Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@unambiguousbeard Yeah agree i don't think it's always a case of out and out arse but - not being able to separate fantasy projections from reality. £1000 eh? it beggars belief really doesn't it.

@unambiguousbeard true, I did go off him myself and I will remember that! He has also spent a ridiculous amount of money and time doing things for me recently, he drove an hour on Friday to fix something in my house. I think you are right about the feelings thing after DTD, he is obviously not very mature though anyway not to realise that was what is happening.

I am a little gutted I turned down Mr Straight for him, if he is what I am thinking.

Wow @unambiguousbeard a grand on a date. Jealous!! That's actually a good point I hadn't considered about being driven by their hormones and then that dissapating. But you wouldn't expect that on the receiving end.

My experience so far is that the guy is all keen. I start out relatively cool. Then I relax and allow myself to enjoy it and develop feelings and then they cool off me. I'm very anxious of being caught up in the cycle again.

@bangheadhere40 I hope you know you aren't stupid for this- it's him!

Sat here writing a bloody letter to bloody solicitors about Finances- ex has been useless and hasn't even got a solicitor. I'm desperate to get my decree absolute as well 😫

Hate stbxh so much. It's partly why I enjoy all the dates with fit young 20's guys- the opposite of him. He'd hate it.

And welsh guy and I shagged in his bed before the house was sold which felt good- after the separation I hasten to add 😂

He was an ex-addict. In retrospect he had no control over his impulses or insight into his emotions. And I didn't like him that much, but I was still gutted when he went flaky. It makes for a good anecdote. Apart from when I can't actually share the detail!!!!!!

Also with the cost before we DTD he was all like, have whatever you like. Afterwards he started complaining about the cost. Clearly no idea about me as I have no interest whatsoever in money.

Did anyone watch the programme about sex workers on 4 last night? It got me thinking about when I first started OLD almost 5 years ago and the amount of men that were obviously just after one thing, the men that I had slept with after one or two dates and then they vanished. I don’t feel much different then the women on there that were charging £250 for their services 😂. One of the women on there was a single mum and making a good amount of money sleeping with the type of people you find on tinder.

The fact a man is willing to spend £1000 on a evening out (and shagging) a woman is quite worrying, shows how desperate they are to get their leg over.

Anyway, no sex here for almost 2 months (dry January for me 🤣), still o dates and only a load of weirdos messaging me on POF, even had a message from someone I had been on a date with before and he didn’t even realise he’d already been on a date with him and I had turned down a 2nd. Nice to know I’m memorable 😂

@bangheadhere40 any word off him ? What a prick.

@Lovemusic33 Yes, I saw it (love Louis). It got me thinking too that many women are happy to meet men OLD or wherever and have sex with them on the first date, which there is nothing wrong with at all if it's all consenting, however women that do the same thing for money are viewed much more judgementally.

I think it must be so hard to cut off emotion from sex like that...I don't think I could do it.

@unambiguousbeard similar, this guy was funny with money, like have it...I didn't want it. He offered to take me shopping and just buy what I want, but I didn't want anything, I'm not actually after money.

Oh god @bangheadhere40 this guy offered to take me shopping for new clothes too.

He has JUST got back this second....now I feel an even bigger fool! saying he had a nice weekend too.

I still have my own doubts though for now after the recent red flag behaviour.

@bangheadhere40 at 3pm?! Remember you will feel so grateful he's replies as you had felt upset and anxious. That doesn't change the fact you weren't sure about him last night. Or that he waited hours to text you. Don't reply straight away. Allow yourself to think this through.

Hmm it’s seems odd he took so long when that’s not usual 🤷🏼‍♀️

@bangheadhere40 hopefully he is just busy. it's still hard even tho u weren't that sure on him. just be cool if/when he replies.

@notcoolmum I'm the same.

Been seeing Mr Builder for about 7 weeks once or twice a week and everything's been good. At the start no insecurities about messaging or checking if hes read/been online etc but I can feel it starting to creep in. I'm not sure if messaging has died down a bit or it's my imagination, prob going to meet now once a week due to circumstances, mixed with the fact I think I like him and want to see him more. I feel like I'm just gonna spoil everything by becoming to clingy 🙁.

I have my own life altho dull, and can get on with doing other stuff but is there any other tips?

Hes generally chilling out in evenings and I'd just think itd be good to chill out together more.

I don't think he's a prick for not replying immediately. You weren't asking a question. You were just saying what I presumed you said in person, that you had a good time.

Yes at 3pm! I'm not replying yet and still not sure myself. I was also pretty gutted I missed meeting Mr Straight, so I'm not sure what to do there if he asks again. Thanks so much for all the support all of you, I will have a think.

@crazycatlady20 - I think men do message less after a few weeks, have you spoken to him about how often you want to see him?

@bangheadhere not yet. I know he's low on money so not sure if I should. I did mention I thought he'd been quieter one day.

@crazycatlady20 you could ask him, just once to see what he says about it, then if he isn't keen don't ask again!

Really @Windmillwhirl if I bloke I had sex with for the first time waited until 3pm to text me the next day I'd be really upset. And I don't think I'm alone in that.

@crazycatlady20 I hate how it just creeps up on you. You could just mention one evening you could both be chilling on the sofa together. See if he takes the hint?

Fair enough. Maybe I don't put that much weight on a text. Again, I'm presuming it ended with both parties saying they had a nice time face to face in the morning. The text reiterated then what had already been said.

fwiw I have always messaged someone I've dtd with as soon as practical the next day (if not as soon as I've got home that evening / night.) I don't think I could ghost someone like that.

I don't know if you remember, but I went to a swingers club, and played with a very nice woman. I tried to send her a message on FAB the next day, but couldn't, because of her age filters... It took me over a week, and some fairly complicated shenanigans, but I finally managed to send her something.... Better late than never, I suppose..

I also wouldn't spend £1k... That guy has real issues..

@Windmillwhirl it's basic courtesy and the as far as i'm aware - the unwritten rules vis a vis sex/dating these days. Also, 'I love you' be my girlfreind' OTT followed by no check-in - did she get home ok, thanks for driving all the way over and back etc. Basic shit and at odds with the original stuff he was saying.

I'm not saying its absolutely fine, I'm just saying I don't think it makes him a prick.

If a guy asked me to be his girlfriend, I wouldn't assume he'd changed his mind because he didn't reply to a text for a few hours.

As said, I'm presuming both people said to each other they had a good night.

I certainly wouldn't think it was suddenly all over because of a delay in text message reply.

Sounds as if feelings had changed towards the guy anyway, maybe he picked up on that and is uncertain himself.