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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend relationship with my child

169 replies

LilmissA · 11/01/2020 15:25

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10months, we get on really well & 90% of the time he gets on great with my 4 yr old son.
As any 4yr old he can be moody & cheeky at times & is typical good. My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too. He thinks my son dislikes him, which I know he doesn’t.
We were all away for 2 nights with my friends & their child. My boyfriend had a bad experience planted on the time away before we even left. We’d a great few days in my eyes, and my son loved it! Now he did have a moody session when we were going for dinner, not wanting to go, not wanting to sit where we were placed etc. Then came round once he ate, so prob just hangry!!! Now (and in the middle of my sons moodiness when we were away) my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again. Which hurts me as my son is part of me.
I do get that he has a right not to want to spend time all together. He’s in a relationship with me not my son. But i would love us to do stuff as a family.
My boyfriend says that this was the way he was in other relationships too with ex girlfriends with kids.
He thinks I need to be stricter with my son. I think he needs to not get so annoyed when my son is in a bad mood & not take it personally!
Help please.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilmissA · 11/01/2020 15:51

Really hitting me reading the messages.

My son always comes first, when he’s in his mood etc he always gets my attention & his needs are always provided for. My boyfriend is also very good to my son, he’s dealt extremely well with supporting me with an asshole ex. I’m really not painting a good pic of my boyfriend but obvs a lot of you are speaking from experience, and things could get worse.

OP posts:
Techway · 11/01/2020 15:52

He is telling you loud and clear that he will not be a "family" so you have no future.

You are trying to minimise the impact of this..4 years are way better than 14 year olds, can you imagine how your bf will react then.

Btw, an man who is angry at a 4 year old WILL get angry with you.

Original poster
LilmissA · 11/01/2020 15:55

Def opening my eyes everyone thanks

OP posts:
Dogno1 · 11/01/2020 15:55

'This is the way he was with ex girlfriends with children'... Is that why they binned him off then?

PumpkinCounty · 11/01/2020 15:58

My boyfriend is also very good to my son

Well, that's a lie isn't it? You wouldn't have this thread, would you?

Honestly situations like this have been seen time and time again on this board. Have a read of them, you all say the same things, use the same excuses, say he's good with the dc when he clearly isn't..

Original poster
LilmissA · 11/01/2020 15:59

I’m not sure if the child was directly involved in the breakup with his ex but I do know he had said that he wouldn’t want another relationship with someone with a kid but now has it.

OP posts:
Donkeysdragonbaby · 11/01/2020 15:59

If he won't go away on holiday with your son again where does that leave the relationship in the future? You carry on seeing him and don't ever go on holiday together? You go away with your son or will you stop holidays because your boyfriend won't go? Or does he want holidays with you but want you to leave your son behind? How do you carry on from here, he obviously doesn't want to make any form of family unit with your son involved so what do you hope for by continuing the relationship? Please don't put a man before your child Sad

PumpkinCounty · 11/01/2020 16:01

Why does he keep getting with women who have children if he doesn't like children so much?

Op, single mothers are targeted by some men. You're seen as desperate, easy to manipulate etc.
Sounds like this guy may be one of those weirdos.

Donkeysdragonbaby · 11/01/2020 16:04

And what does he mean by saying if he were his son he'd 'do things different'? What would he do different? 4yo is playing up, what would he do?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2020 16:05

Why does he keep getting with women who have children if he doesn't like children so much?

He wants to see how far he can get in controlling his girlfriend and the dynamic of the relationship. In other words, a proper arsehole.

Whynosnowyet · 11/01/2020 16:05

You almost sound grateful he has taken you on op....
My new totally non moody, non huffy dh says he felt privileged we had welcomed him into ours lives. Not us being grateful he puts up with us. Which sounds like your scenario sadly.

Dogno1 · 11/01/2020 16:08

Sounds like he's engineering control tbh. States he won't have a relationship with another woman with a child (but has because you're so special). He's pulling the strings by laying down his terms for the relationship (manuvering your child to one side). He sees himself as the VIP in the 'relationship', and you should clearly feel sooo grateful to be with such a nice guy like him whose prepared to accept you have a child (so long as your DS is firmly at the very back of the the picture).

