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Original poster

Relationship issues

344 replies

FMO1976 · 14/01/2020 14:45

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 14/01/2020 23:11

Well he isn’t prioritising you and your relationship

Elbels · 14/01/2020 23:12

I read this as you enjoy the lifestyle his salary affords you and don't want to give that up?

You seem remarkably blasé for someone who thinks their husband is having an affair. And of course you shouldn't contact his team to tell them!

Alfiemoon1 · 14/01/2020 23:26

Don’t contact his work you obviously enjoy the lifestyle his salary provides and you may cost him his job. Why is it important she knows you know? You work for the same company she knows he’s married and doesn’t care so is not likely to be bothered if you know or not especially as you aren’t doing anything about it and are going to turn a blind eye

Isn’t it more important your husband knows you know ? He seems to want to keep up the bravado of the perfect family life wife dc etc while having affairs and disrespecting you neither of you seem happy in this relationship but are prepared to carry as things are

Danini · 14/01/2020 23:39

I haven't read the whole thread so it might have been mentioned before - I'd say it's best to see a family counsellor and talk through both of your views with a neutral party

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 04:00

The money is good, but doesn’t make happiness

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 04:02

Very fed up with the whole situation. 6 weeks ago things were looking pretty good, and we were looking forward to Christmas. Before he started texting someone else....again

OP posts:
Needtogetbackinthesack · 15/01/2020 04:26

But if he started texting someone else again 6 weeks ago while you thought it was all going well... he obviously didn't think it was going well. So there's another fundamental issue. I remember the times I always found out big shit were when I thought things were going ok and it completely Blindsided me when I realised he obviously didn't think things were going ok, it' s a double deception.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 06:19

That’s true.

OP posts:
minmooch · 15/01/2020 06:21

Bloody hell woman you need a big dose of reality here.

Your husband is a liar and a cheat.

He gets no pleasure from his children and makes no effort to interact with them.

He sees you as an au pair.

You don't seem to like him.

He doesn't seem to like you.

Do not underestimate what your young kids feel at this age. They may not be able to verbalise or understand their feelings but they will know on some level that their father is disinterested in them and finds them a chore. This is and will be extremely damaging to them. And you are facilitating this.

Many parents work long hours to provide for the family. Many of those parents are delighted to be home, play a full part of family life, make up for missed time. You are making excuses for your husbands disinterest.

A nice big home does not make a happy family.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 08:01

That’s true. I think he views it as he provides the money and that means we can pay to out source everything....fine if you then use that time to build a relationship with your wife and children. Less fine if you want to use your weekends for the gym, and having a rest. Even less fine if you want to lie and cheat. It’s also weird for the OW - he’s been here for 2 weeks over Christmas and then every Friday night and weekend. I do believe he’s overseas the majority of the time he says he is so who the hell knows what he’s up to.

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 08:05

BTW - he does make an effort to interact with the kids, it just always seems to grudging which makes it stressful for me. If he sits in the playroom he’s always on his phone (mainly reading the paper). If we end up speaking to his parents on Sunday I’ll be interested what he tells them - he’ll definitely try and position it as ‘it’s not working for us both’ as he’s not man enough to tell them he’s walking out as they’ll be mad. They told me they’d support me to divorce him last time so we’ll see. It must be weird for them seeing their son being such a poor husband and father.

OP posts:
MMadness · 15/01/2020 08:08

He is a prick. Grab your dignity back and begin separation.

He won't change.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 08:18

I just wish the house was more straightforward - more saleable, had a smaller mortgage, H would agree to actually putting it on the market (we both need to sign the agent forms). Better would be to stay in the short term but it’s definitely not affordable in the longer term for me unless the maintenance payments are very significant.

It’s hard for me and also very sad for him and the kids.

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 08:20

I often see his parents when they come round and he’s working so be good to get their perspective - they will be devastated the grandchildren will be moving away and put in this turmoil. That said, a part of me does think they are similar to H in that they are most interested in rolling them out at family functions (that’s true of her, definitely not of him who absolutely dotes on them, playing with them for hours)

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 08:21

I guess the way he treated his first affair victim (he said she knew he was married but not sure if that’s true) says something about him.....use her when he was depressed to boost his ego.

OP posts:
Tsubasa1 · 15/01/2020 08:26

Why don't you treat yourself with some respect. Just read your post OP. How can you still love him... would you want your daughters to be with a man like your husband? A man who cheats in you?

Luckystar777 · 15/01/2020 08:33

He's a dick, I would leave him, I feel sorry for your kids having that as a father.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2020 08:56

Where's your self worth at here?. Why is your relationship bar so very low?

If someone else was writing this, what would your counsel to them be?.

He is a supremely selfish individual who also feels absolutely entitled to have affairs (and there are probably others that you have no knowledge of).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. A shedload of damaging lessons, that is what. Its your two children I feel for the most for in all this because despite their tender ages they know on some level that their dad is hardly ever there, that he shows no overt interest in them and that you as their mother is often preoccupied and unhappy. I sincerely hope that they are not blaming their own selves here for this situation but they could well be. Both of you as their parents here continue to let them down.

I personally would not want any counsel from your mother or his mother in particular who seems to be very much like your H as well.

No obstacle, even the house here, is insurmountable. Have you considered seeking legal advice for your own self, after all knowledge here is power. Make a better life for yourself without this man in it

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 15/01/2020 09:07

It's not that sad for the kids. That's a lie people tell themselves. Don't hide behind it.

Their new normal will be fine. People move for all kinds of reasons all the time. One parent has to be away for work a lot fairly commonly, children and families cope. Grandparents and friends move away for all sorts of reasons too. It is normal life for people close to you to change stuff like where they love, work, how much time is available to spend with you. Totally normal. The children are fine.

Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 09:28

I guess that as there is no one divorced at the school, none of my friends are divorced etc. it’s frustrating that I made such a poor choice and the kids now have to go through all this. While the advice here is categorical, I guess there are lots of stories of marriages coming back from the brink. Maybe unrealistic here, but if you don’t try you don’t know. He said yesterday that he’s going to cut back on all the travelling as he’s had enough of it - I guess we can then see where he spends his time!

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 09:29

It’s weird as only a few months back he had an architect round and was discussing significant work on the house!

OP posts:
Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 09:29

Guess it’s frustrating for everyone living in a broken marriage....

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Original poster
FMO1976 · 15/01/2020 09:45

I think he needs to realise the kids want to feel that he’s around - even if he’s not home much. When he WFH on Friday it made a big difference. It’s probably not realistic to leave the office at 4:30pm to get home to see them on a regular basis. I get that.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2020 10:15

You come across as passive and almost resigned. Forget him and what he should or should not do here; what about you in all this?. Where are you here?

He has not been faithful and infact and cannot be faithful to you; he's trampled all over your wedding vows. He also came back supposedly because of his children (who he hardly ever sees and has any real interest in) . He came back because it suited him to do so in keeping up the image of a family man. He has no respect for you or his children for that matter.

You and he are really together now for your own reasons, its nothing to do with these children. They are not glue nor should be used as such by either of you to bind you and he together. He gets what he wants out of this; power and control over you and other women fool enough to believe his lies.

YasssKween · 15/01/2020 10:20

What would you advise your kids to do if they were in this situation as adults?