Boyfriend relationship with my child

[LilmissA]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10months, we get on really well & 90% of the time he gets on great with my 4 yr old son.
As any 4yr old he can be moody & cheeky at times & is typical good. My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too. He thinks my son dislikes him, which I know he doesn’t.
We were all away for 2 nights with my friends & their child. My boyfriend had a bad experience planted on the time away before we even left. We’d a great few days in my eyes, and my son loved it! Now he did have a moody session when we were going for dinner, not wanting to go, not wanting to sit where we were placed etc. Then came round once he ate, so prob just hangry!!! Now (and in the middle of my sons moodiness when we were away) my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again. Which hurts me as my son is part of me.
I do get that he has a right not to want to spend time all together. He’s in a relationship with me not my son. But i would love us to do stuff as a family.
My boyfriend says that this was the way he was in other relationships too with ex girlfriends with kids.
He thinks I need to be stricter with my son. I think he needs to not get so annoyed when my son is in a bad mood & not take it personally!
Help please.

OP this relationship has no future. You'll never be able to have a baby with this man because your bairn will never be accepted by him. It'll be a total miserable situation for your existing kid and you.

Stop the sleepovers. Enjoy the sex if you must and see him when you're kid isn't about. But ultimately, it's not going to work out.

Have you considered the fact if your son's father finds out your BF's behavior and attitude to him he can apply for custody on grounds of emotional abuse?,

But again says that’s how he is

When someone tells you who they are, listen

Your poor son. Are you constantly monitoring your son's moods to avoid setting your boyfriend off?

Five nights a week is living together. Let me guess, you do the housework, he contributes no money and no effort?

You are being taken advantage of.

So you introduced this man into your son's life just 4 months ago, he's practically moved into your son's home and thinks he should have a say in how he's parented and on top of that he appears to be jealous of a 4 year old child? Oh and he has a habit of dating single parents to boot. I wonder how many kids he's played step dad to already. Alarm bells and red flags all over the place. Sorry OP but as a fellow single parent I just do not understand women who do this. Put your child first and keep men your child doesn't know out of your home.

There is no bad attitude or behaviour from my boyfriend to my child, let alone emotional abuse
My boyfriend has said after his last relationship ended he didn’t want a relationship with kids involved, for numerous reasons, one being how bad he felt for the kid from the previous relationship missing him etc.

It might seem like I’m sticking up for him but he’s not the total monster made out. The moodiness has happened 2/3 times. Announcing he didn’t want to go on a holiday with us a few hours ago.
I get there issues here but my son is safe.

Does he pay his way?

He doesn’t pay rent but buys food & contributes to bills when I need it

I get there issues here but my son is safe

He's very obviously not safe from emotional harm.

You should consider doing the freedom course that someone linked upthread.

Do you have other things in your life that make you feel fulfilled/happy? Hobbies, interest groups, attend college etc?

He isn't unreasonable to struggle living with a child but he should have learned from his last relationship and not gone out with any more single parents.

The "if he was mine, I'd do things differently' is chilling. Under no circumstances have a child with his man or move in with him. He's clearly suited to relationships where there are no children (and will never be any children)

How can you feel any attraction for a man who acts more immaturely than your young child by being in a huff ? Stay with this man and your son will end up treating you like this to get his way when he's a teenager.

He’s got himself well set up really hasn’t he. Lives rent free.

You are not putting your child first. I don’t expect you will. Shame.

How has the relationship moved so quickly that he is staying 5 nights a week? That is very rushed.

I am sure you are protecting your son but what other posters see is how this will develop in a few years so that is why they are alarmed. By that stage you are stuck, with perhaps another child and reluctant to leave yet another relationship.

He is telling you very clearly that he will not be a good step dad so there is no future.

He has said he does not want a relationship with kids involved. You have a child. How do you expect things to end up?

Does he buy all the food and other shopping needed?

If your son had a friend who would go moody and grumpy wouldn't you tell him to give this friend a wide berth?

Your bf is not a family man.

So you hang out with the boyfriend five nights a week? That's a bit much on top of everything else.

Thankfully your son isn’t his so tell him to do one

Op I think you know something is amiss which is why you've posted. I'm guessing you're not ready to consider the possibility that the best thing to do would be to walk away. I'd probably distance your son from this man if your going to continue. Kids pick up on things. Mum putting relationships before them is going to follow them into adulthood.

It's actually chilling how he says he'd do things differently if your child was his. And how he wants you to be 'stricter' with a 4 year old.

