What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

My DH is the same! The worst one I can remember is when our first grandchild was born. She was born the day before his birthday so was still in hospital for his birthday. I was so excited about going to see her again that evening and said to DH that he and I could go and have a meal afterwards for his birthday treat. He moaned and whinged and complained how he was having a crap birthday and it would be really late before we went to eat. I was so angry - I swore at him and told him to stop effing whinging. He was so shocked. He got out of the car and walked back home. I drove on to the hospital and had a lovely cuddle with DGD. My daughter was not at all surprised at what had happened. He ruins all occasions that he doesn’t completely control.

Definitely get advice about the debt too.
At the moment it might feel like you have all these things that you can’t do anything about.
You just need to break them down, and get help and support from professionals for each one. Then the fog will start to clear in your mind.
At the moment you feel trapped. But you’re not trapped.

Look up the FOG - you’re right in it at the moment
X

Why do I feel so responsible for his feelings and behaviour?

Because that's what abuse does to you.

Honestly, I know it's probably a terrifying prospect but the Freedom Programme course would help so much of this stuff to slot into place for you and help you to stop feeling like you're going mad and at fault.

Going on the course isn't committing to doing anything other than listening to the info. You don't have to talk about your life, you don't have to leave him first, you don't even have to understand why you're there at first.

I turned up to my first week petrified and confused. I was convinced it was a mistake that it had been suggested to me. I didn't think it was relevant to me because in my view I wasn't being abused, I just made him angry a lot and needed to figure out how to be less useless.

It changed my life in ways I never would have been able to imagine back then.

It's free, confidential, women only, and supportive. They won't judge you or tell you what to do. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You have finally shifted...and it is a joy to read. You have taken the first step in disengaging from him. You recognise that his abuse is working because you are low and vulnerable and not because it is all your fault.

This is the first step in breaking free. You have started to separate yourself from his behaviour. I and other Mumsnetters are with you in force today.

Thank you all. I'm feeling better. I think it will take a while for me to extract myself emotionally.

I admit that I didn't make as much as an effort for his birthday this year as I normally do. I have complex trauma due to years of him shouting and behaving like this and I've been going through a resentful period. I've been distant with him and feeling angry so my heart wasn't in it. That's why he's cross. He even said he had to book something because I couldn't be bothered.

Now I feel found out.
But I have recently made a decision to be honest and not pretend that everything is ok - I used to be a plate spinner making sure everyone was happy because I couldn't face up to the fact that things weren't ok. I've had enough of that now.

You would be better off in a bedsit with your children while the council sorts out housing then staying in the abusive relationship you are in. You can't see it clearly, but everyone else on here can: you are being abused. He has damaged you and will damage your children if you stay. You need to make a plan to get all of you out of there.

That's why he's cross - no, he's cross because he's a twat. Normal people do not behave like this.

Don’t keep taking the blame for his moods and shouting

Red flags all over this one. I'd monitor the time between these little tantrums. If they get shorter I 'd say you were on the road to Coercive and Controlling Town.

I have complex trauma due to years of him shouting and behaving like this

Imagine your daughter saying this to you in the future about her partner. Would it be her fault?

Context is everything...

Can I just say that while I only know what you have mentioned and so might have missed the full picture I have had a far far far worse childhood than what you have described about his, including sexual abuse, divorce, emotionally abusive (cold and shouty) parent, occasionally physical violence that led to se ere mh issues that have included suicide attempts and complex ptsd etc I won't go on but just so you can see examples.

I have never ever treated my partner or my s/children even a tiny bit how he treats you! Even when Iv been so ill or have had periods of chronic and multiple "triggers" that disable me to the point that really I should be in hospital.
I am responsible for my behaviour towards the people I love, it is not their fault my history has caused me to "have issues" and I have made a choice to build a life with them if I can't be a good and respectful partner s/m then I shouldn't stay.

Horrible example for your kids they (and you) must constantly be on eggshells. I'm glad you're standing up for yourself and thinking about a better future.

My daughter has just said to me it's okay if daddy wants some time on his own today we can still have a nice time together as a family, just the 3 of us 💔💔

Yes even your kids, young as they are, are trying to signpost this for you.

Listen to them and take the responsible next step.

Your dd is right. You will still be a magnificent family with 3 of you in it...
A better than you are now family ime..

OP get reading. As you plan your effort, figure out your mind space.

Patrica Evans book The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by. Philippa Perry

It'll be a good eye-opener to these sorts of behaviours!

For assertiveness:

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_uRXgEbTGJF179?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

On how to change how you speak with and respond to him:

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1847941494/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_HSXgEbDGGKQCE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Grey Rock Method
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1847941494/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_HSXgEbDGGKQCE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I'd recommend Kindle versions so he doesn't know you're reading them. Plus incognito tabs for your search history.

Good Luck!

Take them to the pub, switch off your phone and have a lovely family time. Tell them how much you love them and how wonderful they are. Stay out with them as long as you like. This is what your life can be like.

He's hideous

You need him gone OP. He brings you and your DC nothing but misery.

He sounds like he feels inadequate to you (hence the childlike tantrums to get his way) and that he is jealous of his own children's childhood.

Would it be possible to take a bit of a break from the relationship (move out with the kids for a bit of respite)....your kids are little anymore, surely it's time he got himself a job?

He a lazy abusive man OP. Get out as soon as you can x

Do what SummerWhisper says - or at the very least get out of the house with the kids for a fun afternoon out. It’s your day off, this is why you do those 14-hour working days - make it count, for you and the kids. Your controlling DH is punishing you - he wants you to have a shit time today. Don’t give him the satisfaction. x

try and look at getting an iva or some sort of consolidation re debt-one thing at a time at least you wont feel weighed down by that

is it all in your name

Yes all in my name as I am the one working. :( What a fool!
I want to avoid a bankruptcy type thing but debt reduction/consolidation sounds good.

Iva isnt the same as bankruptcy get some advice see if your eligible

In his defence he had a rough childhood with parents who damaged him emotionally. His dad was a scary shouty man who was distant and didn't engage with his kids and his mum had an affair and walked out on them a few times/lied to them etc. They both also passed away about 7 years ago and it affected him and whenever he is upset with me he makes me feel guilty and sorry for him that his parents are dead and he has no one

As you well know OP - you, & millions of other people had awful, dysfunctional childhoods too.
Funny how you have to suck yours up, but his is an excuse to behave disgracefully, & a reason to keep you subservient to his emotional vampirism, huh?