Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Sunshineandflipflops oh I can definitely see it being difficult in it's own way. I mean I'm yet to really see what is actually easier as I don't exactly have form for picking guys who have long term potential and it's rare I ever even see anyone for a second date 😂 From a logistics point of view it's easier when only one person has to plan I guess. But I'm lucky I have a lot of family help which makes it reasonably easy to be spontaneous.

Welsh guy was understanding- but I also think it's why he never saw us as having the potential for a relationship.

@shitwithsugaron 3 nights a week and sun - you'd still have fri night/sat night no?

Just catching up and checking in, I'm quietly reading everyone's updates and there's always really useful insights into dating behaviour on here.

I am 100% on the smitten bench with Mr Curls. I've known him 4 weeks (!) seen him about 4 times a week from the beginning, ranging from 10 mins snog on doorstep on way to work (one of my favourites!) to 24 hours in bed.

Still trying to hold back and be aware of red or even amber flags because I realise I barely know the man and it's all moving very quickly because I just love spending time with him and I haven't been this besotted in a veeeeeerrry loooong time.

On the downside...had a text from Mr E (who I was seeing before Mr C til I discovered he was still on dating apps) to say I should get tested for STIs. So my instincts about him were right. Always trust your instincts!!!

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn Logistically it's trickier but tbh in terms of LT potential - with kids is better for me. 1. They understand there's a schedule. 2. They aren't (usually) wanting more kids (I'm not having any more)

I missed the update shitwith sorry your dates are cancelled. At least you know he is a good dad.

Re the time to date. Do any of us with DC really? I have 3 nights in 14 free. Mr Fact has 8 in 14 free. Our matching free nights...2 in 14. (None first week, 2 the next) So if things progress it’s going to be hard work and cost me a fortune in babysitting BUT I would rather date a good dad than one who has little or no responsibility for his kids.

@Marlbroandmalbec34 yeah I'd have thought that too. id understand if it was at the beginning but I dont think it was.

is exclusivitey basically the same as bf/gf, if not what's the difference? also how do u bring it up? without it sounding so serious or should it sound serious? I'm really rubbish at this 😫

think my plan is to lay all cards on the table tonight then back off a bit and let him decide.

re kids/availability no this is something I think about, my kid free time is weekends mostly but i find lots of guys have kids all/every weekend. this is actually the case with mr builder and i brought it up and he said he thought ud make it work for the right person. hes changed one of his days to match mine, which I had thought was a good sign!

I am in a little predicament, Mr Smile has messaged me today as if nothing has happened.....maybe he wasn't aware of the etiquette of texting after DTD, and how his behaviour makes me feel. He seems normal enough today and back to usual texting patterns.

Mr Straight hasn't mentioned any firm plans for Friday yet, just that it will be Friday.

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to mess anyone about. I think it's too early to call with Mr Smile ( potential maybe) and I am curious about Mr Straight and have been for months now.

It would be a lot easier if Mr Straight cancels on me.

I don't want to tell Mr Smile by text that it's going a bit fast as that seems a little rude....aaaahhhh

@Peanutbuttermouth Great news about Mr Curls but not so much about Mr E and the STI testing. Have you been tested yet? I assume you'll also have to tell Mr Curls to be tested too (unless you've been using condoms of course).

@bangheadhere did u message mr smile back yesterday?

@crazycatlady20 I did later on, but didn't ask him anything, just a breezy text in reply to his.

I'm not looking for something committed, I've just come out of a marriage so there's no rush, but I don't want to be waiting at home so dating plus fwb seems to make sense for now

@crazycatlady20 I would like to know the answer to this one too:

is exclusivitey basically the same as bf/gf, if not what's the difference?

is exclusivitey basically the same as bf/gf, if not what's the difference?

For me, I guess it is the same thing. Mr Ad asked me to be his girlfriend, which I realise makes us sound like teenagers, not 40-somethings, however it really helped with the 'knowing where I stand' thing!

crazycat no idea. I’ve never go that far 🙈

bangshead just takes it steady with Mr Smile. I don’t know what to advise re Mr Straight. I know you want to meet him but you have told Mr Smile you are exclusive but then I know your having doubts ( and it was fast). My instinct is Mr Straight will flake.

supercali I don’t want any more kids so I would be worried about dating someone who doesn’t have them if they wanted them in the future. I went on a few dates with a slightly younger guy last year but didn’t progress it as I knew long term he wanted kids

Yes exclusive is bf/gf, and it's no one else on the scene

I think it can be a big step, my feelings on how quickly I'd want that have changed

See I know what I'm like and even though I'm quite happy with my two if I met someone I really wanted to be with and they wanted kids I'd probably do that. Did anyone else watch Desperate Housewives? That bit where Susan tells Mike she always caves and will have another baby 😂 that's me! I'm definitely a Susan.

@shitwithsugaron On the first time with a new partner - I think a normal sensitive soul of either gender is going to hoping to be excited and nervous etc. and would be worried about being judged and wouldn't be judging either. It's basic human decency at play rather than getting all horndog about the prospect of 'a naked woman/man'. If you've established that they're basically decent I think you needn't worry.

On the time to date thing, I do 50-50 childcare and I have a busy life so I hope to date someone similar. The question of not having time to date did come up for me too I found it went both ways as more of the women I met had the bulk of the childcare. I guess it's a concern if you want a very joined at the hip relationship but is that even a good wise thing to be doing in the early months ? I have had my expectations of what is possible radically altered since dating post LTR. It requires much patience, consideration and empathy, that's for sure. I don't think I've remotely answered your question except to say .. maybe it doesn't matter so much at this stage, Mr List's limited availability ?

I already have quite enough DC, I have no intention of making more. 😂😂

@bangheadhere40 I don't understand the timeline here - you've agreed exclusivity with one man, and despite a slowdown in comms that hasn't officially changed, but you've made plans for a date with someone else? If that's right I think you need to talk to the first man asap.

@perfect, well I have only seen Mr Smile 4 times now and was having fun and wanted to take it slowly. He then told me he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend ( I should have said there and then I thought it was too soon looking back). I never said I love him back as I don't yet. I do like Mr Smile, but am wary of the love bombing, and how he can feel like this so quickly. I do need to talk to him yes.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I have 3 matching days a month with mr gray in terms of being free i think. But usually dd has a sleepover once a month and her dad is a flake and swaps days so it ends up we have maybe ( the same. Which is ok I guess. Sometimes it’s 2 or 3 days apart and other time’s 10 days but try and make it work.

@jane - how do you work it? are you and Mr Gray exclusive then and have both agreed not to see other people?

@Peanutbuttermouth did you ask him what specifically you should be concerned with ? Some things they will give you antibiotics for based on partners having it before test results come In so you can get treated ASAP.

@bangheadhere40 he said casual and I agreed, althou I’m not 100% sure what that actually means - maybe I should . He wasn’t seeing anyone when I met him and I don’t think he can be now as I see him or he’s with his kids or working so maybe he’s keeping that option open. I don’t see anyone else , I nearly did the guy from before but we both got cold feet I think. I don’t have the time or capacity to see anyone else personally.

To who asked about exclusive meaning bf/gf. No is my answer. I was exclusive with Mr B but we were casual. So we only saw each other but we had no expectations on long term or integrating into each other's lives. We also kept our conversations quite light so got to know each other more superficially.

We are now bf/gf so changing our expectations and getting to know each other differently with a view to a longer term, more meaningful, relationship.

@Notcoolmum. How did it change from the casual to bf/gf did it just evolve or one of you said something?