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Original poster

Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

366 replies

VioletVoice · 12/01/2020 16:40

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

OP posts:
exponential · 14/01/2020 00:37

@MrsTerryPratchett
Street workers have higher levels of PTSD than Vietnam vets. What's that all about then?

Well mostly class A drugs-most street prostitutes are drug addicted, lead chaotic lives and are frequently homeless and often have their kids removed from them.

Prostitutes who are working indoors and independently have the same level of mental problems as aged matched controls in the general population here and here and here

As far as coerced and exploited the figure is around 6% table1 -not that this is acceptable but the majority of prostitutes are not-contrary to the claims of abolitionists coerced

calllaaalllaaammma · 14/01/2020 00:38

I would wonder if this is what he's willing to confess to, early on in a relationship then there might be a lot of other stuff going on too that he's keeping hidden.
He doesn't seem ashamed of it & seems to have normalised it.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 00:55

I really have no idea about their marriage as this was years before I met him. He was a teen and she was 10 years older, sounds like they both acted horribly towards each other.

Anyway he won't communicate with me properly, I haven't heard from him since this morning. Since I'm questioning him he called me a lunatic. I really don't have the energy, inclination or time to get into arguments so I bypassed that. But if he doesn't have care and consideration for me it's just a complete no. I'm not asking anything outrageous

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2020 01:53

As far as coerced and exploited the figure is around 6%.

1 in 17. So this dickhead had a 1 in 17 chance that if he had sex with a prostitute, she was coerced or exploited. That's assuming indoor and in London. And that he only saw 1 prostitute. But he didn't. And wait, he was abroad. It probable that at least one was exploited or coerced.

And the study recruited women willing and able to be part of a study. I'm assuming that most coerced women aren't willing and able to be part of a study. Can you see how that might skew statistics? I mean really... come on.

insideandout3 · 14/01/2020 06:41

"Knowing that a woman wouldn't give you a second glance but if you pay her a lot of money to sleep with you she will must be quite depressing I'd think."

That explains the insane-o amounts of violence men slam down on prostitutes. After men ejaculate and the internal hollowness returns with a fat side of shame, they violently take it out on the acceptable object of abuse beneath him.

I've bought marijuana illegally more than a hundred times and never once felt like doing to any of my dealers what men routinely do to the providers of their paid sex experiences.

YasssKween · 14/01/2020 07:12

Presumably now he's called you a tirade of names and acted like a complete dick to you, you don't even want to be friends with him now?

I can't imagine why you would.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 07:29

@YasssKween I kind of do want to be friends - the only reason this came up recently is that I wasn't finding him affectionate/caring enough so I started questioning him a bit more.

He hugged me and told me it wasn't about sex, but I need more reassurance. Anyway haven't heard from him since yesterday morning so I'll give him some breathing space to adjust to being just friends (if we will). I'm not a lunatic for asking questions.

I've got work stuff on at the moment so he'll have to take a back bench. He's taking up too much head space to be frank and this is MY own fault, so I'm taking a step back. I really don't want to get into a slanging match so deep breath, let it go.

OP posts:
PityParty4one · 14/01/2020 07:37

He hugged me and told me it wasn't about sex

When you pay somebody for sex how is that not about sex?

He has zero respect for women and calling you a lunatic for questioning his illegal act of paying for sex is the cherry on top.
I would take a huge step back and ask yourself why you want to even be friends with such a person.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 07:42

I guess I feel a bit guilty because although I love him I'm not IN love with him.

He hasn't given me the chance to relax as he won't communicate properly. He seems to think I've broken his heart and I'm a she-devil.

OP posts:
PityParty4one · 14/01/2020 07:44

He seems to think I've broken his heart and I'm a she-devil.

No you have rightly questioned his abuse of women for sexual gratification.
He is not a good man and hes showing you that with bells on.

You cannot fix him OP. He does not want to be fixed because to him hes not the problem you are.

Run.

