Boyfriend relationship with my child

[LilmissA]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10months, we get on really well & 90% of the time he gets on great with my 4 yr old son.
As any 4yr old he can be moody & cheeky at times & is typical good. My boyfriend takes it to heart when he is grumpy& if my son is in bad form then my boyfriend is instantly in bad form too. He thinks my son dislikes him, which I know he doesn’t.
We were all away for 2 nights with my friends & their child. My boyfriend had a bad experience planted on the time away before we even left. We’d a great few days in my eyes, and my son loved it! Now he did have a moody session when we were going for dinner, not wanting to go, not wanting to sit where we were placed etc. Then came round once he ate, so prob just hangry!!! Now (and in the middle of my sons moodiness when we were away) my boyfriend said he’s never coming away wi us again. Which hurts me as my son is part of me.
I do get that he has a right not to want to spend time all together. He’s in a relationship with me not my son. But i would love us to do stuff as a family.
My boyfriend says that this was the way he was in other relationships too with ex girlfriends with kids.
He thinks I need to be stricter with my son. I think he needs to not get so annoyed when my son is in a bad mood & not take it personally!
Help please.

I agree with PP.
He is targeting single mums whom he perceives as desperate for attention at any cost. Living there 5 days a week is moving in without actually saying so. Why on earth does he have to be there 5 times a week? He has got it all worked out. He gets to basically live with someone who adores him and he gets to act out because he knows you are trying to fill your need for family life and will try to justify his behaviour because he is nice to you at other times.
It will get worse as he gets more comfortable. You won't want to rock the boat and you and your son will be walking on eggshells so he doesn't kick.off.
Run for the hills before your entire life is built around keeping the peace.

I have a four year old, yes, he can be a bit annoying, naughty etc just like any four year old. But as an adult he never knows if he is getting on my nerves, as it’s my job as the grown up to make sure he doesn’t know.

Five nights is a bit much, I have been with my boyfriend a similar time to you, he stays over once a week, however if there is a big change that week then I play it by ear and sometimes cancel him staying over. Yes, when that happens we’re both disappointed, but no ones pissed off or grumpy about it.

My boyfriend probably finds him a bit annoying sometimes, but he doesn’t show it and he certainly wouldn’t moan about him to me. When he comes over he makes a point of playing with him for half an hour, then essentially keeping out of my way until my son goes to bed so my son doesn’t feel pushed out.

We’re going away at the end of the month for two nights, I’m not sure if that’s a bit soon for my son, so I’ve booked an airbnb, that way if it’s too much for him we will have our own little apartment to escape to without my boyfriend. Yes, he will be upset if that happens as it reduces our time together, but he wouldn’t be an arse about it as he isn’t a selfish idiot.

I would happily move my boyfriend in today, but I chose not to have that sort of option when I chose to become a parent.

Come on, justified criticism of poor behaviour is not calling someone a monster.

The world is not split into monsters and good people. Everybody is capable of good and bad. Abusers are not monsters, they are regular, sometimes charming, sometimes wonderful-looking people like anybody else.

Pointing out the abusive traits here isn't a judgement of you, op. It's not saying he's some evil monster or that you knowingly got involved with an evil monster. There's no such thing as monsters.

It's saying that his behaviour is worrying, damaging and will get worse.

Focusing on defending him (and by extension yourself) isn't helpful or constructive.

Abuse is not about overt nastiness, it's about power and control.

And frankly emotional neglect is as damaging as physical violence.

Are you not allowed to have a life once you have a child? No wonder women would rather stay with a shit man just because they have kids as we single mothers are not allowed to move on once we separate from our children's fathers

Who the hell actually said that on this thread? Stop making things up. Are you doing so because you've made shit choices?

don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped into oh you are allowing your son to be emotionally abused and all the rest . None of us are in your relationship but you so by all means take the advice and decide what's best for you and your little boy . None of us can want the best for him more than you

Yeah, it's all good hun, you know bestxxx (even though it's plain for all to see that she doesn't at this moment in time!)

Yeah I do understand he stays a lot, but he lives 30mins away so it’s usually to save the drive at night if he’s round.
He’s away now & I will likely see him tomo afternoon before my son is back, he knows I am upset about this & we’ll talk tomo. Give me time to get my head straight.

Are you not allowed to have a life once you have a child?
Not at the expense of your child's welfare.

No wonder women would rather stay with a shit man just because they have kids as we single mothers are not allowed to move on once we separate from our children's father
Yeah because leaving a shit man and replacing him with someone who is just as shit is always good for everyone involved!

There's no excuse for him being at your home that amount, but for the sake of a 30 minute drive is ridiculous

Get rid of him. He doesn't understand young children which I 'get' but he's gone too far by saying he doesn't want to go away with you any more.

