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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My almost husband & his unhealthy relationship with sex

182 replies

An0nym0us2011 · 15/01/2020 16:06

Me & my partner (due to get married in almost a month) have been together since we where 13, we've had our upside downs, but were generally really happy & have great communication and trust.
However, we've always had a really great sex life, probably 5/6 times a week. We both have some kinks were Into.
However the past ,2 or so years his have been abit more intense e.i him sleeping with men (I knew about and gave him the green light because I wanted him to explore) , wanting me to sleep with other men (which I didn't do) but he really wanted me to, wanting to go to swinging clubs etc. We've discussed him sleeping with other women but with only me there & involved. He was fine with that and agreed. He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.

He works away 4 nights a week quite far away. He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days. But said it wasnt my fault but he just wasn't mentally okay lately ( he occasionally goes through bouts of bad depression). So we made up, he came home from work all was fine.
He was asleeo and left his phone downstairs so I thought I'd have a look through it, to find messages to a bunch of girls on a dating app, sexting and inviting to his hotel. I saw red because were always so open and agreed with each other and communicated everything.

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence and it was just the thrill of talking to other girls, I kinda believe him but I'm heart broken.

I don't want to leave him but could he have some kind of addiction? I just needed to tell someone as it's not really something I can talk to people about

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/01/2020 18:10

@HazelBite think pp have done a search on username. Op I'm amazed you find the time or energy to indulge him. Iirc he has separated you from all family support and spends limited time with you as a family. Do not marry or have more children with him. It may seem as if you are too far involved to escape but your mh will suffer, if not already, through his vile and abusive behaviour.

JemimaPuddleCat · 15/01/2020 18:18

Leave him, OP - think of the maintenance you'll get from his £61k salary!! (at 21 - he's obviously a high flyer!)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/01/2020 18:20

@HazelBite - there is one update from the OP on this thread, where she says she is 21.

Epona1 · 15/01/2020 18:22

Various threads from OP, has 2 children evidently, 2yrs and another 9 months

ApplePie99 · 15/01/2020 18:23

On Sunday you wrote a post saying you were currently trying for your third child with him! Why?! Confused

Original poster
An0nym0us2011 · 15/01/2020 18:37

We are generally really happy, hes just spiraling out of control and need to be brought back down.

OP posts:
Original poster
An0nym0us2011 · 15/01/2020 18:37

He's also the Same age

OP posts:
PityParty4one · 15/01/2020 18:41

Jesus christ there is 2 kids involved already the youngest 9 months and you are ttc again despite the lack of sleep you are currently dealing with Hmm

Good god woman get rid of the sex pest. Get an STD check and focus on the 2 children you already have!

Lipz · 15/01/2020 18:46

Fuck that for a game of soldiers !! So he's shagging everything with a pulse, you don't mind who he explores with, he wants you to shag other people but changed his mind as he felt jealous and you apologised to him for following 'orders'. WTAF ? I've never heard anything like it. Look, everyone has their likes and if all this crazy shit is what you're into then great..... if you think he's not shagging when away, you're very naive, I'd be getting myself every test under the sun and binning the eejit.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/01/2020 18:47

If having two kids didn’t calm him down what will?.

Highonpotandused · 15/01/2020 18:49

So it sounds like you’re both willing to bring home random men and women to sleep with with two kids at home?

Sounds like a prequel to Fred and Rose.

Princessfaffalot · 15/01/2020 18:50

I really hope the OP is just bored and posting random shite for entertainment. If she really does have 2 kids and is TTC with all this wannabe fifty shades going on I pity the kids. But advanced search would suggest the op is just bored.

Reallynowdear · 15/01/2020 18:55

No, you're not happy otherwise you would not be posting here.

Zoflorabore · 15/01/2020 19:14

Is he bi/gay op? There’s nothing stopping him leaving you for a woman or a man.

My first LTB too.

ToastandCheese · 15/01/2020 20:21

OP you’ve no idea what a healthy relationship is.

yogo · 15/01/2020 20:39

I'd let him get on with having sex with random men if I were you, while you pack your bags.

Plumbus · 15/01/2020 21:14

WTF at this situation.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/01/2020 21:24

Fundamentally he wants to have sex with lots of people and it doesnt seem like you do. I think he said to you to do it to give him justification for what he was doing, but he couldn't handle it.
Unless you're happy being in a one way polyamorous relationship (if that's the right phrase?) where he can do what he wants and you can't, then I think this needs to end.

It is very very unusual for people to marry people they were together with as teens as people change so much and grow apart. You are also exceptionally young to get married and it sounds like maybe he is panicking about not playing the field.

Why do you / does he want to get married when he is still exploring whether he likes men or even whether he wants a monogamous relationship. Like others have said what would happen if one of you was ill or you were pregnant and didn't want sex? Now he has started exploring I dont think he would find it easy to stop if you wanted him to

12345kbm · 15/01/2020 21:37

I'm wondering if he has cameras set up in the bedroom so that he could watch while his fiance had sex with other men. I would search the bedroom OP.

CallMeOnMyCell · 15/01/2020 21:41

Really hope this is a troll thread Sad

HeavenlyEyes · 15/01/2020 21:48

why on earth are you with him? He sleeps around with anyone who he can lay his hands on - you think he needs bringing into line?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/01/2020 21:50

Are you having kids you're unsure about having, in the same way you looked into sex with strange men even though you didn't like the idea of it?

You're generally happy with him, even though you have two small children and he's away lots?

It's not healthy to think of your own happiness so little. I guess you think what makes him happy makes you happy. Sad

ToastandCheese · 15/01/2020 21:58

Why have you got no friends OP?

bobstersmum · 15/01/2020 22:00

Ltb but lol at upside downs!

MsDogLady · 16/01/2020 00:04

OP, you have been very concerned about leaving your 2 small children with your in-laws during your wedding because: they might smoke weed around the children and feed them junk, and they have previously taught relatives’ children to curse and roll cigarettes. AND YET you were actively searching for a random stranger to bring into your children’s home for sex. You were willing to put yourself and your children in danger because your dominating partner told you to.

Also, you are TTC with your promiscuous partner, so are at risk for passing on STDs to a child in utero.

You are in an abusive, codependent relationship. You would be a fool to marry this sexually incontinent bully who coerces you for his own gratification and expects you to apologize after he abuses you. This is an extremely toxic relationship model to show your children.