Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Sorry not completely caught up yet, Monday night is therapy night and it was a heavy one!
@Jane1978xx why do you think I get him a drink in? I mean what’s the subtext? I didn’t want him buying me one without me stood with him (I’m really overthinking this) but thought how do I do that hence thinking I’d get there and get myself one, I’ve no objection to getting him one but is that not weird?

@stuckinarut I just mean if you are there first you buy him a drink so it’s waiting. Just a politeness thing really so he’s not back and to when he comes in the pub x

@jane I know why I’d thought that was a bad idea, if I have one waiting for him, then he may want to get the next one, this is how far I’m overthinking- if he wanted to he could then put something in my drink as he’d be at the bar out of my sight, but not out of the bar staffs sight, I’ve watched too many crime dramas haven’t I!!! It’s fine to let a stranger go up to the bar and buy me a drink?

I never even thought of that ! Is it a pub they bring drinks to ghe table ? Or sit near or at the bar ? I think it’s unlikely anyway

@Stuckinarut79
I’ve had lovely messages before along the lines of ‘I’ve got here a bit early, just at the bar, can I get you drink for when you arrive’
Would that work?

Hello, I pop in occasionally and read the threads. I'm not up to date with this one...hope it's okay to post here with my last negative OLD experience. I'll try to keep brief.

I started OLD about this time last year so not at all experienced with dating in general, and first dating experience after my divorce.

Anyway...I got chatting with a guy from PoF. And from our convo he seemed fairly 'normal' and functional, and his profile said he was looking for a relationship, longest relationship had been 4 years, looking for someone to have new experiences etc...there were a few things in the chat that I thought were a bit off, (he had all sorts of rules), but I gave the benefit of the doubt.

Well, it transpired after getting to know a bit more that everything in his profile was a lie! Maybe this is usual for the online world! Essentially I wasnt quite sure what I was looking for, but I did want to go on some dates, have physical intimacy (it had been a long time), and get to know someone. But I came to understand that although he purported to want the same, actually this wasn't the case.

It turns out he is a prolific online dater. He is on all the major sites; Bumble, PoF, OkCupid and Tinder. He says in his profile for all that he is looking for a relationship but actually what he is looking for is conquests. He chases and love bombs until he has the woman in bed, sleeps with them and discards them. He is actually a misogynist. I know all of this because I went into it with the idea of it being a polyamorous situation. So he was open about this treatment of women with me. I found it really quite shocking. Shocking in the sense that a person can completely lie in their profile! I know its naive of me but I don't understand it.

Not only this but he is the tightest person I've ever met in my life who would never take a woman out to a restaurant or spend money on them. He makes sure to arrange dates in a coffee shop, pub or park where the outlay is minimal. This only dawned on me after we had met 3 times and I was asking to do something or go somewhere. He would make excuses and then I realised it was only ever going to be sex at his place.

Fortunately I got out of the situation pretty quickly as he turned out to be a chauvinist, misogynist and incredibly narcissistic.

The whole thing has put me off OLD for a while. He said to me, 'ALL men do this' (because of course he knows ALL men )

I just wonder though if this is a common thing....for profiles to be a complete pack of lies and for somw men (I'm saying men as that was my experience), to use dating sites to find targets to seduce and discard. He quite openly told me that he just says what the woman wants to here, chases them until he has had sex, then just gets rid of them, to 'teach them a lesson'.

Or did I just encounter a really bad apple?

Car park snog!!!!!!

Turned out to be a longer post than I meant!

I'm quite sure he's probably still on all the sites doing the same thing.

stuckinarut I think you’re overthinking. It’s really normal to go in rounds at the bar and wouldn’t cross my mind. Have you done a bit of a sm stalk on him? Does he check out? Is there something worrying you? Defo stay in public and let a friend know where you are and who you are meeting but I think the code words to get out etc are overkill.

Yes leavebefore 🙌🙌

deadsouls I’m slightly confused. You wanted a relationship but when you realised he didn’t want that with you and he told you he chases and discards women you entered a polyamorous relationship with him? Why?

Lots of men and women are on all the sites. I am on 3.

If he actually told you he likes “chasing women for sex and the gets rid” then that’s disgusting but why did you enter a relationship with him and keep seeing him?

