Boyfriend relationship with my child

[LilmissA]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10months, we get on really well & 90% of the time he gets on great with my 4 yr old son.
As any 4yr old he can be moody & cheeky at times & is typical good. My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too. He thinks my son dislikes him, which I know he doesn’t.
We were all away for 2 nights with my friends & their child. My boyfriend had a bad experience planted on the time away before we even left. We’d a great few days in my eyes, and my son loved it! Now he did have a moody session when we were going for dinner, not wanting to go, not wanting to sit where we were placed etc. Then came round once he ate, so prob just hangry!!! Now (and in the middle of my sons moodiness when we were away) my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again. Which hurts me as my son is part of me.
I do get that he has a right not to want to spend time all together. He’s in a relationship with me not my son. But i would love us to do stuff as a family.
My boyfriend says that this was the way he was in other relationships too with ex girlfriends with kids.
He thinks I need to be stricter with my son. I think he needs to not get so annoyed when my son is in a bad mood & not take it personally!
Help please.

Also op, please be aware that alienating a child from a parent (forcing you to be stricter and excluding him from holidays will alienate your son) is what predators do in order to groom and abuse children.

It gives them opening they need to start over-empathizing with the child, and gaining their trust against you. Prime "it's our secret" "she doesn't understand you, but I do" territory.

OP, who's idea was it for him to start staying over so much?

@LilmissA i really do love my boyfriend and the time we spend together.

More than you love your son? Your son is 4, your boyfriend is already making you choose, and you are already choosing him. A man who loved you would accept your child.

He thinks my son dislikes him He probably does. Did you know that kids of this age can be really good judges of character?

@Whynosnowyet You almost sound grateful he has taken you on op

She probably is, her ex was abusive so probably told her she was worthless, and thinks that this bf is a saint because he "loves" her. Abuse messes with your head. What she doesn't see is that this new bf is also abusive. It's just different.

He is targeting single mums whom he perceives as desperate for attention at any cost.

Not impossible but I don't really go with this theory - it's simply that past a certain age, you meet few single people without kids (esp in certain areas) ... So he's "giving into" getting involved with women with kids, but, when push C mes to shive, doesn't actually want to be on a relationship with a woman with kids.
He doesn't have the temperament, maturity, tolerance etc. for it.

I see men, on a make dominated web forum, complaining all the time about the difficulty, past mid twenties (and sometimes even younger) of meeting a woman who doesn't have kids.

*male dominated

my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again

Still happy to come around 5 nights a week for food, company, sex etc. though (?)

He sounds like he doesn't have realistic expectations of children. He doesn't sound compatible with a woman who had a child (he's possibly not great partner material for a woman without a child either, bit that's another story).

5 nights a week is a lot for a man who was only introduced to your child 4 months ago - and who.youve been seeing less than a year (?) It must feel like a bit of an invasion of his space to your child.

I give you credit, OP, for seemingly taking on board a lot of what people have said and being open to having your eyes opened a bit to who this man is. I know, in reality there are shades of grey and feelings involved. However....

I was with a man I had similar concerns about, the cognitive dissonance was palpable between what my heart wanted and what my head was screaming (as yours is, hence you posting this thread). We were on/off for a while due to his behaviours and eventually, I was so hurt I contacted his ex.
Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.

She (and the others, it turns out) were far from how he described them, she is a lovely, reasonable, warm, generous person who ended being treated horribly by this man and her child even worse. It was the epiphany I needed. Not just how he'd treated me- but that he had a long illustrious history of being a nasty, controlling, manipulative piece of work. (Not just with her).

Most charming, handsome, charismatic man you'd ever wish to meet. By the way.

OP please please don't go back to putting your head in the sand!

I am not criticising or blaming you, but what everyone is saying is 100% right.

He not only has unrealistic expectations of children but he is also, very early on, trying to control you and punish you for your parenting 'fails' which WILL make you parent differently and WILL affect adversely affect your beautiful, innocent son.

Cut this dickhead loose and you and your son's lives will be freer and happier x

Dump him. He's jealous of your 4 y/o FFS!

He's effectively moved in and pays very little - contributes to bills when you need it? I suspect that translates as you have to ask him for money. If that's the case then it's a tidy arrangement from his perspective; he gets to live at yours for free, sex on tap and having you running round after him massaging his ego because he sulks when he doesn't get his own way. Does this really sound like a prince amongst men?

I agree with a lot of the other comments on here - your boyfriend sounds like he's behaving in a childish way. Personally, I could not be with someone who says that they would never go away with me and my child again and is already (it's still quite early on) questioning the way that I parent my child. Imagine what he would be like once he really did get his feet under the table!! For me, my children are part of me so anyone who wanted to be with me would have to be 100% on board with wanting to be around my child (even when they are having days where they are being monkeys). I would be backing right off!! Xx

Well done OP for reading and hearing.

The sheer cheek of stating he'll never go on holiday with you and your son again................but will conveniently avail himself of all the home comforts you provide!!

AKA....a complete user.

Protect yourself OP.
Protect your son.

Well done OP. You are clearly hearing the wise words of women who have been in the same situation before you. Your little one deserves all the love in the world and you can give it to him. Fuck that sorry geezer.

And in response to him saying he'll never go on holiday with you and your son, I'd say that it's irrelevant because he wouldn't be invited anyway.

Despite your words, I don't think you intend ending your relationship with this man. Please don't have a baby with him.

Well done for taking this on board OP.

I know it must be hard to read some of the comments here. But posters are concerned about you as well as your DS. You seem to want a future with this man and he’s been very upfront that there’s none. He’s just using you.

Tell him to fuck right off!

He doesn't like or want your son, but he lives with him. He wouldn't want to go on a holiday with him, a week or two in a year say, but spends already 5 nights a week with him. Your son is over exposed to an adult who doesn't care, who doesn't care for him. That's not ok. You can withdraw from this. As pp said, doesn't matter that he wouldn't want to go away with you both, he shouldn't be invited. Safeguarding OP, keep your little boy safe from a mean, adult man.

Oh dear I think the OP has vanished, I hope she made the right choice.