Well, he doesn't have to go away with you again and neither does he have to be your boyfriend. It really is that simple.

I’ve never thought Of him being here too much until these posts. He’s always been welcomed around & not like he is enforcing himself

Why is a man in a relationship with a woman with a child when he clearly has issues with children? Oh and he practically moves in with said woman and child.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

Of course he isn’t
He’s got it made.
Are you thinking of having a baby with him?

I would think very hard about continuing the relationship. It transpired that my DP was not willing to go on holiday with my DS - this was only really said clearly once we had DC of our own. And for me, far too late, I realised the weight of my mistake. You are seeing the initial signs of a manchild and in my experience this will only get worse. Get out while you can would be my suggestion. I'm about to do the same.

Really hope you are using bulletproof contraception.

@marly11 so he expected you, him and your joint dc to go on holiday without your son??

I am so sick of seeing posts like this, where a mother drags her shite choices in dude into her kids lives and homes, especially when she barely knows him.
OP, you barely know this guy and you’re making your son live with him in his home 5 days a week? Wow. Not worried about safeguarding or making your child feel safe after himself parents relationship failed then? Why not keep your sex life and your child entirely separate? I know from my own parent and the deluge of posts here, that ‘blending’ or ‘our own little family’ or whatever rarely if ever works. At best, the parent and the latest lover will be happy, the kids won’t be though.

" My boyfriend is also very good to my son"

But he isn't though is he, he doesn't like him or want to spend time with him. Do not inflict him on your child. He deserves better.

So what does this partner of yours think you should be doing with your 4yr old? I have a 5 yr old who goes in strops and can be fussy about where he sits when we go out etc etc. That's DC for you. I would be worried about you allowing this man to stay over so often, I have no doubt he must have been left with your DS at times. I wouldn't trust him at all. He goes in a mood because your DS has a strop on. Pathetic.

I agree with a pp, who said he’s projecting. He doesn’t like your ds much.

Is he contributing financially- bills, food etc seeing as he has pretty much moved in by stealth?

Please realise that this will not get better, your son needs you, neither of you need a manipulative jealous man in your lives.
How can this end well? If god forbid you have a child with this man the children will be treated differently- please don’t imagine otherwise! Your child is your priority, concentrate on keeping him secure.

I’m sorry but this is shocking. He’s round 5 nights a week?! You’ve only been dating 10 fucking months and you have a little boy. He is literally telling you he doesn’t want to go on holiday with your son again.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!

he had said that he wouldn’t want another relationship with someone with a kid but now has it.

Yet you have stayed with him.

Five nights a week. Five nights a week? He's effectively moved in. Your son does not know this man well enough for it to be comfortable and sensible for him to have moved in. Not in the sense of abuse but personal space, sensible boundaries and your son knowing he is your priority in a safe place.

He told you his ex begged for him back? Just yuck. I begged my ex to stay together despite the fact he beat the shit out of me for years. It doesn't mean anything, only that he's an cocky little shit for telling you that and thinking it makes him sound good.

I'm not saying he's a monster at all, you defend him as if people are saying he is evil. I just think he is totally incompatible with your life and your sons life, and you aren't putting your son first if you stay with someone who actively says they don't want to be with someone with kids.

Someone doesn't have to be evil to be wrong for you. You said you need to think and talk. I don't think you're anywhere near breaking up with him but I hope that you do.

he feels sorry for the child in his previous relationship missing him? I bet he does
and he is around 5 nights at 10 months

OP this is too much listen to all the advice this is not long term sustainable for yur son

Give your head a wobble OP.

This manchild should still be being on his VERY best behaviour.

He's only known your child. Few months. 16 weeks as someone upthread said and you are already aware your son winds him up and he dislikes spending lengthy periods of time with him.

This man should be tripping over himself to get your son to like him.

He is an absolute twat.

He is saving money on all his bills at home by living with you, so he buys some food shopping, so what, we all have to eat.
He's using you and is mean about your own child. Bin him off. Love blind? No, no such thing. 5 nights week, no rent, no bills. Cocklodger.

The one trait that is coming through loud and clear about this man is his arrogance. He has no children yet thinks he knows better than you do about how to parent your child. He also tells you that his ex begged him to take her back.

He has no intentions of changing his moody behaviour because "that's how he is" but thinks that the same behaviour from a 4yr-old is unacceptable.

I think you need to take a big step back from this relationship. Your son only met this man a matter of weeks ago but now has to live with him 5 nights a week. Things have moved far too fast, and that's without factoring in that he doesn't even seem to like your little boy all that much.