Boyfriend relationship with my child

[LilmissA]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10months, we get on really well & 90% of the time he gets on great with my 4 yr old son.
As any 4yr old he can be moody & cheeky at times & is typical good. My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too. He thinks my son dislikes him, which I know he doesn’t.
We were all away for 2 nights with my friends & their child. My boyfriend had a bad experience planted on the time away before we even left. We’d a great few days in my eyes, and my son loved it! Now he did have a moody session when we were going for dinner, not wanting to go, not wanting to sit where we were placed etc. Then came round once he ate, so prob just hangry!!! Now (and in the middle of my sons moodiness when we were away) my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again. Which hurts me as my son is part of me.
I do get that he has a right not to want to spend time all together. He’s in a relationship with me not my son. But i would love us to do stuff as a family.
My boyfriend says that this was the way he was in other relationships too with ex girlfriends with kids.
He thinks I need to be stricter with my son. I think he needs to not get so annoyed when my son is in a bad mood & not take it personally!
Help please.

Ok so perhaps your child isn't very well behaved- there is that. But that's for you to work on. IF that is the case, then he should be trying to help you, not saying he won't come on any holidays again!

Or perhaps your boyfriend is an immature child himself.

You say he's not in a relationship with your son, but he is. Not the same kind of relationship, but a relationship none the less.

Put your son first op. He is going to need you much more.

OP I have been a single parent since the day my DC was born. I have never been on a date in the whole 7 years since DP left.

Alongside working Mon-Fri, managing school drop off/pick up and shopping, housework, and spending all weekend with DC, I would not have time to spend with another adult, let alone the headspace.

I am constantly shattered, and I am so glad I have stayed single.

No regrets at all.

Its not for everyone but its made me happier.

We don’t live together but he does stay over in my house a good bit.. around 5 nights a week.
We dated 6 months before he met my son.
I do get time with just my son & I, my son also spends 1 or 2 nights with his dad each week.

He has only known your son for 16 weeks and sleeps in your sons house.

I think you need to put an end to that as soon as possible.

Wow, so he gets free lodging and sex 5 nights a week, probably you're cooking and skivvying for him as well. He's running up your bills, cocklodging and doesn't like your son into the bargain.

Honestly, you need to work on your standards.

Know the feeling sayitbeit working full time & the drop offs, managing childcare with looking after my son leaves me exhausted & clearly not thinking straight

I wasted 2 years of my life and my children's lives with a total cocklodger loser, who was grumpy, difficult, a total disciplinarian. The kids had to be quiet. No fun was allowed. He drained us emotionally and financially, then he left me one morning stating that he hated my kids, especially my autistic child who was 5 at the time, and he ran off to live with our mutual friend that very day (with even brattier kids than mine!). It ended up being the best day of my life!! It was like the storm clouds had gone.

My boyfriend is also very good to my son, he’s dealt extremely well with supporting me with an asshole ex

Ah. I did wonder how unpleasant your ex was, because you sounded a lot like someone who's come out of a terrible/toxic/abusive relationship and then met a new man that - compared to the ex - seems like the best human being to ever walk the face of the earth, and who is then so relieved at the difference from the ex that they miss all the warning signs that the new man is trouble just in a different way to the ex.

I would seriously consider doing the Freedom Programme course before you get involved with anyone else. You need to build yourself a robust internal model of what a healthy relationship looks like that is not based on comparing people to your nasty ex.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It doesn't matter if your last relationship was abusive or simply bad. The course will teach you the dynamics behind abuse (not just a ticklist of abusive behaviours) and what healthy relationships with decent but imperfect people look like.

How many other relationships has he had with women with children. You don't think he might be targeting women with children because he reckons they are so desperate for a bit of his magic love that they will put up with his childish, selfish, immaturity?

Because it seems to be a well established consensus among entitled lazy men that single women with children are gagging for it, have no self respect , have low self esteem and will take any abuse you care to throw at them and still come back for more.

Joking a bit, but I have a feeling it is close to the truth.

Also, is this love you're feeling or the warm comforting feeling of someone coming along to rescue you?

My last relationship did not end well... cancelling a wedding was not what I needed on top of a breakup.

He only had one ex before me with a kid. Who apparently would take him back or tried / begged for him to get back. That ended bout 9/10months before we met.

He should be staying one night a week, if at all. 5 nights is really invading your personal space. Don't know if it affects your single person council tax discount.

I don’t get any tax benefits only the child benefit/maintenance

He told you his ex begged for him back? Eww. He sounds arrogant.

I guarantee that if you continue in this relationship your son will suffer. I 100% guarantee it. But carry on OP....

Why are you still with him. Madness.

I don't think that you are both on the same page with regards to the future of this relationship. If your DP isn't going to consider taking part in family holidays then he has no place in your family.

If he isn't happy in how you parent your child and "if he were mine then I would...." He isn't your child's parent, you are.

Obviously previous posters aren't in your situation, but will have had similar experiences; take their advice and reevaluate your relationship. It's interesting that no one has said give DP time to adjust - this is because he doesn't need it, his actions and comments are clear. He is not the right person to join your family.

4 is just a baby really. Even when they are naughty at that age they are cute! How would he cope with a 14 year old?
I don't live with my dp of years standing purely because it's tricky dealing with kids that are sometimes not perfect and are, at the end of the day, not your own.

He loves the dc, and we do lots together, but I'm the parent and always will be.
A man coming into your life has to understand that 1) the kids wellbeing comes first and 2) YOU are the parent in charge.
Be single for a while. Have loads of fun with your little one, just the two of you, or with friends and family. They grow up so fast, honestly they do. Make the most of being able to grow a really close bond because when they get to 11 or 12 trust me you will need it!

5 nights a week is practically living together.

Thanks the relationship is well & truly being re-evaluated now. He is out working tonight & my son is with his dad so me time is definitely needed.

What WILL happen if you stay with this man. You will get pregnant sooner rather than later. Your young son will then be the fallguy for everything and anything that goes wrong in the relationship while also having to deal with a "father figure" that doesn't like him very much.

Sound good?

If he’s staying 5 nights a week he’s living with you really to be honest...!

You need to dump and run. He should be on his best behaviour now, it’s the start of the relationship- he should be making you think he’s going to be an amazing step parent etc. If he’s like this now he’s only going to get worse.

I got together with someone when my dd was 18 months old and very early on he was quite grumpy in many ways, I should have paid attention and left him then - we ended up together until she was 4 when he left me for an ex and said he felt like he was living with a nice family but it wasn’t “his” family.
I’m now happily remarried- been with dh 11 years now (dd is now 17). From the get go he has always been amazing with her .

So, you have a guy living with you who doesn't want to be in a relationship with a woman with children!.

Which part of this do you not understand OP?

Your poor child.

This man is a spoilt, selfish prat, who wants to be the sole focus of your attention.

You need to give your head a shake OP.

Your poor child.

I dont think you have time to think straight OP. Take some time out for you and your DS

What’s his financial input into your weekly bills?