Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@jane that's a great idea! I have not done texting but that would be a lot easier actually than saying it during the act or pretending it was okay after.

You do give great advice!

@bandheadhere thanks 😊. You might need to build up to it depending on how receptive he is.

@jane1978x I think we need a class. I'd like to do a little but dunno how to start without esp if I'm not sure hes up for it.

I've done some sexting with a couple of matches, but no idea if I'm any good at it. I'll sign up for the class please!

I don't have a lot of sexual experience but I do know that communication is absolutely key for me. If I don't feel comfortable/confident in saying what's good and what I'm not so keen on then there's a problem for me. Before me and MrY dtd there was a fair bit of discussion re sex so he already had an idea of where to start and where not to take it. This was more in a sexting style than me presenting a list of rules, I might add so bang if it's easier via text then do that but definitely make it known what you like. Maybe you could try swapping over who is "in control" for want of a better phrase so you can show him. If there is a next time, you didn't sound mad about him to be fair!
Confidence in talking about sex and asking for what I'd like was a big 'boundary' thing for me, getting over that shyness, so I have thought about this a lot!

Sex with Mr Big was amazing the first time and just got better and better. That’s why I found it hard to finish it. I think firstly we were just compatible. We liked the same things (he is quite dominant in bed and I like to be a bit submissive a lot of the time). Secondly we did loads of sexting before we met and loads over the 11 months. We would do what we had been talking about if that makes sense. He always followed my mood so if he knew I was feeling down Or having a bad week we would have very tender sex. If he knew I was feeling particularly horny it would be much more of a shag fest. Sigh. I miss him.

Messaging Mr Fact last night and it got a bit flirty but then when it could have turned a bit sexy (I initiated) he changed it back to been sweet so I have no idea what sex might be like with him 🤷‍♀️

I lie!

I did actually sext Mr Straight a good few times, and wow that man knows what he is doing and seems very in tune with the sexual side of things.

I haven't felt comfortable before to do that, but it just flowed very easily. Even more awkward if the Friday meet goes ahead as we know exactly what each other likes and have had so many discussions about sex.

He seems just up my street though sexually.

My xw simply would not discuss sex...

I completely agree that communication is key. I'm very happy to discuss what's "in" and what's "out".

I'm up (oh er missus!) for most things, but do have my "lines in the sand".

I meant I hadn't sext a boyfriend or someone I have met!

@Marlboroandmalbec34 My current 'person' ? did that for a while (I'd try to get frisky over text and he'd derail it). He doesn't have the problem now we know one another better. It's bloody hard to give up a perfect 'lover' even if there's something missing outside the boudoir

Hope all clear for you. Many STDs are symptomless. I was tested before Christmas. HIV chat was a massive massive wake up. And a frightening scenario. No more online dating or casual sex for me. But have had a generally good year. Time to dip out. X

I think I've made a massive faux pas - how do I get out of it !!?

I got lots of requests to chat and did - but some are just not for me at all - 1 or 2 getting shirty as not replying much - do I just say sorry don't think so or just let it fizzle out or what? Shit I'm useless at this!

I'm now being wayyyyy more discerning and just deleting requests by the ones I think no way .....including the lads 4 years older than my son and those in different continents!

Aasrghhh!! No idea what I'm doing .

@SueDoeName the shouldn't get shirty, just go at your own pace. I would only expect a shirty reply if you had been chatting to someone for ages and then just went cold for days, nothing else.

I hate rough sex I am happy to make it really clear I don’t like it. I don’t tend to meet sexually aggressive men anyway (which is why I end up with all the clingy drips)

banghead funny isn’t it. Mr Big and i had been messaging / sexting for a week before we met and I definitely fancied his filthy mind. When we me I expected an Adonis 😂 he was in fact a normal, reasonably attractive, slightly quiet man. Had we not messaged and sexted so much we probably wouldn’t have dtd or seen each other again 🤷‍♀️

So my sexting is based on what we’ve done and what I want more of or different.

Eg I loved it when you xxx my xxx , I love it even more if you
Xx my xx while you were doing that.. maybe then I can do xx I know you liked that anything to make that even better for you.

Then add a few smirk emojis etc

I also hate sexting 😂
I’m more of an innuendo girl me

Be warned re Mr Straight though bangshead I also had great text chemistry/ sexting with another guy (I called him Mr Lawyer at the time) I didn’t fancy him (much shorter than me and very very shy) It felt odd that we had messaged so much intimate stuff when there was zero spark in real life

So do I just sorry you aren't for me or just be a chicken and delete /block?

One guy who was chatting for mere hours started really putting pressure on so I was totally honest and said I'm not rushing anything and he blocked me immediately. He was a complete munter anyway I was just being friendly.

I'm late 40s but no wrinkles or greys and do pass for a good 10 years younger, I look after myself and I put a good 10 pictures on - so why I get some right monsters trying it !?! I've been too friendly.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I think that is similar with Mr Straight, he is a quiet man I think, but he's filthy and I really like that. He wasn't crude at all, but just the way he spoke about it.

Tbh any shirty replies and they're gone! Unmatched!

@SueDoeName I always take the view I owe these guys nothing- I thought it was a well understood thing that many many conversations fall by the wayside on OLD.

I matched one guy on tinder and moved to snapchat, he sent very dull, brief messages so I kind of lost interest and didn't reply frequently. He made me uncomfortable (I may have a low threshold for this after stbxh and earlier OLD experiences) by messaging things repeatedly like 'you're quiet' and 'not saying much' so I actually said to him 'tbh I don't like comments like that- I'm really busy and can't always reply quickly'. Thankfully he's left it now!

@Jane1978xx = lesson 1 complete! :-)

@sue just delete / block if you not feeling it..and only a few messages, got to be brutal on there.

I prefer the more practical sextimg and only say what I mean 😂

So Mr 40miles has been messaging me all bloody day and night for 2 days on bumble and I ended up having to just push it and engineer giving him my number just now

So annoying 😂 why do I find this so annoying?

Then he followed it up by saying what do you want me to do with your number?! Bloody hell...

Hmmmn sounds like a smart guy menora 😂