Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

I get it - the fact that I spend all my time at home with the kids (having a well paid, dull job) while he’s off working all the time has slowly eroded the purpose to my life. I was previously an international sports player with lots of ambitions and motivations. Now my sole purpose seems to be to bring up happy, well adjusted kids. That’s admirable, but not quite enough for me to feel satisfied.....part of the issues we have perhaps.

He thinks that having a nanny to help, and my straightforward job meaning that I can go to the gym in the day, should make up for the fact that he’s never here and the fact that his job means that any plans I do make have to be repeatedly cancelled.

Maybe make him go the drs for antidepressants. Also when he is home as the nanny to babysit and have date nights whenever he is home. Put in one last real effort to make it work and see what happens. Maybe he is a bit babyish and needs attention. If you make a real effort to do date night when he's home every time. It might make him feel better. X

WTF

Lisawhat is he doing to make his wife feel better?

Why do you need a nanny when you dont work??? This whole post is just LOL

@undecided91

I work 4 days a week

OP. I want to see a post from you that stops saying 'he' and 'him' and one that has more 'I' and 'me'. Maybe quite difficult for you? Stop perceiving yourself through his eyes. But through your own. Fuck how rich you are and having a nanny. That's all bullshit. From what I've read, he has treated you with contempt and is taking you for granted. Please dont feed that. Just cos there us cash and status, does not mean you have a healthy good family life.

Why do you want to stay with him? Honestly? After the way he has/ is behaving? No judgement. Just what is it you want (or are scared of)? X

@P999

I have never felt money makes you happy and in many ways hinders. I completely agree. We only have an after school nanny the days I work. I am trying to see the situation through the eyes of the DC rather than mine. As family tell me - you don’t get well paid for 9 to 5

I want a happy family life - which until about 4 weeks before Christmas I thought we were working towards again. Then seems he’s got interested in someone else....:and I am still tempted to send her a message that a ‘leopard won’t change his spots’ just so she knows I know. And see if she tells my husband or goes back again!

I was just like you - well paid husband who was never home, not sure if he ever cheated - probably - but did lots of other disrespectful stuff. One day when he was away for work I packed and left with my dignity almost intact (other than everyone knew I'd put up with 5 years of shit) best thing I ever did, you're making excuses for yourself.
If you don't want to leave, don't but don't try and kid yourself that he will ever change. If you stay you need to do some serious work with your kids because mine (2&4) are seriously screwed up already from the shit he put us through - and they were never on the receiving end of violence etc just him not being around, not being engaged with them or relate to them etc.

He sounds vile and I'm sad that you think so little of yourself that you are staying (and I say that as someone who stayed too - so no judgement just empathy)

And now you are focusing on the OW, not your cheating husband! Forget her. There will be a million other OWs if you stay. Are you just going to take on each and every OW? I know you want a happy family life. And the ideal is with both parents, together. But trust me when I say, it's really very ok being a single mum. Honest. My kids are thriving. Yes, it takes some adjustment not to have the ideal. You have to abandon a fantasy. But for me, it was liberating and I got my personality back...your kids will also be ok. But sense you are struggling to entertain the idea you might be better off without him. Don't want to push.

Are you scared of your husband?

You can get paid well enough for 9-5 believe me.
I'd take that over being humiliated by my husband.

Or even if you're not scared, it looks like he's done a big fat gargantuan number on your sense of self worth and self esteem. Is he manipulative? Cos you seem to have gone from high flying sportswoman (that must take huge drive and character) to woman whose needs and sense of self worth are only measured through how it impacts on others. X

Don't bring his work into this. Deal with it at home between you two.

We had a senior exec whose wife did this. She reported him "anonymously" but we knew it was her. And yes he was sleeping wit the girl in question. The upshot was after some internal discussions etc, He was given the "opportunity" to resign. Or we would move to dismissal. There was enough evidence with business travel. It would have been tough for him to fight.

He did resign, and he then left his wife because of her costing him his job. He also dumped the woman he was sleeping with, that was just sex and irrelevant to him.

A cautionary tale and I can assure you 100 percent true.

Going to ponder it - would like her to know I know. H doesn’t know I know who he’s messaging so doubt would come back to me

@Needtogetbackinthesack

What issues caused your kids then?

Why aren't you confronting him first?

Forget her, he’s the one betraying you

Why would you want her leftovers?

He’ll deny it - initially at least. He knows I think it’s someone at work so given we work at the same place I will have access to all her contact details. He loves his job so part of me thinks he wouldn’t be stupid enough to sleep with / send inappropriate messages....
He did admit and break off last affair though

@Costacoffeeplease

Isn’t it more she’s getting them! It’s going to be a long and complex ride if they try and make go of it

I may see what gets said on Sunday if he speaks to his folks

Why do you want her to know you know?

If it's because you want it to stop then talk to your husband about it.

She isn't going to get a random message and just end it.

If she does, he'll ask why and she'll tell him about said message and he'd be pretty stupid at that stage not to think it was you.

You're just adding more layers of complication by getting in touch with her.

She knows he's married, she knows he has kids. She obviously doesn't give a shit. You messaging her just tells her you're a mug if you stay with him - that's how she'll see it.

He'll have told her you're mental, you aren't close any more, you treat him badly and use him for money blah blah blah. He'll already have painted you as a villain, you'll just be proving his lies point.