What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

Ime debt is manageable on your own. Damaged mental health whilst trying to bring up dc is not.
What sort of relationships will your dc have as adults with this example?
Ltb op and don't look back.

I hope you and the kids are still going for this nice lunch
It might actually be good for you to have a fun day without him.

Time to see a solicitor and make sure you write all the abuse down. So sorry for you and DC he’s vile

I would record it when he's being abusive. Play it back to yourself when you are calm / not in that atmosphere...then you will see how much you are being played.

I think you are right. I'm so invested. I can't bear the thought of him badmouthing me to my friends and his family dating I am cruel and not looking after him properly.

The crux of it is he says that he wouldn't do it if I didn't upset or provoke him.

Oh and he says he wasn't shouting, we were just having a disagreement. Er no you were shouting at me in public. Not screaming (which he sometimes does at home) but his voice was raised and I was getting a telling off!

Everything that Wonkybanana said!!

Thanks I feel so alone and trapped in a hideous warped reality. But this has happened many many times before.

Oh love, you know what to do, you just have to do it

Get the financial info sorted out in your head, and work out the exit plan. Your kids can’t go on like this, you can’t go on like this

Take your kids to the pub for lunch anyway, enjoy the day with them and spend as much time out as you can.

He’s an awful man, a poor husband and a dreadful father.

I've got loads of debt - £40kplus and it feels unmanageable. I use all of my salary on that and other bills.

OP please listen to the people on here, they've given you very good advice. Please don't cry anymore, he does not deserve your tears. The more you write, the more obvious it is that he is a narcissistic manipulator. Lots of people have bad childhoods. I have. A few on this thread have. But none of us turn into gaslighting narcissistic sociopaths. He won't change. He doesn't want' to change. He doesn't even say sorry to you or your children. Please, please listen to us. Please leave with your children. Please. He is hurting your children and you. Please go now. Forget the 'ducks in a row' bs, please just go. He will never change and from what you are saying, he has absolutely no intention of changing. Please just take your 2 precious DC and go. Do it for them, if not for yourself. Do it today.

He wouldn't do it if I didn't provoke him
What is he saying here, is he saying that he is a toddler who can't control his own behaviour?
His behaviour is not your fault, he has trained you to think that you are the cause of everything bad that he does
HE is the cause of his own behaviour, the buck stops with him he needs to own it.

Why do I feel so responsible for his feelings and behaviour? I can't escape. I'm so frustrated that he doesn't see that he ruined it yesterday. He ruined it. We were having a nice time until he kicked off. He won't accept this though and blames me - which is giving me the rage!!

OP I'd rather declare bankruptcy, than live with him and subject my children to him. Hugs to you, I wish I could cuddle you both and your children.

You know if you stay with this person you are passing all this shit down to your kids. You both are teaching them all about relationships.

Stop making excuses. Change the way you react to him, stop apologising and tell him if you're such a horrible person then the fucking doors over there.

I feel very sorry for your kids having to witness all of this crap.

Take your kids out for lunch anyway. They deserve a bit of downtime with the parent they don't see much. Go and have a laugh for a change. Then later on when he kicks off because you went out without him instead of doing your punishment at home, something might click in your head.

Today He has been saying - we could have had a nice time yesterday if I hadn't ruined it.... It could have been nice....yesterday was the day for celebrating. It could have been...!!

Honey yes you can escape. You can do this. Keep talking to us though.

He is behaving in an outrageous horrible selfish way, it's almost unbelievable that a grown man can behave like a toddler
I think that's partly why you're struggling to process this ...it's just such a head fuck when someone behaves completely outrageously
you just feel shocked because it doesn't make sense and so you try and rationalize it because you want things to be explainable and predictable

People always surprise you love, get out of this and you’ll soon see he’s fooled very few people

Talk to your brothers if you can, get your family up to speed so that they have the opportunity to help you.

People like your h will make up all kinds of shit to tell others, so tbh it doesn’t matter what you do, he’ll bad mouth you anyway, so you may as well do what’s right for you and the kids

Thank you. Your kindness is making me cry. Infact when anyone random or a stranger is kind to me in RL it makes me cry which shows where my head is at and how low and vulnerable I am and I'm not expecting to be treated nicely by anyone.

I have just read your previous thread OP. It's even more horrific than this one.

Please ring Women's Aid as a matter of urgency. You need a lot of help to free yourself from this appalling man.

You can escape the trap, but you'll have to start taking steps in addition to posting on here. Even if they're really small steps.

Having somewhere to vent is useful but alone it won't change things. Do you want to live this way forever? I guarantee your kids don't.

Taking steps like reviewing your finances, or talking to Women's Aid, or doing the Freedom Programme course, or working out where you would love don't commit you to immediately leaving - but they create options and build your confidence.

Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme won't demand that you leave him if you talk to them or do the course. That has to be your decision.

he keeps heaping all the blame on you to crush you and keep you in a state of anxiety and confusion he does this so that you can't get yourself together and realise that he's a useless piece of shit and kick him the hell out of your life

Please don't waste your life trying to make him see reason - there is no point.

Instead, use it enjoying your children and living your life the way you would like to.

Start today! Care less about what he thinks and more about yourself.

I've got loads of debt - £40kplus and it feels unmanageable. I use all of my salary on that and other bills.

Contact stepchange for support with managing down your debt. www.stepchange.org/

The sooner you do this you will then be able to breathe and think clearly about next steps in your marriage.

Patricia Evans explains this phenomenon in the book Verbally Abusive relationships. He's using apparently illogical argument to "one up you" and take control. The fact he did it in public is a sign the violence has gone onto another level.