YasssKween · 14/01/2020 08:18

Not affectionate enough for your needs
Has used prosritutes which makes you uncomfortable
Goes awol after arguments
Has actually called you a lunatic for wanting to talk about all this

Yep, going to be a great friend. Unless it's sunk cost fallacy I don't see personally why you'd even went to be mates with this joker.

thewooster · 14/01/2020 08:34

I don't understand why you want to remain friends with this massive bell end. Walk away OP and don't look back. Plenty of fish in the sea without putting up with this crap and surely you deserve better mates.

ohwheniknow · 14/01/2020 08:38

Familiar with codependency, op?

There's something a bit wrong if you're getting into or staying in relationships because you want to fix or save someone, or feel "guilty" for acting in your own best interests. That's not healthy.

It's worrying that a man can launch personal attacks and emotional manipulation on you yet you're still talking about sticking around and maintaining contact.

Calling a woman's sanity into question because she challenged him is right out of the misogynistic abuser's textbook. (Misogynistic abuse is not a symptom of depression, by the way.)

You need to be able to walk away from people who are bad news. That you can't suggests your boundaries and self esteem aren't as robust as you thought.

You are not his social worker or other mental health worker. He is not a project.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 09:08

Oh I just want a bit more affection. I'm not asking the earth!

It's left now anyway, might come back if I need more support and advice

OP posts:
BercowsFlamingoFlownSouth · 14/01/2020 09:37

Why would you even want him in your life? It's not your job to save him. He's not your responsibility.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 09:48

Well I love him and I'd miss him and worry about him if he's gone.

I'm not about to hurt him though and I have no idea why he thinks I'm hurting him.

I won't contact him as from now but if he wants to initiate contact again I'll have to be very clear I need more hugs, love and empathy. I want to be able to talk to someone properly.

Thank you for talking me through this

OP posts:
FramingDevice · 14/01/2020 10:12

You’re seeing someone who has freely admitted to renting the use of women’s bodies and purchasing ‘consent’, and the only problem as you see it is that you don’t get enough hugs and empathy? Hmm

BercowsFlamingoFlownSouth · 14/01/2020 10:16

Jeez.

ohwheniknow · 14/01/2020 10:19

Cool, you want more hugs from the man who called you a lunatic. Gotcha.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 10:22

@FramingDevice no I don't like it at all Blush Nothing against prostitutes, they're doing their job.

That was in the past though and I tried hard to have a proper relationship but I don't think we can. I need loads more love and reassurance. I'm not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be but I do need this

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 10:53

I'm trying to step away next few days. Shame, as we had a nice day out planed next weekend.

There you go I'm a fucking Muppet.

He's taking up too much of my time and it is actually my fault for allowing that to happen. Focus on work now (memo to self)

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletVoice · 14/01/2020 11:11

I can't even remember how to spell. We had a nice day planned, we're not getting on a plane.

Anyway it's been radio silence from him since yesterday so I feel hurt but it's partially my own making. I'll recover in a few days time.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 14/01/2020 12:23

Since I'm questioning him he called me a lunatic.

He called you a lunatic for questioning/being uncomfortable about him using prostitutes abroad .......

ConfusedConfusedHmm

That would make the vast majority of the population lunatics. Many many women would be out off and uncomfortable about that, and - it's a scenario that the vast majority of men never find themselves in ; but if a man found out a potential love interest has paid for sex with make escorts more than once in the past .... They'd be questioning it and seriously put off too.

Then there's the fact that they appear to have been still married while doing that to boot.

But we're all lunatics and he's normal.

Op I out it to you that anyone who calls you a lunatic for your completely normal a d justified response to something is not someone you should try to be friends, let alone anything else with.

That's not a well adjusted person.

GilbertMarkham · 14/01/2020 12:24

*put it to you

GilbertMarkham · 14/01/2020 12:27

Also in general there seems to be an awful lot of talk about helping, and supporting, and understanding, and tolerating and .....

Fuck that.

Unless you're being paid as his counsellor (who would not be personally or emotionally involved with him) why .... So much hard work. So much tolerance and giving on your side ... I'd stop trying to support and fix him and look after yourself.

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