Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Can I ask a question?

Does anyone have a FWB and also date?

My situation is a little complicated, but my fwb and I can't be anything more so if I was to meet someone who can be more committed then we'd just be friends.

Anyone in a similar situation?

@crazycatlady20, I don't like this bit he said:

he mentioned at the weekend that he had been talking to someone else and his mum etc had asked him why. but after something I'd said he wasnt going to talk to her.

I think I would have to tell him I want a relationship and if he doesn't want that then you are a little hurt, but it's obvious you want different things. Try not to do in an aggresive way, but just state clearly what you want and see his reaction.

@crazycatlady20 or the other tactic is just to back off completely...and see what he does, that could be better. Don't say or arrange anything, and see what action he take.

@Sunshineandflipflops I'm a little worried about Mr Straight being tight, he has a good job, money etc but mentioned the parking charges being too much about where we are doing to meet, said it seemed very steep.

and he hasn't yet arranged where we are going to meet, if he does!

@Sunshineandflipflops
(I've just discovered you can do this @ thing!)

I did question the bad apple why he wasn't just honest and stated on his profile that he was looking for something casual, rather than all the guff about wanting new experiences and a relationship. He said, that it was because that's not what women want to hear. I'm guessing he imagined it would lessen his chances. But truly I believe it is obviously much better to tick the casual box, if you really know you are not going to want a relationship. Or at least on Bumble, the 'I don't know'.

I think had be been more honest on his profile, I wouldn't have gone there at all.

Well this is it isn't it. This is why more ppl (men and women don't state it). Although of course many do.

@supercali77

Oh gosh, 'your' guy sounds scarily similar to 'my' guy.
Claimed in profile he wanted a relationship, it gradually became apparent that he had only ever had hook ups and 3-6 months relationships.

Never lived with anyone.

The stinginess with money, emotions, kindness, EVERYTHING. And could only go one round with sex, after the initial 'I'm a sex god' boasting to me. He also couldn't make any compliments, or say anything complimentary about me, (said he just didn't do it). Plus hated receiving and giving presents. The one thing he bought me was a mint tea on our first date. LOLOLOLOL what a catch!

I suppose if he had presented all of the above in his profile, no one would touch him with a barge pole.

@bangheadhere40 I guess just keep an eye on that side of things. There is a difference I think between being careful with money (as I am because I have to be) and being tight. To me, if you ask someone on a date, you really shouldn't be moaning about parking charges/the cost of drinks/etc. That's part and parcel of going on a date!

@Sunshineandflipflops hahaha 'Keep hold of the packet' and he wondered why the spark was 50% off. BOGOF

@Deadsouls Ahhhhhh yes. Same. very very very rarely complimented me. I tried to break it off twice before I ended it for good and those were the only times he really complimented me (to try to get me 'back').

@sunshine will do! he said if I didn't have a good time he would reimburse my parking charges. I don't know if he is joking, he is very serious I think, and I can't tell a lot of the time if it's a joke or if he means it. It seemed an odd thing to say, but yes the cost of the car park seemed to be a big issue!

@crazycatlady20

I think paying attention to how you feel is important here. You say you feel anxiety; something about his situation/connection doesn't make you feel safe. He is giving you mixed messages as you identified; saying he wants to take it slow but then introducing you to his family.

He sounds a bit ambivalent to me. In that he gets close and pulls away, get close and pulls away, This kind of thing is incredibly anxiety provoking simply because it is confusing and you don't know where you stand.

You mentioned that he had been messaging someone else. I think if there hasn't been an explicit agreement that you are exclusive that this isn't too unusual for 2 months.

If you want a relationship and he doesn't or can't commit, then you need to leave this situation before you are left in more anxiety. Have you had a conversation and told him what you are looking for? Does he know?

@bangheadhere40 I think I'm just going to have to say. I think pulling back at this stage is prob just prolonging the convo as itll still be on my mind even if he does arrange stuff. do u think to do it on telephone call Is alrite? I actually hate talking about serious things face to face, txt would be even better lol

@crazycatlady20 I would speak on phone or even text it, at least you can say what you want by text!

