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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do when someone you adored gets back in touch randomly?!

280 replies

MustardScreams · 11/01/2020 22:46

Backstory: guy I’ve known for 14 years. Always had a spark, but never the right time. Cliche!

We lost touch a couple of years ago. I think he blocked me! I’m guessing he met someone and didn’t know how to tell me.

He’s messaged tonight saying he wants to go for a drink tomorrow. Now, usually I would ABSOLUTELY say “not a chance son, you’re a twat.” But he’s not. And I miss him. And I want to know what happened!!

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 13/01/2020 00:27

I said to you earlier. Be very wary of someone who says their ex is a psycho

They may well be an abuser. I wouldn’t discount it. I would just be very careful about it

You can support someone and be careful at the same time.
That’s all I said! Just be careful. Not anything else. There is no harm in that.

aroundtheworldyet · 13/01/2020 00:28

You can be his friend and close to him and help him. And still be careful for your self.

Apileofballyhoo · 13/01/2020 00:33

I wonder how the timings went. You and he were friends for 14 years and were headed for a relationship when he met this other woman? Did you know he was seeing someone new?

Original poster
MustardScreams · 13/01/2020 00:36

He didn’t say his ex was psycho.

He told me what happened and showed me what she did to him. Sometimes women can be horrific. And it’s not him trying to get sympathy and shags.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 13/01/2020 00:37

Christ op. I didn’t say he said his ex was a psycho.

JUST BE CAREFUL.

Is it that hard to be careful with your own heart?

Original poster
MustardScreams · 13/01/2020 00:39

I’m being careful!

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 13/01/2020 00:41

GOOD!!!

Honeybee85 · 13/01/2020 00:46

I recently had the same issue as an old flame reached out and started messaging me.
He knows though I am happily married, he meant a lot to me and we never really got closure.

It’s really hard to not reply but I’d be wary of this type. They’re doing it for an ego boost / get a quick shag and you’re much too good for that.
Ignore him and show him you don’t need him anymore. If you want to meet up, let him wait a week or 2, show up looking like an absolute Goddess and treat him like you’re treating your annoying auntie: you’re polite but not really warm.
If he’s complaining about being single mention that unfortunately you don’t know any single ladies that might be a match for him. If he tries to kiss you, turn him away and ask what on earth he’s doing. Show him you’re not interested AT ALL.

CalmFizz · 13/01/2020 00:54

Why did he get back in touch?

Original poster
MustardScreams · 13/01/2020 00:59

Because he came back to my county and missed me.

His dad had to bring him home.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 13/01/2020 01:27

Also be wary about how long they’ve been separated.
Not because of him per say.

But when people get out of abusive relationships they can often want to find the person they think can save them, wipe all the bad away, show them real kindness and love. Not have to really deal with what’s happened

People Really need a serious amount of time to deal and process being in abusive relationship. Jumping into another relationship will not end well. Trust me

MsPavlichenko · 13/01/2020 01:40

Yes. I would say be careful if she was a woman.

But even so. Male patterned violence is a thing. Female isn't though women can be abusers.

So think on.

PointlessUsername · 13/01/2020 01:55

How did he end up with the Ex if you & he were on your way to getting together?.

Have you made plans to see eachother again?.

Honeyroar · 13/01/2020 05:04

Good luck to you. Tread carefully and take your time. You sound like your head is screwed on anyway, so no shouting from me! Do you think there’s a romantic future or has it just friends again?

agonyauntie2020 · 13/01/2020 05:55

Op I very very very much for your sake hope this all works out, you help heal his broken self and the two of you ride off into the sunset (honestly, I'm not being facetious, I really do hope for that, I am a romantic).

I can't help remembering one of the early PP's predicted this though, and it makes me worried for you. So I am glad you are being careful! when you say it hurts you to think about him being hurt, it does really sound like you're plunging right back into your original feelings for him, and maybe, hopefully, that's all going to be well and good, but being careful with your own heart as well.....

Inappropriatefemale · 13/01/2020 05:57

Even though he was in a bad relationship then what was his reasoning for not contacting you?

category12 · 13/01/2020 06:08

So, you were good friends in regular contact and you were under the impression that it was heading somewhere. Yet without warning he blocks you, and the reason is he was in an abusive relationship you were completely unaware of? Confused

ChristmasSweet · 13/01/2020 08:50

I'm hoping/assuming he had some proof that you can't disclose. Still just be wary of him. Even if it is true, he could have major issues now, or she will forever be coming back to get back at him. Not something I'd want to deal with to be honest.

Lailaha · 13/01/2020 09:03

Men can also do the Freedom Programme online: I would send him a link and suggest he takes a look.

MoonlightMistletoe · 13/01/2020 09:13

Go for it !!

Joker123 · 13/01/2020 09:43

How sad.
Glad he’s got back in touch to reconnect with someone he trusts.

toomanyleggings · 13/01/2020 09:53

Dating isn't therapy. Send him a link to a counsellor and send him on his way. Men who talk about their psychological problems or issues on dates are just issuing a disclaimer early on for when they decide to dump you. 'I'm sorry this isn't working. I told you about my problems when we met...'.

MrsAgassi · 13/01/2020 10:22

I agree with those saying be careful.

I also know (knew) a man that claimed he was a victim of domestic violence. He did have injuries, but nothing in comparison to his (now ex) wife who had been trying to defend herself from a beating.

Obviously there are genuine cases of domestic violence against men and he may well be a victim. Just be mindful that you only know one side of the story.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 13/01/2020 11:23

Let’s not forget I’ve known this guy for 14 years, and he’s never lied to me before. He’s not a fuckboy, and he’s not violent in the slightest. He apologised for not getting in touch sooner, he wasn’t allowed to have female friends. Obviously I only have his side of the story, but I have no reason to believe he made anything up.

We’re just going to hang out and not start anything up, they only broke up a few months ago so I don’t plan on being a rebound! But in the future if something happens then we’ll go from there.

OP posts:
bobsyourauntie · 13/01/2020 11:31

I saw this happen within extended family and the man concerned couldn't see it whilst it was happening, but all friends and family could. His GF gradually cut him off from his parents and his closest friends and because he wanted to keep her happy he went along with it. Her friends became his friends and he gradually stopped contact with everyone he had known. We all witnessed this happen but were unable to say anything against her as he wouldn't listen.

In the end, a very good friend had a right go at him, and he cracked because he was starting to feel trapped. He finally realised what she was doing. He walked away from the relationship and she continued to stalk him after that, constantly calling him.

He is happy now in a relationship with a lovely girl who is happy for them to each have their own lives and friends whilst being within a relationship.

Just tread carefully, support him without getting involved with him