Boyfriend relationship with my child

[LilmissA]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10months, we get on really well & 90% of the time he gets on great with my 4 yr old son.
As any 4yr old he can be moody & cheeky at times & is typical good. My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too. He thinks my son dislikes him, which I know he doesn’t.
We were all away for 2 nights with my friends & their child. My boyfriend had a bad experience planted on the time away before we even left. We’d a great few days in my eyes, and my son loved it! Now he did have a moody session when we were going for dinner, not wanting to go, not wanting to sit where we were placed etc. Then came round once he ate, so prob just hangry!!! Now (and in the middle of my sons moodiness when we were away) my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again. Which hurts me as my son is part of me.
I do get that he has a right not to want to spend time all together. He’s in a relationship with me not my son. But i would love us to do stuff as a family.
My boyfriend says that this was the way he was in other relationships too with ex girlfriends with kids.
He thinks I need to be stricter with my son. I think he needs to not get so annoyed when my son is in a bad mood & not take it personally!
Help please.

*I am so sick of seeing posts like this, where a mother drags her shite choices in dude into her kids lives and homes, especially when she barely knows him.

And invariably get pregnant and just have to have the baby, thus the arsehole is in the poor kid's life for good.

You have on intention of binning this twat. Your son is not safe with him in your life because he doesn't like your son.

Poor little lad. What was his behaviour like before your bf moved in? I'd be it will improve again when he moves out. 5 nights a week is as good as moved in before
you argue it isn't. 4 isn't usually a moody and grumpy age so I'd be asking yourself why your little boy is behaving like this.

Disgusting. Your son should come first.

Sounds like your boyfriend wants some one on one attention, is there a nice soft play nearby you could take him too? Dont bring your 4 year old incase he is grumpy it wouldnt be fair, this is boyfriends special day.

Why don't you take an hour to turn your phone and any distractions off and take a look into the future.
Do you want a close relationship with your child ?
Do you want him to feel loved and wanted ?
Do you want to put his happiness before anyone else's ?
Because by allowing this idiot of a man that you're dating to continue expressing his 'moodiness' and obvious dislike of your family unit, then you're setting yourself up for a life of treading on eggshells and dampening down your sons behaviour. The next step will be that he starts to discipline him himself as he thinks you're not and from there on in you'll feel too invested int he relationship to end it and you'll be in too deep to realise how far down the ladder you've placed your son.
Yes you may love this man, but I'd hope you love your son a damn site more.
You need to make your choices based on him not your (arsehole) boyfriend - choose wisely

op im being blunt because these threads really hack me off

• get some self respect

• put your child first, he is NOT good with your child
• he does not see you as his family - hes TELLING you this, so LISTEN
• dump him

you are not putting your child first, you are seeing what you want to see. Red flags galore

Bloody hell.

You say you’re loveblind. You’re lovedeaf as well.

He’s telling you loud and clear who is and YOU’RE NOT LISTENING.

You’ve lost all of your senses. I’m guessing your ex absolutely screwed your self esteem and boundaries.

Put your little boy first, and DUMP the big baby.

*who HE is.

Oops

He’s an arsehole. I would never tolerate this in a partner.

This guy might not be a monster but he is also not right for you or your boy, chalk this one down as experience and bin him off, he is already showing his true colours now, what's to say there isn't more to come down the line. He may be a good guy and nice to your son but what he has already said to you shows me this isn't going to work. I'm not saying introducing a new guy is easy, and there is bound to be problems along the way, but not these problems OP, you and your son are a package, if he told you he didn't want to go on holiday with you (if you was single with no kids) how would you react to that?

If a partner behaves differently with a child because it's not his biological child then you walk away...now.

I'm a blended family and DP is vocal about the fact that he sees the DC as his responsibility as well as mine. Yes of course children can be frustrating that's part of being children, they are supposed to be like that from time to time. If you cant handle dont be a step parent.

I have to say 10months in is quite quick to have that level of contact but in fairness it was 18months before I let dp even meet my DC(and I had known him 3 years) so i may be projecting.

However op you ar wrong, if you have DC the partner is never "just " in a relationship with you , that's rubbish. If you are at the point of spending time all of you together then the relationship is with the dc as well...that's it , no argument no debate. If he cant develop an appropriate relationship with dc he is not worth it.

I've mad huge mistakes with my dc and I doubt my abilities as a mother all the time but the one thing I will not compromise on is that if you are with me (although granted it was only exdh the childrens father and DP so only 2) then you accept it's with all three of us. They come first ...always.

Walk op , I suspect you wont but I promise you will regret it when your DC hold you to account one day.

I would suggest you ask him to leave.

He may play happily with your so be but the language he is using when talking about the situation says a very different story.

He sulks when your 4 year old does
He doesn't want to go away on holiday with your son
He would treat him differently if he was biologically his - so if you did stay together and live happily every after a second child would be treated very differently to your son.
He didn't want a relationship with anyone with a child

I would never let a man like that be near my son, imagine what your son hears or feels from him.

And his ex is begging for him back, don't people normally do that to try and make their new partner insecure or aware of the competition, i doubt it's true and it would worry me he would say such things.

Be kind to yourself and your child, ask him to leave.

