What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

Candy, you are bound to be upset it's appalling to be treated like that, I would suggest just not engaging with him over who's right and who's wrong, it's as if he's worked himself into a complete frenzy and he can't calm down?

You are not responsible for his tantrums and his behaviour, you are not his mother

Also he does this thing where he will use personal things I have said, things that are worrying me when we are having calm and supportive conversations and use them against me in an argument and turn them into argument winning points.

I've often thought he might be EA but then I think perhaps he is just a horrible, cruel and selfish arsehole!!

Being a horrible, cruel, selfish arsehole IS being emotionally abusive.

Now I have to wrap his presents and write his card

Don’t bother!

Please... this isn't fair on you and it isn't fair on the kids.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I'm getting a bit of a sense that he's deliberately creating a fight... perhaps he's looking for a pretext for something?

Op you posted before christmas asking whether your husband is mentally ill or abusive

Someone who has to ask that question really should not be with that person.

Also he does this thing where he will use personal things I have said, things that are worrying me when we are having calm and supportive conversations and use them against me in an argument and turn them into argument winning points.

Oh he’s an absolute cunt. You can’t talk to this man as if he’s your friend. He’s your enemy.

I'm sorry he's making you feel so awful - he's behaving very badly.

Have you thought that perhaps his status as a SAHP could be behind some of this? Lots of his comments seem to around lack of being heard/feeling unimportant. He sounds a lot like my mother does when she talks about being a SAHP in the 1960s.

Doesn't excuse the very poor behaviour though.

I feel terrible. I feel responsible for his behaviour. He's acting so disappointed in me.

But on the flip side he doesn't give two shits about the things he has done to me. On one of my recent birthdays he went mad because he didn't think I had shown that I really like and valued something he got for me. It was a painting and because I didn't put it up straight away (I rested up against the side of the bed) he smashed it up and threw it away!

He ruined last Christmas (2018) because he bought me a Christmas card and I didn't get him one. We were in a bad place and I forgot because I had done everything else! He went made, we argued for days and he ripped up the card he gave me.

The list is endless and there is always a reason and the reason is me - I am a cruel, heartless and thoughtless person according to him.

You earn the income for the family, yet YOU can't afford to separate? Yes YOU can. You have ALL the power here, you need to take control.

So, he's a SAHD and contributes nothing by the sound of it. He is taking the piss out of you big time.

If you stay with him, you are telling your children they have no worth.

Ignore him from now on. Close off any access he has to your money. You are in control here.

It's his choice to be a SAHP. He could get a job like everyone else but nothing is ever good enough for him. He has been sacked about 3 times as well, whereas I'm compliant and conscientious so end up working otherwise we'd be messed up. We have so much debt it makes me feel sick.

I have loads of debt and I couldn't run the house/sort childcare without needing his help. Most of my salary goes on covering bills and debt.

I would love to spend more time with my kids - in a less stressful job but can't afford to yet.

The reason he won't get a job is because he can't tolerate having a boss telling him what to do
This man is an albatross around your neck, a dead weight, a ball and chain
get rid

A friend has said to me in the past that he would get custody because I am the main earner and he is the SAHP. I would have to pay him child support etc.

Absolutely stop worrying about his feelings. He is knowingly and wilfully destroying you. He does not care about you or the children. You are investing more in him than you are in the children. Stop it now. Ignore him. Prepare to kick him out.

You can employ an au pair who will be far more caring of the children and the three of you will be free of his abuse.

In that case, and considering he's been behaving terribly for over a year, I'd agree with pp and start to take control, for yours and your children's benefit.

Don't underestimate the damage living in this environment can do to your children (and yourself) - even having a happier, more relaxed mother will make a huge difference to their lives.

You can do this - I did and despite no longer being a 'conventional' family and all that entails, I would never go back.

Take control now. Go out with the kids - go for lunch, go to see a movie.

You can start to gather evidence about his abuse and he won't get custody.

What an awful situation for you. I think you should see a SHL ASAP. Even if you’re not going to leave now. Get some facts so that thoughts don’t spiral out of control.
And get yourself to women’s aid.

Knowledge is power- and that’s the first step.
Abuse thrives on secrecy, fear and shame. If you’re heads all over the place and you don’t know which way is up then he’s got all the control.

My xh used to do this, infuriating and a major reason why we're now divorced

He uses his damaged childhood as a way to get sympathy and uses it as a lever to get to me. Says things like 'you know that's a trigger for me" how could you do X when you know I had a bad childhood' etc etc xx how could you do that. You know that I've lost my mum.... terribly manipulative and awful but so very effective too.

I can't bear the thought that he thinks I've ruined his birthday

Oh god I feel like I could and should have seen this coming and prevented it

I was crying and apologising but he's gone off and he is blaming me for ruining his birthday and I believe him and feel like the worst person in the world.

OP you're not the worst person in the world and it's not your job to make everything right for him at your own and the children's expense.

Please think about what's behind the things you've said here that I've quoted. Why can't you bear the thought that you've ruined his birthday? Is it because you love him, or because he's trained you to think that he has no responsibility for his own actions and reactions, or because you're a people pleaser who wants everyone to be happy and take it on yourself to achieve that?

I'm not being snide - if you can work out your own feelings here and what's behind them, you'll be a lot further on in working out the way forward.

For whatever reason, you are trapped inside this relationship and its dynamics. You are part of them. Consequently you can't see what's happening. Posters her are on the outside looking in, and can see very clearly what you can't. Which is that you've done nothing wrong, that his tantrum wasn't caused by you, that you are not the root of everything that he thinks is wrong with his life. He may have had a difficult childhood, and it may well have caused him issues, but he is an adult and he has a choice of how to behave. He can maintain the mental image of himself as victim, or he can decide that he can put it behind him and contribute meaningfully to family life. Counselling may help him. But ultimately it's up to him.

Please try to distance yourself enough to see that he is damaging you and the children, and be prepared to take steps to protect you and them. His reaction to that is his to determine, but - as you've mentioned in passing - you can't fix him. And while ever you stay with him, and keep apologising for things that aren't your fault, you're reinforcing his behaviour, because he gets that reward. So he keeps repeating it. Withdraw the reward and leave him to it. He'll up the behaviour to try to bring you back into line, but you don't have to respond.

You cannot continue to allow yourself and the children to be damaged by him.

See a solicitor before taking any advice from here is you’re thinking of splitting. (Which wouldn’t be a bad idea as he sounds hideous).

I'd better get some washing done ;( thank you all xx ❤️❤️

He is only effective because you keep investing your emotions in him. Once you ignore him and turn all your attention to the children, who actually need you, you will see that he is just a nasty prick who is not worth bothering with.

The main problem here is your investment in him.