My almost husband & his unhealthy relationship with sex

[An0nym0us2011]

Me & my partner (due to get married in almost a month) have been together since we where 13, we've had our upside downs, but were generally really happy & have great communication and trust.
However, we've always had a really great sex life, probably 5/6 times a week. We both have some kinks were Into.
However the past ,2 or so years his have been abit more intense e.i him sleeping with men (I knew about and gave him the green light because I wanted him to explore) , wanting me to sleep with other men (which I didn't do) but he really wanted me to, wanting to go to swinging clubs etc. We've discussed him sleeping with other women but with only me there & involved. He was fine with that and agreed. He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.

He works away 4 nights a week quite far away. He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days. But said it wasnt my fault but he just wasn't mentally okay lately ( he occasionally goes through bouts of bad depression). So we made up, he came home from work all was fine.
He was asleeo and left his phone downstairs so I thought I'd have a look through it, to find messages to a bunch of girls on a dating app, sexting and inviting to his hotel. I saw red because were always so open and agreed with each other and communicated everything.

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence and it was just the thrill of talking to other girls, I kinda believe him but I'm heart broken.

I don't want to leave him but could he have some kind of addiction? I just needed to tell someone as it's not really something I can talk to people about

As your too young for smear tests have you had an sti check?.

I can see that you’d probably like to be all married and settled young but with a man like this you’ll also be divorced young too and divorces are expensive.

Also you change a lot in your 30’s, you might want to be going to the garden centre or baking or having kids not arranging meet ups on Instagram. All of us who are now into low heels, kitchen appliances & early nights started off in high heels, bum skimming skirts who drank from lunchtime onwards with no hangovers the next day.

At 21, you are only just developing into an adult. You need to spend your time with your friends, getting tipsy on cocktails and going on girls holidays.
Don’t ruin your life by marrying this man.

My eldest daughter is 23, and I would be so unhappy if this was happening to her. She left a controlling relationship and she can now see what we could see at the time and she really feels like she is living instead of just existing.

This is why the constant drumbeat of "all sexuality and kink is beautiful and acceptable" is a men's rights movement bent on making it so women can't even see abuse and gaslighting when it happens to them.

OP is facing an absolutely unconscionable situation, but she's a slow-boiled frog who has to question even the tiny shreds of self-esteem she has left, because kink culture told her it was positive self-exploration, not a sign of a hole in someone's soul, when they talk about nothing but sex and pursue increasingly strange forms of it away from their intended partner.

You poor thing being treated like this at 21. Please understand that this is not normal. He’s also emotionally abusing you by telling you to message other men and then getting upset when you do as he asked. He is putting you at risk by sleeping with other people, whether men or women, especially if he is not using protection. Oh and he’s treating you like a mug for leading you to believe that this is normal behaviour. Please leave him for your own good!

Oh Jeez, you already have children?

Surely not, he wanted her to invite a stranger over to their house for a shag on a Friday night.

How old is he, OP?

They’re TTC too.

OMG. You're 21?!

Don't marry him.

It's all about him isn't it? Run. Run as fast and as far as you can.

As for apologising to him for doing EXACTLY what he asked you to do (investigate alternative male sex partners) he can fuck right off. How bloody are he manipulate you.

Run run run

Run as fast as you can.

If it makes you happy to have a life completely dominated by his sexual desires then go for it.

Just don't expect him to ever change. Ever.

Oh my god your dh sounds like my worst nightmare, he would literally shag anything that walks. I agree with previous posters, what happens when kids come into the situation, are you going to invite weird randomers around for 3 somes etc. If you aren't available to him because your tired etc, is he going to be off riding other men and women? Not a healthy set up at all OP

You guys are totally on different paths!

I have not read the full thread : You are compromising on your needs to always satisfy him and the fact that you apologised because he got upset is absolutely ridiculous!

How many boundaries is he going to push before you realise he is all about sex?

Ask yourself if you were single ..
would you do what he has asked you to do?
Is it something YOU desire to explore?

I think you are bending over backwards to all his desires that you have forgotten YOU!

I have been where you are it will never end. Nothing you do will be enough for him. You are still so young please leave him while you still have your health.

Is his real??

What the fuck have I just read? You've been with the same weirdo since you were 13, he's encouraging you to sleep around, you're TWENTY ONE! I've got a daughter your age and I'd be horrified if she was doing this. Why are you marrying this prick? You're too young for all of this. Go and live your life, meet people, have some life experiences. This is just abuse, he has a massive problem and whatever you do will never be enough...he'll want more and more and to take more and more risks. You're not even old enough to have a smear test...yet you most definitely need one. Go and have a full set of STI tests and run away as fast as you can. Bloody hell, I am just speechless.

Wow, ive always had a healthy sex drive but he sounds like he has zero boundaries at all and is pushing you into sexual encounters you dont even want. Its fucked up. I think you should call the wedding off, have an Sti test amd stick to sexual encounters you do want. I really hope he hasnt given you something nasty yet.
You need better boundaries woman

I can’t tell you how sad this makes me

This is NOT a healthy sexually explorative fun relationship right now
He is demanding and then sulks and is always seeking a new thrill. He is also lying to you.

This is also NOT the kind of relationship that will make you happy I’m the future
Imagine having children with someone who is so focused on sexual thrills and his needs- you would be tired, in pain, focused on your baby and he will be angry and demanding sex and looking elsewhere.

OP I’m sad that you can’t see what is going on and I’d urge you to get some therapy (on your own) to help you before you get any deeper in.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ... be brave and call off the wedding!! This post is terrifying, this is not a normal situation and you should not be subjected to any of this. Asking you to procure men for him to sleep with is twisted and wrong. Run for the hills

If your partner had a personality transplant and was instantly happy with whatever sex life you would choose to suit you best, what would that sex life look like?

• that's you OP and not him

This is why the constant drumbeat of "all sexuality and kink is beautiful and acceptable" is a men's rights movement bent on making it so women can't even see abuse and gaslighting when it happens to them.

OP is facing an absolutely unconscionable situation, but she's a slow-boiled frog who has to question even the tiny shreds of self-esteem she has left, because kink culture told her it was positive self-exploration, not a sign of a hole in someone's soul, when they talk about nothing but sex and pursue increasingly strange forms of it away from their intended partner.

Bravo @WombOfOnesOwn That is a fucking brilliant post. Mind you, I suppose slow-boiling the frog is easier if you start grooming her aged 13.

OP, this is no life. Please don't marry him.

Please, for the love of Christ, leave him. You are 21, you should be having the time of your life!! Not shackling yourself to such a repugnant man.

Am I missing something? Where did the OP say she was 21 or had DCs?
Has she come back under a different user name?
Surely this thread can't be for real!
Surely if it is for real the DP has done a great job on brainwashing the OP if she cannot see the inequality in this relationship and realise that her future with him is doomed !

He has a serious sex addiction problem and is manipulating you into going along with it. He's fucked up.
I suspect being separated from him is the worst fear you have in the world. He will use this to make you think you like what he asks you to do.
What age is he? I read your other threads. In one thread you said you have severe social anxiety and have no friends. But if he asks you to message strangers and go and shag them - you find that doable.
But you wouldn't be able to go to a Toddler group for example?
Does that make you wonder what might be going on.
I hope some day you can build a life for yourself and your children and be free of this manipulative man who keeps you like a sex slave.
He's not your Dad. You don't have to do what he tells you.
You could get free counselling from the rape crisis centre.
If you can get counselling you can build another safe relationship with the counsellor and that may help you separate your own identify from his. Wish you all the best.

I think @princessfaffalot is correct. Advanced search is revealing