My almost husband & his unhealthy relationship with sex

[An0nym0us2011]

Me & my partner (due to get married in almost a month) have been together since we where 13, we've had our upside downs, but were generally really happy & have great communication and trust.
However, we've always had a really great sex life, probably 5/6 times a week. We both have some kinks were Into.
However the past ,2 or so years his have been abit more intense e.i him sleeping with men (I knew about and gave him the green light because I wanted him to explore) , wanting me to sleep with other men (which I didn't do) but he really wanted me to, wanting to go to swinging clubs etc. We've discussed him sleeping with other women but with only me there & involved. He was fine with that and agreed. He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.

He works away 4 nights a week quite far away. He asked me to get another guy round and sleep with him on Friday, I told him I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him. I started messaging people on a site, he asked for the messages so I screen shotted and sent him them...he got upset and said he didn't like it and he felt jealous so I immediately stopped and apologised loads. He fell out with me for a few days. But said it wasnt my fault but he just wasn't mentally okay lately ( he occasionally goes through bouts of bad depression). So we made up, he came home from work all was fine.
He was asleeo and left his phone downstairs so I thought I'd have a look through it, to find messages to a bunch of girls on a dating app, sexting and inviting to his hotel. I saw red because were always so open and agreed with each other and communicated everything.

He swears he never had anyone round because he doesn't have the confidence and it was just the thrill of talking to other girls, I kinda believe him but I'm heart broken.

I don't want to leave him but could he have some kind of addiction? I just needed to tell someone as it's not really something I can talk to people about

lordy get out now - can you imagine having kids with this selfish dickhead! Are you really into these 'kinks' or are you just going along with it to keep him happy. No one deserves this, you deserve a happy trusting relationship. Get the fuck out - and get yourself tested for sti's asap!!

All sounds so unhealthy and messed up. If you want an open relationship, fine, but... He makes demands on you, tries to get you to do stuff you're not happy with, hides things from you and is mentally unstable. Please don't marry him and sign yourself up for however many more years of this.

Sweet jesus NO

You are living yourself up for heartbreak, humilation, cheating and plenty of sexually transmitted diseases

I really hope you’ve had an STI test.

As a first step please talk to women's aid. The label abuse is scary to hear if you haven't evaluated your relationship in this way. But the relationship you're in is abusive, not because you both have links, but because he is using control and coercion. Please read Lundy Bancroft book why does he do that? Sexually abusive men "groom" their partners to perform sexual acts they may otherwise not perform or feel comfortable with, often by using porn and normalising the act and minimising your concerns. When you face this terrible reality you can then take your power back and put steps in place to call off your wedding. Good luck. And be very careful.

How old are you?

He sounds very experimental and open with very high sex drive nothing wrong with this as long as you are both on the same page which TBH I don't think you are .
Wouldn't try and change people as always think this is a none starter sorry really don't think this is going to work.
As you say been together since 13 my guess is he wants to live a little in that area if you get my drift. shame because in 10 years when he's got it out of his system it's too late .

Surely the point of getting married is to commit to one person. That’s what is regarded as the expectation in general in this country anyway.

Why would you marry someone who has clearly indicated that yours is not an exclusive relationship and will continue to be the same.

That’s leaving aside the controlling aspect and the fact that he’s potentially exposing you to disease.

Erm..... do not marry this man.

You have two very young kids and are TTC another? Not sure that fits into your lifestyle.

This cannot be real - you’d marry someone like this? What for?

@JemimaPuddleCat agreed.

OP, why are you looking to shackle yourself in marriage to this abusive creep?

I wasn't sure about it but he kept telling me too and how happy it would make him He coerced you into committing to having sex with other men despite your clear discomfort, insisting that his feelings were more important than yours.
He then changed his mind & blamed you for his coercive behaviour, & punished you for "a few days" for his own actions.

This scenario is straight out of the abusers' handbook.
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

As you have been together since you were 13 I am assuming this is the only sexual relationship you have known. You have only his treatment of you as a basis to wonder how normal it is, what you should be expected to put up with, & how much your own wishes should be respected. You need more experience before committing to any marriage, let alone one with this manipulative, selfish man.

He talks about sex 24/7 it's all he thinks about, he's always watching porn, it's abit unhealthy.
He would bore me to sobs.
You must be bored witless OP. What about other interests, making a full life, engaging with reality rather than porn?
What exactly is in it for you here?
Is he actually more of a long-standing habit than a fun & engaging partner?

He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He will not change, you cannot fix him, it is not your job to fix him or appease him or indulge his sexual appetite. I suggest you ditch him, get yourself tested for STD's, & start spending a lots more time with friends, finding out more about life & relationships.

This cannot be real

If it is, I'll eat my hat.

What’s the point of being married in a relationship like this

You’ll end up in a swingers club having some sweaty bloke on top of you while your husband goes off with other women.

*Dh had a colleague who was a swinger, it is grimmer than you first imagine

He'll be fucking other people every chance he gets

OP, you haven't experienced a normal relationship as you have been with this man since you were 13. It sounds horribly toxic.

He sounds like he has a sex addiction and is very mentally unwell

I agree. I think he is also sexually abusive and coercive.

Please, please think twice about getting married.

“...great communication and trust”

Maybe you like an open relationship, but most people wouldn’t. Most people would consider him exploring his sexuality with other men, women etc unusual, especially in a long term relationship.

How long have you been together? How old are you. How long has he been like this? Has he ever been faithful to you, or has he always slept around?

I think the relationship up is unhealthy also. Knowing that he had been messaging girls means you probably no longer will be able,to trust him, especially as he is away so much.

If you’ve been together since teens, it will be painful to step away, or,postpone the wedding, but I think this is too big too ignore. You don’t need to explain, if anyone asks jut say you are working through some personal issues.

Better to call of the wedding now, than get a divorce when you decide you don’t want to live with this sleazebag.

@TimeForPlentyIn2020 I'm 21

This is possibly the most grim and messed up thing I have read on MN and that’s saying something. He sounds utterly repellant and you would be insane to even contemplate marrying him. And as a PP said, what exactly is the point of marrying someone when the two of you are knowingly messing around with other people. This is grim and it’s concerning that you have been in this since 13. It’s not normal and you need to break free to learn that.

Yuck, sounds like a sordid story from the old News of the World.

Definately LTB!
Weird man.

OP, he needs help with his porn addiction -- and incidentally, if he is using it constantly there is a strong risk he will get bored and stray beyond what's legal.

Whether he sorts himself out or not is his responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself here, and to any children you may have in the future. You really don't want to be married to someone like this, and your children deserve a better father.

Oh Jeez, you already have children?

This guy sounds so disgusting; if you can't see that, then I don't know what we can say to you.