What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

[Costacoffeeplease]

Your poor kids get away from him asap

[Dontsayyouloveme]

NRTFT and not making excuses for his behaviour but you said you felt like he is two people.

He is two people if he has issues from his childhood. He is the hurt/angry child from his childhood and he is the adult he his now. Certain triggers, will take him right back to the hurt child who you saw on Saturday! Because he hasn’t dealt with those issues, his triggers will illicit an over exaggerated emotional response than it would in someone with a well rounded childhood.

Talking From experience. I recommend schema therapy to sort himself out before he loses his family.

[AJPTaylor]

My dad was like this. Spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. Literally never knew when he would be set off. He had a terrible childhood too.
It's affected me, people pleaser who avoids confrontation.

[magoria]

What your DC want isn't necessarily what they need and what is best for them.

You wouldn't let them have chocolate, sweets and crisps every day for breakfast, lunch and tea everyday all the time because it is what they wanted because it wouldn't be good for them.

This is a shit family for them. They are growing up the way their dad did.

Leave him before it is to late and he has fucked them up as much as he is.

[secretskillrelationships]

It may be that he's being triggered, dontsay, and I recognise a lot of what you've written myself as my childhood was incredibly emotionally abusive, but I felt shame from my outbursts and sought help - her DH thinks his behaviour is normal, or at least fails to recognise his wife and children are upset, even dismissing their feelings. Would be interested to know who suggested counselling.

[EKGEMS]

You have no idea what being with a verbally abusive parent does to a child. It's brutal. You're deluding yourself if you think separating is worse

[AtrociousCircumstance]

OP don’t lay down and let your life - and your kids life - be trampled over by this horrible man.

Fight for what is right! Fight for what is best for your kids and you!

Don’t be passive and ‘he’s having counselling so we wait and hope while he controls and mistreats us...’

Stand up and do the right thing.

[EKGEMS]

Do you see how confused and awful you feel with your husband's behavior? For god's sake you're apologizing -how do you think your two poor kids feel?!!!

[Hepsibar]

We have had so many family occasions when my DH has been involved, we have stopped having wherever poss family meals out ... the humiliation of being "that" family. The form this has taken over the years, has usually been to do with the following: awful table manners of DH, drinking to much, showing off to waiters ie often racist overtones or promising tips then not giving, children commenting on either of these and then a massive explosion of how he pays and no one appreciates it and so at length. As the children have got older, we sit in silence to avoid conversation which can trigger him at any point and also they try to avoid sitting opposite and watching him gulping and licking his knife , food on face etc.

[candymilk]

Well now I am feeling completely broken and can't stop crying.

I'll get flamed for this but the kids wanted to give him his presents and tea in bed so we (they) did. Last night I phoned the local pub and booked a table for Sunday lunch later.

Sat at the table having breakfast and I say oooh I've booked a table for lunch later and it went down like a lead balloon. He said ok well I've got plans later - turns out he is going to the cinema on his own!

He's stormed off out of the house now.

Tried to talk to him before and essentially I ruined his birthday, yesterday was caused by me being selfish and feeling guilty (I work full time) so he thinks I wanted to spend some time and money on the kids, he is bottom of the list.

When I said cant we just go out for dinner later - he said he made it very clear the yesterday was the day for celebrating and enjoying ourselves and relaxing, not today (because he had decided I will be stressed today because I have work tomorrow). And he wanted to do something a bit more special than go to the local pub hence yesterday.

He's told me that I'm concocting a narrative in my head that suits me, I've told myself that he's in the wrong when in fact all he wanted was to be listened to and put first.

I think he has sabotaged it all on purpose. He's off out now and won't be back for hours - I was crying and apologising but he's gone off and he is blaming me for ruining his birthday and I believe him and feel like the worst person in the world.

[candymilk]

I really don't know what to do with myself.

I have a really senior but stressful job which means I spend 14 hours out of the house every day and I am knackered.

I hate it but because I am the breadwinner (he is SAHD) in the family I do it but I feel trapped. I can't face another week of hardly seeing my kids and this awful atmosphere. The thought of getting on the shitty work treadmill tomorrow for another week - I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.

[candymilk]

When I think about all of the people I know, the men I know - my brothers and friends husbands, I can't imagine them doing this and if they did, my friends would be telling them to do one - so why can't I!

[frazzledasarock]

Get legal advice and start preparing to leave this man.

Yes u need to start thinking about protecting your dc from this mans abuse.

[candymilk]

Oh yes and just before he left he said he wanted to wash some of his clothes (he can do this tomorrow!) and I said oh I was going to wash the kids uniforms (they need them for the week) and he said again Oh yes forgot they come first - I got hysterical and said well yes of course they have school! And he said I was overreacting even though he said that awful thing in the first place.

Am I being played!!?

[UYScuti]

Candy, I'm so sorry you're going through this, his behaviour is completely unfair and unacceptable, I think I would stop trying to engage with him and start thinking about what's in the best long-term interest of you and the children.

[UYScuti]

He is being deliberately cruel to you I think I would want to stay away from him until he has calmed down and if he doesn't calm down stay away permanently, he's not a partner if he treats you like this, he's turning himself into an enemy.
Is there anyone in real life that you can rely on to be kind and sympathetic?

[candymilk]

Then you. I need to get past the crying but I can't at the moment.

I can't bear the thought that he thinks I've ruined his birthday. He is behaving like he is the one being abused by me - keeps saying things like stop this and repeating over and over you're right, I'm wrong, over and over whenever I dare to disagree with him. Like a weird mantra.

He believes that I've ruined it. I feel like he has the morale high ground today because I was crying and being a bit hysterical earlier and we argued and he walked out.

[Dogisout]

If he is a sahd why is he not Washing the kids uniforms??

[letmebefrank]

You are absolutely being played and emotionally abused.

Get legal advice re leaving him. He's a SAHD and will no doubt use that as leverage. You will need help here.

[candymilk]

I've lost all perspective.

He says I was forthright and blinkered about spending the kids money- I thought I was just making alternative suggestions for us to discuss as two adults- but he has twisted it all up in my head so now I don't know what is real and true.

[ThisIsSharonVanEtten]

How sure are you that he is at the cinema on his own?

[candymilk]

I did ask him if he was meeting people there but at the moment I couldn't care less if he was.

[lovemenorca]

Crap behaviour but I’m thinking he was hangry

[candymilk]

He did say he was hungry and cold yesterday. I get that. But why is he still being like it today!

Oh god I feel like I could and should have seen this coming and prevented it

[MrsFezziwig]

How sure are you that he is at the cinema on his own?
Just what I was thinking.