Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@supercali77 thanks xx yes when you put it like that then he must do this all the time, he came off tinder instantly too didn't he! I hope I am wrong here but if not, I've never ever come across someone like this before in all my years of dating/relationships.

@Jane1978xx - in my experience, the only female profiles that have anything like that on them are fake profiles, only wanting you to pay money / sign up to another website, to "chat" with them, or "see more pictures" or similar.

I suppose there might be real women out there stating on their profile that they are looking for a ONS / FB / FWB / something casual, but I haven't found any.

There was an article in the paper lately that said tinder or OLD is the worst way to try and get sex.

The hundreds of swipes you have to go through to get a match that even speaks to you makes it highly unlikely.

@bangheadhere40 Sadly - I have. But this last year has been a bizarrely high ratio of asshats. Baffling behaviours. Blame it on Brexit?

Cheaper than paying by the hour though I’d imagine...

@bangheadhere40 I’m the same as you - fearing the worst if someone reads a message and doesn’t reply straight away. But maybe he read it then something came up at work. Try not to worry about it for now - leave it a bit longer and think of all the valid reasons he may have for not replying (called into a meeting at work, driving etc...)

Chances are that there’s a perfectly logical reason

@AverageGuy these were all real men. There will be plenty of women interested in casual relationship or Fwb they just prob don’t say it.

@TheCatWithTheHat thanks but he always has replied in minutes and he has been online for 2 hours now.

How can my man radar be so rubbish? I turned down 2 nice men last week because I preferred him. I can't believe the extreme effort that has gone into this if he is what I am now thinking!

How are you getting on @cat?

Mr Straight is still messaging me a bit, but I had put him on the back burner for Mr Smile. Mr Straight says he now wants to meet me though, but that's probably another distaster!!!!!!

Although Mr Straight isn't as forward as Mr Smile, and is more honest, we have better conversations at least. Not sure what to do.

Maybe he’s on a WhatsApp phone call? Or busy dealing with something? I had similar with Miss Confusing last week - she took hours to reply, and I could see she was online. Turns out she was panicking about a deadline for work and spent all day messaging colleagues about it. I just leapt to the assumption she was messaging other guys!

@TheCatWithTheHat - That's happened to me too!... I managed to ruin what could have been a great relationship, because I messaged her a couple (ok several) times to try to get a response...

@cat I can just feel something isn't right! I don't know how but I can. I am not going to message again though, and will leave it here if nothing obviously.

I am still curious about Mr Straight...but I'm not pushing anything there either.

Did you go on your dates?

You can also put your phone down with WhatsApp open and it looks like you are online

I had a rule I wouldn't date anyone without SM. Then I met Mr S who didn't have it. He seemed nice and genuine. His LinkedIn and company profile matched who he was etc. But what SM shows you is their friends. Pictures of them with their families (and when and where). Plus are they happy to tag you in things eg and be open about you in their lives. After Mr S kept me at arms length from his life and dumped me I would never date someone without a SM presence again. I think if he'd have had SM I may have discovered he was closer to his ex than he said. Mr B has SM. He likes and comments on my posts. His friends match what he's told me about them. He's not liking Britain First etc. It's an added level of security that they are the person they claim to be and that they are happy to include you in their life.

@Sunshineandflipflops I can't see how @MyuMe is like Mr AD at all. Mr AD met you early on. Makes an effort to see you including visiting you using public transport. He has made time for you and treated you as a priority. The very opposite of what my has described.

Any word @bangheadhere40? What concerned me about Mr Smile was his change in pattern. Flakey one minute and declaring love the next. Maybe he saw he was getting closer to dtd and so shifted his behaviour. Saying he loved you after 3 meetings would always be a massive red flag to me. You can't love someone you don't know. You can be very attracted to them. It may develop into love further down the line and therefore you had good gut feelings about them. But it's not love after 3 meetings.

I actually turned down meeting Mr Straight yesterday when after 3 months he tried to set a date because of Mr Smile!!!!

@notcoolmum nothing no! It's not so much the love declaration but that he asked me to be his girlfriend, I know he can't love me and it must be confused with lust, but the girlfriend thing was crazy.

I don't think it's that helpful to downplay @bangheadhere40's gut feelings here. She posted whilst with Mr Smile that things didn't feel right. He's not messaged since dtd. Personally I never send the first message after we have had sex the first time. Again it's my insecurities, but I need a man to reach out to me after sex and tell me he wants to see me again. I think that's is quite a standard protocol that a man messages a woman after sex to say he had a great time and would like to see her again?

@AverageGuy I very nearly sent a follow up message as I was driving myself crazy, but was so glad I resisted. It’s so easy to do!

@bangheadhere40 gut feelings are often right, but not always - try to chill and hopefully he’ll be in touch soon. It’s easy to assume the worst, but often the reality is different.

Will post an update on my upcoming dates later when I’m home as it’s a pain typing it all out on my phone

Please don't accept any crumbs Mr smile night throw you now @bangheadhere40 When he replies you will be so grateful to hear from him. Take time to consider his message and what he says before you reply.

The thing is we had agreed to see each other this week, well still have - he hasn't actually cancelled ( yet), which was why I reached out. That was arranged thought before DTD.

@bangheadhere40 Aye I think adding it to the 'I love you', weird vibe over the weekend, not organising dates etc it adds up to something off at the very least. When did you leave and has he not messaged you at all since?

@supercali I left this morning, I would have hoped he would have messaged me to at least check I had got home okay after driving an hour.

Woulda been polite aye

@Notcoolmum I just meant in terms of MH/alcohol issues really but yes, Mr Ad has never played games with me.

@bangheadhere40 I had similar happen to me. I can't post too many details but the guy pursued me and pursued me. He told me he was falling in love with me. I told him it was hormones. He paid for a ridiculous night, I mean we're talking nearly £1000 for us to shag. Date 3. We did. It was mediocre. His messaging faded. He told me he wasn't interested anymore. I think some men/people get confused themselves. They confuse lust/hormones with feelings. Once they've DTD and the hormones calm down they realise it's all a bit much and back off. My reaction? I was upset but also... what kind of an idiot spends all that money anyway. If anyone is interested I'd love to say what it was but I bloody can't! I had no idea that's what we were doing either. Anyway it happens. If your gut is saying it's done then it is. And you went off him yourself last night. DO NOT FORGET that!!!!