Original poster
LilmissA · 11/01/2020 16:11

Wow the truth hurts.. this is sinking in, your words aren’t wasted

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 11/01/2020 16:11

Putting it to one side that hes fine 90% of the time with your child, it is very odd that he goes moody aswell, it shows lack on maturity and the fact he said he will never go away with the pair of you again is pathetic and childish so basicaly no holidays or nights away? What happens when your child goes moody and naughty when your on a day trip,no day trips? He doesn't like children OP.

anothernamejeeves · 11/01/2020 16:11

Your son deserves better. Get this idiot who resents him out of your lives.
You should listen to my husbands experience of his stepdad. When he started seeing his mum my husband as a child was awful to him. He couldn't have made it clearer he didn't want him around and was unhappy with his being with his mum. But like a grown up and good bloke he stood back, was patient and didn't react to a child being a child. As time went on they were inseparable and my husband was heartbroken when he passed a few years ago

SayitBeit · 11/01/2020 16:15

My boyfriend is also very good to my son

But.....

My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too

He thinks I need to be stricter with my son

If my son was his he would do things differently

Do your son a favour and let him spend the rest of his childhood being happy with you.

You can't turn back the clock.

MonstranceClock · 11/01/2020 16:17

Get some self respect ffs.

partyattheback · 11/01/2020 16:20

At best and being very optimistic, he doesn't understand children because he's expecting far too much from your child. That's the generous explanation.

Actually I think this is your warning sign and he's not someone who I'd want around my child.
Whether he likes it or not, if you're in a relationship with someone with a child they're in your life too and he deserves someone who is going to care about him and want to spend time with him.

leolion81 · 11/01/2020 16:21

I started seeing someone when my son was 4 who also couldn't stand a child being a child and would make me feel guilty for not being spontaneous, the interruptions, the noise etc.
I spent the next 6 years in an abusive relationship and as a result my son ended up under cahms. He was treated like a nuisance but I honestly thought I was protecting him from it, thought that because he was nice to him at times and would spend money on him it was ok. I thought he did like him really, my son wasn't picking up on the horrible vibes. It wasn't ok.
I feel horrifically guilty for those 6 years. I've stayed single in the 5 years since it ended and focused on my son.
I'm not saying your relationship is abusive, but not being able to tolerate a child and making comments such as he won't go away with you both again, he's telling you he doesn't like your son being around. Listen. Don't be like me, be better.

Tableclothing · 11/01/2020 16:22

he’s dealt extremely well with supporting me with an asshole ex

It's easy to be nice about an ex you describe as an asshole because the asshole is no threat to your relationship. Your son, on the other hand, should always be a higher priority to you than he is, and he can't cope with that (unless he can force/bully/manipulate you into putting him over your son).

he had said that he wouldn’t want another relationship with someone with a kid

Yeah, he can't cope with a step-father role. He knows it. Your relationship is doomed. Cut your losses.

MrHaroldFry · 11/01/2020 16:22

Walk away. He does not deserve you and certainly does not deserve your lovely four year old only when it suits him.
Your loyalty is to your own flesh and blood. No one will advocate for your son like you and he is very young and impressionable. He needs to know, in words and deeds, that you will always be his soft place to fall. No questions asked.

saffronshawty · 11/01/2020 16:22

When he said . "It be different if your son was his bla bla" that should have been your que to be like "well maybe you shouldn't dare women with kids, bye"

Ratbagcatbag · 11/01/2020 16:23

I think you were so desperate to have a nuclear family after an arsehole ex you've rushed this one.
I'm dating a guy. I have been for 9 months. My daughter doesn't even know he exists. She's not met him yet and to be honest I'm more than happy with that. I go on holidays with my DD and have some weekends away with BF.

Please please stop letting him dictate like this about your son. You are absolutely excusing his behaviour, and your DS will pick up on it.
Do you live together yet? Does your DS get any time with you without your BF there?

I really think you should kick him to the kerb. If anyone treated my cat that way they'd be gone. Let alone my child.

Northernsoullover · 11/01/2020 16:27

I had a boyfriend like this. He was horrible to my children. . I dumped him. I didn't care if I never dated again. The warning signs were all about my lack of parenting skills. I should have got rid sooner. He was horrible to me too. I could cope with that. But not my children.
I have much better self esteem these days. You need to bin this prick.

starry7 · 11/01/2020 16:28

I'm sorry, but your son comes first here. If this man is in a 'relationship with you but not your son' then all you're doing is creating division. Your son will feel that you prefer your boyfriend to him. Your son is already having to deal with the trauma of his parents splitting up (it's quite possible this is the source of his moodiness and cheek). Please have an open dialogue with your son about how he feels re mummy and daddy not living together anymore; listen to him and don't take anything negative personally.

If you're going to bring a new man into your son's life at this critical stage then there better be rainbows coming out his arse. Unfortunately this guy is still a child himself. You've gotta ditch him, I'm afraid.