Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I'm also interested to know @Notcoolmum. Was it a conscious choice, and why did you decide to go for more committed than casual?

I've been tested as has Mr C (that conversation and subsequent joint trip to the clinic he managed to make fun and funny, big points for him there!) and Mr E hadn't had results yet but had symptoms so we're all still waiting. I've had no symptoms so really crossing my fingers that Mr E was just being paranoid because he'd been seeing multiple women 😂

Sorry I can’t copy and paste the question but is exclusivity the same as bf/gf?

In my case it wasn’t necessarily. I pushed for exclusivity with a view to seeing how things went and we chatted later and called it bf / gf as things were going well. We dtd early on and were both still dating other people and I got very anxious about whether he was dtd with anyone else.

The whole time to date is tricky, it’ll work but I need someone who can fit in with my schedule or has similar. I have one night in the week but have a regular thing I do, but I can miss just wouldn’t want to every week, I’m missing it tomorrow for date with mr walking, then weekends are tricky, one the DDs are young but one has special needs and is very challenging so it’s much easier to split them so one each Friday/Saturday night, but we both do a joint overnight once or twice a month, they also both spend either Saturday or Sunday with stbxh so I get a day free most weekends! My long term thinking is they are young and are in bed and asleep by 8 so a cuddle on the sofa is an option if I get that far!

@shitwithsugaron sorry to hear about mr list, if he’s genuine then indeed it’s a plus that he’s a responsible father, it’s so easy to get caught up in the early days/weeks that a cancelled date is rough, so I get the disappointment.

@bangheadhere40 sounds like your being pulled back in, you’ll do what you need/want to do but I’ll just remind you, he made you feel shit by not texting, the sex wasn’t great, I hope it works out for you but it might not that’s some really big flags there.

@Jane1978xx @UncorrectedDoormat I knew that he wanted it to be more but I had decided he wasn't suitable for long term and was hankering over an ex. So I ended things. Only I really missed him and found myself getting in touch when I had a personal issue. So we ended up starting back up and I decided as I had missed him so much that I'd treat it differently and see where it led us.

He's asked me to be his gf and I'm pretty happy :). Very cautious as I've been burnt before. But so far so good.

(As in I was hankering over an ex. He wasn't. He's always been interested and upfront with me. As far as I can tell)

@crazycatlady20 I don’t really have anything to add to what others have said, but some real mixed messages go on there. In isolation it’s all ok but together? Sounds like too much of a headache trying to work it out.

This whole juggling irons is tough , I’m definitely juggling two, mr walking I’m meeting tomorrow (have I mentioned I’m meeting him tomorrow ) he seems really nice, if a little over invested, then mr taichi I spoke with on the phone this morning, another lovely man but is possibly a bit needy. My gut is neither are right long term but a friendship might be on the card with both, I just need to keep boundaries and make sure I’m clear about what I’m saying!

can I ask people's opinions about sex?

Does this get better? I know with me I get nervous especially the first few times and find it hard to relax. In the past it always has improved over time as I have been more comfortable with the person.

I have never had it amazing straight away!

@stuckinarut79 that’s interesting just to see how dynamics change between people.

Sex is usually not mind blowing for me the first time because I need a very particular position and circumstances to have an orgasm and no one would know that the first time
I tend to let them do their thing their way initially and then start to adapt it to MY way over time 😂

@menora that sounds like me!

And no to me exclusive just means no sex with others, not BF/GF

I have had it amazing the first time, but it was rare. I was very turned on though and just had some kind of click chemistry with him

I don't have a lot of experience to draw from; my ex was my one and only for many years. I had a few casual FWB types last year which ranged from ok to nice, but things with Mr G have been amazing from the start. We are just on the same wavelength somehow, and we clicked. I don't think it's very common to have that with someone straight away though.

@bangheadhere40 you said not great and that’s a hard point to start from. Things do get better as you become more confident to communicate verbally and physically. It depends what was missing for you and how easy that would be to add or ask for . For me the build up and the fore play part is 80% of it and the Piv part is part of the overall pic so I can’t go to that too quickly. But that’s kind of easy to communicate, can you say to him next time can we x and y

Hi there, I've been long term lurking for a few threads and not been posting as everything has been going great with my lovely new man.

I'm now going to tell my children about him - and really need some advice on this!

I hadn't been planning on telling them so soon- as I only see him when they're at their Dad's, but we all live in a very small town- so the chances are they'll bump into me on the street or in the shops when I'm with him.

I thought if I could talk to them first I wouldn't be so stressed about bumping into them each time I'm out.

It's a hard one- as I'm not planning on integrating him into our lives just yet. I want to say when you're with daddy I'll be with my boyfriend, but somehow I think that will upset them. They have met him briefly once, but thought he was a work colleague. They are age 6 and 9.

@jane, the build up was fine, it was more that he wasn't doing things as I would like and was too rough. I didn't say anything though as I was too shy. I am wondering if I did communicate with him and got over that if it would be better.

My last ex took great offence at me telling him what I liked, as he took it he wasn't good enough ( he wasn't)....but that has knocked my confidence with speaking up about it. He also got jealous about sex toys so that has put me off bringing them up again.

For me my daughters that age and I wouldn’t tell her as she’s very sensitive and I think she’d wonder why she couldn’t meet him.

Are you on good terms with your ex ? Could you discuss schedules with him so you don’t bump into each other ? Or if you do then just say he’s a friend the same as a female friend

@bangheadhere40 too rough isn’t great could you ask him to slow down or something or do you think that’s just what he does.

Re sex the first time - I have literally never had amazing sex, orgasmed or even been remotely close, the first time with someone new, until I had sex with Mr C! The first time we had sex we were up all night and there were multiple orgasms 😮

I think that's a big factor as to why I'm so besotted 🤣

@shitwithsugaron it was my last ex that took offence ( sounds just like yours) not this man

@jane - yes I could tell him...I probably should do, he spent a lot of time on foreplay, just wasn't what I liked! I should communicate this, I find it really hard though.

Message him in advance maybe I do a lot of sexting 😬. If I ever get hit by a bus I hope no one reads my phone.