Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

[VioletVoice]

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

To the argument that, idk, 99% of all men do this - I'd much rather be alone if I can't find the 1%, as I'm sure many other women would be.

It doesn't make it less abhorrent the more men do it.

Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. A man who feels comfortable paying for the use of a woman's body isn't someone I'd want to be with.
Also I wouldn't be taking relationship advice from beastm0de. His idea of what constitutes a decent man is somewhat skewed.

Using a prostitute is just lazy? That's what you take from this whole thread?

Very weak contribution @scott, but why am I not surprised.🤔

Still, I guess it's the best of the male input on this post, so I'll give you that.

Gross

@AgentJohnson you might have a point, I think I'm too attached. Not actually emotionally, perhaps like a project. I got him started on vitamin D3 this week to see if that would help.

Anyway he's thoroughly pissed off with me questioning him on previous prostitute use so perhaps he'll slam the door himself

For what it's worth, it's about 5% of men who admit to having paid for sex. Of course it's hard to be at all sure about such figures.

I love it when guys do something terrible. So often they have depression. I don't get why depression means they have to cheat, see prostitutes and all the other examples I see here.

Seems to me the excuse so many swallow

But yes I would skip him. Not a catch in any way

Still, I guess it's the best of the male input on this post, so I'll give you that.

Well, given that the other significant contributor of pearls of wisdom was @Beastm0de, who appears periodically to drag his knuckles along the floor of the internet...

Please, OP, find a hobby. Take up potholing or skydiving or macramé or croquet. This ghastly man is not your project to rehabilitate.

It's a huge NO from me
If he has used prostitutes before he can do it again
I could never be relaxed in a relationship with him

Not. A. Chance.

My exH told me early on in our relationship that he had been with a prostitute on a lads weekend in Amsterdam when he was younger.

He turned out to be emotionally and sexually abusive, including raping me multiple times.

Red flag.

PositiveVibez Mon 13-Jan-20 06:43:24…. You are absolutely deluded if you believe this

Sorry it is you who is ignorant. Over the years there have been many posts by nearly 200 current or ex-prostitutes on Mumsnet in which they describe a range of experiences from good to dire-many (even many of those who long left prostitution) describe their experiences as positive. (see for instance several AMA threads on Mumsnet where current and ex prostitutes talk)

The recently commissioned report from Bristol University on The nature and prevalence of prostitution and sex work in England and Wales today here also found that there are those who are positive about their choice to be prostitutes as well as those with negative experiences.

Studies from the Wellcome Trust funded project “Beyond the Gaze” also found the majority of those selling sex via the internet viewed their work positively here

@exponential to me it doesn’t matter how many prostitutes have a good time and choose to go into it

Some of them don’t
And for me, the possibility of having Sex with one of the ones who don’t want to be there is a risk that is too big

Now if my dh could assure me 100% certainty that was not the case then much of my disgust would go away. But to me, still buying use of a woman’s Body is still unacceptable.
I do not judge prostitutes, if they are truly happy then I’m happy for them, but a man who is happy to buy a woman, I don’t believe (though I would certainly hear out the reason in case my mind could be changed) isn’t a man for me.

“he's kicking off now that I've emotionally hurt him.”

Seriously dump and block!

Think about WHY your friends would go crackers if you told them - because they know you don’t need this shit! Nobody does!

He’s trying to get you to

Accept what he’s done
Still have sex with him
Placate him at all times

He’s a manipulative, misogynistic, abusive, selfish arse!

I’d LOVE to hear his ex’s side of things too - I’m pretty sure all you’re saying about their relationship & why they split is entirely based on what he’s told you. You’ve only his side of things.

“If she has something she cannot work.” Stunningly naive and ignorant comment there. As a nurse I treated plenty of prostitutes female and Male with sti’s inc hepatitis and hiv that were still working and not always using condoms.

“You really think a well rounded individual who was brought up with a view of healthy male female realtionships, one day decides, 'I'm going to sell my body'.

Doesn't happen.” Totally agree but then I’m wondering if this is the same poster that frequents threads like this to perpetuate the “happy hooker” myth and claims to have been one herself and used Male hookers who only have female clients (another myth in my opinion - they simply wouldn’t make enough money, but they say so because female clients are trying to minimise risk exposure)

I'd much rather be alone if I can't find the 1%, as I'm sure many other women would be. hear hear!

I’ve been single 17 years by choice as in not lived with someone else. I’ve dated, had relationships and a lot of consensual casual sex in that time. It’s not difficult to access if you wish to. It’s not compulsory to be in a live in relationship or indeed any relationship. There are many pros to choosing to be happily single, not having to deal with men like the one in the op is a big one!