He may play happily with your son but the language he is using when talking about the situation says a very different story.

Relationships can come and go. Your children will always be there.
Never ever feel remotely tempted to put a man/woman before your children. You choose to go into relationships your children don't. They usually end up being put through the crapper though when these relationships break down.

This guy is saying so much which is very worrying, and there's red flags galore. Don't justify his behaviour.. Put your son first!

Yeah so I was in a real bad relationship previously & hurt bad by my sons father. It might come across that I’m not taking all this on board but I haven’t seen all the red flags everyone else sees so clearly here. So it’s hit me hard the last few hours taking it all in & it really hurts. I’ve always put my son first & would never put him in any danger, I’m new to dating as a single mum, this is my first relationship trying to find my feet is hard.
This thread has opened my eyes to many issues/ red flags. I am not going to put up with what I have been.

Good for you OP, I know what your hearing may sound harsh but take it from us, we have lived it and experienced it. We are saving you and your son the trouble of having to put up with this behaviour any longer.
I know a lot of people are quick to jump to LTB, but this has major red flags to us, thank us later when you meet someone who truest deserve you both and then come back and tell us, you were right, u couldn't I see it back then, then you can pass your knowledge to someone else on MN who may be going through the same thing you are now

It's bloody hard. I've been in a similar position and mumsnet put me right two years ago and I ended the relationship. My ds was 2 and breathed so if I went away overnight he had to come with me and there's no way I would have left him anyway. I was frequently getting comments about ds having me wrapped around his finger, how he needed to toughen up and get used to me not being there 24/7 and be less clingy. He wasn't clingy at all, just affectionate, tactile and still woke in the night for a feed. My ex had left his ds at around 4 month old for a week to go skiing with his then wife. I think he was jealous of our bond. Push came to shove when he referred to him as a little shit. Ds didn't throw tantrums at all but knows his own mind and sometimes he stamped his foot but no terrible twos. Nothing at all to warrant being referred to as a little shit.
Like you I'd been in an abusive relationship before and thought this guy was wonderful. He included ds in everything, understood if I couldn't get childcare, took us on holiday (nothing fancy just camping), days out etc. But when I took an honest look at things the flags were there to see. He was controlling, selfish, a man child and a shit dad to his own kids who he'd got 50/50 care of but got his elderly mum to look after them a great deal. He called his ex wife a dick. All things now that I'd see and that would be the end of things immediately. Mumsnet has taught me so much. I now have boundaries and far more self respect and am the happiest I've ever been now I'm single.
It's easy to be blind to these things but once you see them you have no choice but to act

OP, I am glad you’re taking things on board. He is not good for your son. He’s going to make you choose and your immediate thought is to be stricter on your little tiny child. That’s not OK. Your son didn’t ask for this knobber to be brought into his life. I found myself a single parent over 6 years ago. My son was 2 when ex-h left. I’ve chosen to remain single because it’s the right thing for my boy. I do have the odd date and indeed a FWB but kept entirely separately from my child. Concentrate on your little one. See the red flags and bin this prick. Also, he’s got other ex girlfriends with children, do you really want to be with someone who floats in and out of children’s lives like that?

Honestly he sounds like someone who just dosent know how to handle or what to expect from a child. And unfortunately many people dont until they A)have their own, B)spend enough time around one to learn what to expect. :/

There is no bad attitude or behaviour from my boyfriend to my child, let alone emotional abuse. I think you’re blind to what constitutes emotional abuse. He might not be violent to your son, but everything you’ve written makes it very clear that he doesn’t like him. How on earth can you establish a family unit with a man who dislikes your child? Do you not think he’ll pick up on that as he gets older?

I think the trauma from the previous relationship has truly blinded you to what’s normal nice behaviour.

You need to ditch this guy.

Try the Freedom Program from women’s aid.

"We don’t live together but he does stay over in my house a good bit.. around 5 nights a week. "

Do you practically do live together. If your son is at his dad's 1/2 nights a week and your boyfriend stays 5 nights a week then he will pretty much always be there when your son is there. You absolutely have to put your son first and dump this twat.

Once you’ve dumped this new boyfriend, can you do a parenting course and the freedom project? Your boundaries and acceptance of sub normal behaviour is worrying when you’ve got a kid who’s dragged into very very new relationships. In future, keep lovers away from your child completely, for a good few years if they really need to be emeshed in your kids life at all. You can enjoy dating and shagging whoever you want, just don’t make your kid be involved.

Well done for listening to what has been some very harsh replies.

Dating as a single parent is hard. So hard
We don't always get it right. My ex was a wonderful boyfriend. But not a good step dad and that's shit. But my children deserve better. (They already have a shit dad and step mum).

Be kind to yourself and feel free to PM me if you need a chat.

my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again

In short, FUCK THAT!!! NO way does anyone get to dictate to you where and when your son is with you.

He wants you to be stricter? I wonder what means that strictness will take when HE decides you are still not strict enough? A slap? A belt?

LEAVE. All I see are reg flag for abuse of your son, and for you. You have no idea how safe either of you are with him.

@RightEarlobeBreath Congratulations, you have two children instead of one. No she doesn't, she has a potential abusive partner.