Also early dates are often in pubs/ bars/ coffee shops. It’s less pressure than a sit down meal and I wouldn’t expect a man to spend more money on the date than I would be spending.

There are a lot of “players” on online dating and a lot of people who want a relationship but start casual relationship with others whilst looking. So many of us on here have had or are in FWB situations and still looking online for relationships.

Sorry if I’m not understanding. I’m certainly not sticking up for him but I am genuinely confused

I went into meeting him with the idea of wanting to try Polyamory. So it was open from the beginning. But my idea of poly was different from his idea of poly. I wasn't sure what I wanted, as in a relationship, but I did want to do some things that didn't involve being in bed.

The issue wasn't that he was seeing other women, it was more that he treated them badly, (and me too to a certain extent) and wasn't honest and generally wasn't a nice person. I got out of the situation fairly quickly.

@Deadsouls you did encounter a bad apple- I mean there are a fair few like that in OLD but really, his pathetic excuse of 'all men do this'? Feeble excuse and justification for his behaviour.

A year of OLD has taught me to be cautious, sceptical and frankly very on my guard. We were discussing it on here the other day but I actually feel OLD has been very valuable in learning about behaviour/boundaries/respect and red flags.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn
Wooooohoooooo 😘😘😘😘

@marls lol I’m overthinking the drugging of drinks but hadn’t considered sm stalking, so do you ask for surnames so you can do this before meeting?

Yay @LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn

And the 'tight' thing is something he himself told me. He said he never spends money on a woman if he can help it. He prefers to give the illusion that he might spend money, but generally only invites women to his house to avoid expenditure.

I suppose the reason I finally came to write this out was that I was shocked that he could lie in his profile and to these women. And whether this was a common thing...to say you want a relationship but actually that is not the case.

deadsouls he sounds a twat. Keep on, there are good ones too you just need to keep your guard up and keep reading the rules. Good on you for getting out quickly

stuckinarut I think I should retrain as a private investigator. 😂 Usually if i have chatted for a few days I find out enough info that I can find them. Location, job, first name and I usually crack it. Does everyone else not do this? I assume people do it to me too so I just ensure my social media is locked down enough that they can see I am who I say I am but cannot see my day to day posts/ pics of kids.

Ok so my car park snog!

It was really nice actually, he can kiss! Not like that one last month! We actually managed to hold up a bus 😊😂

I was shocked that he could lie in his profile and to these women

Really? I think most people that do OLD are aware people lie all the time, from their age, marital status, using old pics.

Both men and women are guilty of all of these.

I really don't understand your shock at the lies. Or that you even met him again when he revealed who/what he was.

leavebeforethelightscomeon I agree that the situation did teach me where I need to have more boundaries and actually it spring boarded me into taking some time for myself. Really looking back, I would now not even meet again after the first time because there were red flags but I think after being alone for a long time, and my first experience, I ignored them and kept giving the benefit of the doubt.

I did want to try polyamory and so I was still OLD but i was honest in my profile about being non-monogamous. Okcupid seems to be the place for this, (polyamory that is). His idea of poly was not to tell other women he was seeing me, as it would harm his chances of 'getting' them. When I became too disturbed by his treatment of women I did get out of it, thank god.

deadsouls yes I think it might be unfortunately.

windmillwhirl yes I use the word 'shock' as I explained I had not had much prior experience of OLD. So I was not aware of that lying about age, height, wants etc was such a common thing. I did believe his profile. I did not lie or have not lied in my profile (as it was) about any of those things.

As explained, after coming to realise his character and bad treatment of women (it was not something he immediately revealed, rather more gradually), I was able to come out of that entanglement relatively quickly and thank my lucky stars.

I ignored red flags which I would not now ignore. Now I would never see him again. But it was the first date I had had after nearly 6 years and his 'mask' didn't fully drop till maybe the 6th time of meeting him.

Seeing him again leavebefore?

Yes @Marlboroandmalbec34, I'm supposed to be seeing Mr Wings tomorrow and Mr Sharkbite in Saturday though...

I'm no good at multi dating- I don't know what's acceptable. It makes me feel guilty 😂