Exponential - that some subjectively consider their experiences positive is meaningless when you consider that

A the research is likely very self selecting
B the people being interviewed may well be coming from a perspective of having suffered even worse abuse
C the agenda and funding of the researchers needs to be considered - as with all research
D the respondents have a vested interest in convincing themselves it was a positive experience. If they don’t they have to face the reality that it wasn’t and all the painful consequences of that for the rest of their life.

So you’ll forgive myself and likely many others if we’ll take such “research” proving that the “happy hooker” really exists with a truck load of salt!

Yes - as I suspected. The women, in the main, are damaged from their upbringings. The paper you named says there was a cluster of people who enjoyed the job, but the experiences of shitty upbringings was a repeated pattern in their findings.

It's interesting to me that AMAs on here are positive and studies find positivity. Because I've know and worked with lots of women and some men doing this in more than one country for three decades and haven't found that.

Mostly addicted, mostly abusive childhoods, mostly abusive relationships, doing things they didn't want to do with men they didn't want to do them with. At least one died and I was told by her loving sister who'd managed to claw out of that life. Overdose.

We had a folder where the women could put their bad 'dates' to warn the other women. We used to read them to see if we recognized the rapists, abusers, thieves and violent scum described in there. I don't even wish reading that folder on anyone else, never mind living it.

Did any men check the immigration status, trafficking or coercion of any of the women? Not once. Because they fooled themselves about happy hookers but they didn't bother to check. Because they had no interest in whether the sex they were having even had a small level of bought consent. Certainly the women being beaten up by their pimps boyfriends when they didn't earn enough never seemed to get asked. Even sporting bruises they still had punters.

It's a sordid, violent, misogynist thing and the very few happy, safe, rich, secure women with great childhoods doing this are like hens teeth.

So he slept with prostitutes but it was his ex wife who was the toxic one. Riiiight.

Run away OP!

Ah yes the usual arguments some subjectively consider their experiences positive is meaningless ,so they are all deluded and suffering from and are too stupid to know their own minds?

A The research is likely to be very self-selecting it is impossible in a stigmatized hard to reach population to get a representative sample of those in prostitution-which leads to claims that those who find prostitution OK for them are unrepresentative (see here

However a large number of surveys both in this country (including on Mumsnet) , Denmark, Australia and New Zealand report similar results-there are many in prostitution who actively enjoy their work-a few even enjoy the sex.

B the people being interviewed may well be coming from a perspective of having suffered even worse abuse and your evidence is?

C the agenda and funding of the researchers needs to be considered so what is the agenda of the Wellcome trust? The Bristol work was funded by the Home Office and the Office of the South Wales Police and Crime Commissioner-what is their agenda?. Of the authors of that report Marianne Hester is a supporter of the Nordic Model and has appeared on the same platform as Julie Bindel. Another author Andrea Matolcsi is a radical feminist who believes prostitution is abuse- now what could their agenda be?

D the respondents have a vested interest in convincing themselves it was a positive experience cognitive dissonance again

Yeah-the happy hooker does exist-you should read the SAAFE forum-which is a forum for escorts. What we don’t know is what proportion of hookers are happy-but all the research points to the fact that it that they are not as rare as hens teeth-as is claimed by Mrs Pratchet

@expoential

Street workers have higher levels of PTSD than Vietnam vets. What's that all about then?

So you think it's a majority coerced or exploited? Over 50%? What do you reckon? What level of abusive trauma is acceptable is what I'm getting at? What level of rape and violence (because that's high too)?

And yet women are still allowed to decide whether or not they want to see a man who has paid for sex.

Shocking, right?

Gad. There are other men out there.

I’m mystified as to why he told you. Most men like this will understand women dislike prostitution. The fact he told you means he wants to test your boundaries.

Congrats on failing his test and maintaining your self esteem. Men like this who put out disclaimers about their behaviour are rarely good partners. They lack the integrity you want.

It's sort of ok, he didn't respond in the way I wanted him to, which was to give me reassurance.

So I said I'd just like to be friends as he hadn't given me enough reason to relax and trust.

Game over.

I'm still happy to keep in contact with him and didn't want a row anyway so I'll give him a while to adjust to it being friendship, or not if he doesn't want that.

If you feel uncomfortable about it then surely you already know what to do?

You know it means he thinks women are things, deep down, rather than people, don't you op?

Sorry xpost

Why would it bother u. He had a crap marriage no sex etc. She was cheating and opposed to having an affair he did what he did.