancer and other complications so make this a priority.

If you need to talk to someone about this, to clarify that it's sexually abusive then please contact Rape Crisis, they have a chat facility where you can talk anonymously and understand the situation you're in.

You cannot help him OP, he needs to seek help for himself. I think that you've been in this situation so long, that you cannot see how sick it is. Please get some support and get out of there.

brassbrass · 15/01/2020 16:44

This is all you've known since you were 13? You equate this to a respectful loving relationship with good communication?!?!

It's none of those things. You've been brainwashed into it. Do you even know what you like/want? Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? Trust me you have no idea right now.

Don't marry this guy. Your life sounds crap and will be infinitely worse once you're married.

eddielizzard · 15/01/2020 16:44

It's not suddenly going to get better and 'back to the way it was'. This is it. Is this what you want? Think very carefully before you take those vows, because changing your mind later will be a lot harder than cancelling the venue and photographer.

Interestedwoman · 15/01/2020 16:44

I've been in relationships like this and it is so wearing. IMO if you're not happy with any of the talk etc (including the arguing with you for doing something he wanted you to do) you need to put your foot down more and say you're not happy with the talk/wheedling or whatever actions etc you don't like. It's a pain in the arse so I don't think you have anything to lose by being assertive.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/01/2020 16:45

Jeez no way!
I really do hope you both have regular STI checks!
And you can imagine him as a father figure to your children!?
If not, then don't marry him.
You cannot fix this.
You are young.
Please get out there and find what YOU actually want.
I do believe you are doing all of this to please this man.
You do NOT need a man, you know.
From 13 to now!! I would suggest you have outgrown him.
He needs professional help.
You cannot fix him. Stop trying.
Stop doing things to please him!
Be on your own for a while and figure out who YOU are.
You can't possibly know if you have been tied to another person since the age of 13!

MrsWooster · 15/01/2020 16:48

He’s pornsick. LTB, and that’s not something I would ever say lightly.

WhatsTheLatest · 15/01/2020 16:50

What a messed up relationship you have. Why are you bothering to marry?

diddl · 15/01/2020 16:51

What the hell has he done to you?

"Please sleep with another guy to make me happy"

And you look into it even though you are unsure?

That's not at all normal.

User12879923378 · 15/01/2020 16:53

I don't mind what people do together (with or without other people) but this

"He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days"

is all so wrong in so many ways that I don't even know where to start. You didn't want to do it, he pushed you to do it, he threw a wobbler when you did it, you actually apologised for doing something you did reluctantly because he asked you to and then he threw a wobbler? Run!

User12879923378 · 15/01/2020 16:53

And OP - do not sleep with people you don't want to sleep with, ever, for any reason.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/01/2020 16:56

Time to lose this selfish, demanding sex pest. He sounds revolting.

letmebefrank · 15/01/2020 16:58

WTF?!?

Kick him out immediately, go no contact, and get yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

You'd be absolutely mad to stay with him. He's lied to you, cheated on you, and abused you (silent treatment) for following his own demands. Get rid of him!

And get some counselling to figure out why you are letting yourself be treated so appallingly.

mencken · 15/01/2020 16:58

answer came there none...

I also wonder how old the OP is now. No healthy adult relationship starts at 13.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/01/2020 16:58

He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's a bit unhealthy.

“A bit unhealthy” is an understatement! This alone is grim. Do not stay with this man.

ToastandCheese · 15/01/2020 16:58

OP, this is so messed up I don’t even know where to start.

WTF are you doing marrying him?

LIZS · 15/01/2020 16:58

You do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with or willing. If he works away he may well do more than you know. Do not marry him. Get a sexual health check up. Are you young and/or vulnerable perhaps, that you feel this is a normal way of life and obliged to please him.

Bakedbrie · 15/01/2020 17:01

An open relationship like this will only ever work if both sides are absolutely happy to operate on the same terms...sounds like he isn’t and just wants to have cake and eat it. Bundle that all in with a legal marriage...what a bloody mess.....if you’ve got your head screwed on you will walk away from this and him!

Drum2018 · 15/01/2020 17:02

If this is true then do not marry him. End it now and find someone who can have a normal healthy relationship, not someone who manipulates you.

Deadringer · 15/01/2020 17:04

He actually sounds pretty disgusting. Ltb.

Lovemusic33 · 15/01/2020 17:04

Some people are being a bit judgemental.

OP gave him the go ahead to sleep with men, she wanted him to explore.

OP, it seems like you don’t want the same thing as your dp and if you don’t then it’s not going to work out. It works for some people, there are relationships that work with this kind of set up but both people need to be in agreement and it doesn’t sound like you are.

I think he needs some help with his mental health and maybe you need some counselling as a couple but if he’s not likely to change his ways and commit to just you I think you are better off out of this.

ToastandCheese · 15/01/2020 17:04

So what happens when you’ve had a baby and don’t want sex? Happy for him to look elsewhere? Happy to have sex with him even though you don’t really want to because he’s nagging you? Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/01/2020 17:04

This is such an unhealthy relationship, and I cannot see anything to like about your almost-dh, let alone love. A previous poster used the term pornsick and that sounds pretty much spot on.

At the very least you need to get yourself tested for STIs - and if I were you, there is no way I would consider continuing a relationship with a man like this, let alone marrying him.

You deserve SO much better.

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