@WanderingLost167 i sortof do, i have a FWB but also swipe and have had a few dates since but nothing progressed past date 1 with them. If I met someone more committed, then great but I sometimes feel the convenience of FWB stops me being more available to others

@deadsouls no we hadn't had a chat, I was fairly laid back at first lol and it all seemed to be going in the right direction so didnt bother. last week I did ask him what he thought of me/us and at first he dodged it, but then said he liked me but was being cautious. I then said I was looking for something fun that was hopefully leading somewhere. I dunno if I should have been more forward. I also dont know if it that comment that made him say he stopped talking to someone else🤷🏻‍♀️ do u think I need to have another convo?

I'm not sure I'd say he pulls back, we text every day and call a couple of times a week. I think my prob is I've started to like him more and I've started to over think things but saying hed been chatting to someone has really thrown me.

@shitwithsugaron 😩 think of it longer term hes an Amazing commited dad which is a great quality

I have a casual/fwb but i don’t date other people as I don’t have the time for start . If I did I’m not sure what I’d do. I don’t think personally I could sleep with more than one person unless I was seeing them very occasionally maybe

@shitwithsugaron ah that's a real shame. I hate this time of year, always loads of bugs and colds around.

@crazycatlady20 If you still feel anxious then it depends on your preference, myself I always back right away and do my own thing if I get mixed messages. If i've put my cards on the table in any way, that's kind of my job done, then I feel like if they drift off - fair enough, if they don't....fair enough. You might prefer to have some clarity - so it might be good to ask yourself what it is actually that you want. Is it an agreement on exclusivity? Is it being 'GF/BF'? Is it for him to be more decisive about what he wants/less ambivalent?

Morning all.

Miss Barber messaged me to say she had decided not to meet...

Re polymory / fwb etc, whilst I don't "shout" about it on my profile, if I match with someone, I'm honest about what I'm looking for - which is probably why I haven't had a date in some time - but I'd rather that, than to lead anyone on.

Re money, I have my own business, which is doing quite nicely, thank you. I'm happy to go Dutch, but will always offer to pay.

Re, er, shall we say curves?, I personally have no problem. I'm no Adonis myself, so why should I expect any woman I date to be "perfect" (whatever that is).

If I'm lucky enough to get to the point / be in a position to see you naked, trust me, the odd lump or bump isn't going to hold me back.

@shitwithsugaron it's really hypocritical of me but I don't want to date people with kids for this reason- it's hard enough that I have kids- just seems easier if it's only me who has to plan ahead and not the other person too.

If you like him I'd give him a chance! It's the not driving that would be most difficult for me I think though

crazycat it’s crap but I think this is why we need to have these awkward conversations about exclusivity. This thread is an eye opener as I would have assumed after 2 months and meeting the family you were exclusive but over and over from following this thread it seems you have to ask/discuss this. I think you need to talk to him!

shitwith that’s a shame but not long to wait!

bangshead yes I check electoral role too to find out names of ex. I then sm stalk them a little too to ensure they are not under the impression they are happily married. Wow I’m like Jo from “you” 😂

@shitwithsugaron So does he have joint custody with DC's mum? That sounds like above the 'norm' for most dad's contact wise, although saying that, my ex has our kids 3 nights a week one week and 2 the next (basically, every tuesday night, every other weekend fri-sun and the weekends he doesn't have them he has them on a thursday night as well as the tuesday). I did hear that his ex (the OW) complained about how often he saw his kids but that to me says way more about her than it does him. I'm not saying for one minute that you're complaining...just thinking out loud!

Is thursday night a night when he'd usually have his DC? Can his ex not have them? But yes, good for him for putting his child first I guess, as disappointing as it might be.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn I dated one guy who didn't have kids and I found it harder. He said he was understanding of my situation but then he seemed to be fed up when I couldn't spontaneously meet up with him or he failed to commit to the next date early enough so when he decided he wanted to meet up, I was busy! We are still friends now actually but i did call him on it and say I didn't think it was going to work.

Mr Ad doesn't drive either (well, he does but he doesn't have a car) but I do and he can get a train. Not been a problem so far.