Please, for the sake of your child, don't carry on with this. It doesn't matter if he's 'good with him' for 90 per cent of the time, or if he is a 'great person' and 'not a monster'. He only has to be horrible a tiny percentage of time to affect your growing child.

Up to age 7 is when they are deciding who they are. Children are sensitive and perceptive, and they picik up when people don't like them - your boyfriend's 'he doesn't like me' is pure projection - in reality he doesn't like your son.

Children perceive that as meaning they are unlikeable - rather than understanding that mum simply has a toxic boyfriend.

If you choose to stay with this man, you are teaching your child he is unlikeable. I know that isn't what you want.

You may not be picking up on your partner's disapproval of your son, but he def will be. There's more to safety than physical safety. this man is not emotionally safe.

But again says that’s how he is & if my son was his he would do things differently.

So it's not how he is because if it was he wouldn't do things differently if the child was his.

He's a walking contradiction.

Are you not allowed to have a life once you have a child? No wonder women would rather stay with a shit man just because they have kids as we single mothers are not allowed to move on once we separate from our children's fathers.

Well OP fwiw I think you should on board what the posters above have said but don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped into oh you are allowing your son to be emotionally abused and all the rest . None of us are in your relationship but you so by all means take the advice and decide what's best for you and your little boy . None of us can want the best for him more than you .

All the best

OP, my DS was 4 when he met my partner. We had been seeing each other for over a year at that point. Basically I'd been very slowly evaluating this man, giving him many chances to get frustrated with me, with not being put first, etc before I'd introduce him to a child of that age. 4 is a baby. So vulnerable. I wasn't letting a strange man near my boy until I had seen a lot of proof of good character.

If my partner had ever said a word about not wanting to be around a child again, about his ex begging him back, etc he'd have been so quickly out the door. Those are massive red flags, you want a man with respect, patience, compassion, understanding and the maturity to expect he will not be put first when he has stepchildren... you want a man who has a "servant heart", as it were. Again, you are talking about such a very young child here. You can't risk selfishness, a judgemental nature, or a man who decides that a child needs a harsh hand... that is poison and can so quickly escalate into violence.... it's very sad but it's true.

After my partner met my 4 yo, he'd stay over maybe once a week while DC was at mine. That lasted a year. Perhaps by end of year it was twice a week. During this time we started having short holidays. Again I was very watchful. I wasn't trying to "be a family", on the contrary I was auditioning this man for a future role in MY family unit. So.many men think that it's their presence, as The Man, that makes "a family". That they will discipline, set the rules, and be the one who calls the shots... I needed to be very sure that my partner understood that that wasnot how it was going to go. Ever.

We did move in together, after my DC knew my partner for 2 years. And it has gone well. But it was so slow op. It had to be.

I'm reading your story and I'm worried for you and you DS. 5 nights a week with someone who takes his very normal emotions as a personal insult... I'm sorry, that's not ok. This is meant to be the honeymoon period, this is as peaceful and easy as it gets... your bf is already trying to call the shots, be moody, tell you you're parenting wrong....

This isnt good for you or your boy. It's not meant to feel this way xx

If he is never going to go on holiday because of your son that tells you all you need to know.
Despite his bragging he doesn't know the first thing about children. He is jealous of your son needing your time.
He is spelling it out for you that your son doesn't behave 100% of the time he expects him too so he doesn't want to put up with that. He is acting like a spoilt child.
Tell him your son comes first and he obviously cannot cope with normal childhood behaviour and you cannot deal with him acting like a jealous toddler.
Why the hell is he staying 5 nights a week? When does your son get time with his mum without this idiot there? He didn't sign up to go from one family straight into another just yo.be criticised for being a normal 4yr old. Your partner doesn't want a family he wants things on his terms and your son doesn't fit in with them. He will nip away at your confidence as a mother to know your child and your child will soon pick.up on the fact he can never please this asshole.

Get rid for both your sakes. You dont need a 'family' (btw you arent a family as he resents your child) as much as your child needs you to protect him from idiots like this.

Put your son first before your idealistic desperation for a "family".

Why's he's staying over 5 nights a week in the home of a kid he doesn't want to spend 2 nights away with?

Because he's selfish and reckons he can make you change the things he doesn't like.

Your poor son. Stop making excuses op. There shouldn't be a shred not a teeny tiny shred of animosity shown towards your ds not how tiresome it may be for him. Seriously you need to put your child first here and that means dumping this man.