Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

bangshead glad you are ok

@Marlboroandmalbec34

It was fun to start with and I do enjoy talking to him

But you're right it isnt doing my mental health any good to have this happen.

@unambiguousbeard Yeah, Mr SAS was kind of named after the dude from that show! One of his profile pictures was of him doing a mud run, in a lake with a wet top that was clinging to him. He also had the beard and physique. No wonder I wasted 5 months on him

@Notcoolmum Yes, I think my ex does regret what he did. I also think he regretted kissing someone else when I was 8 months pregnant but it didn't stop him doing it again 10 years later (but worse). Sadly, I think it's part of who he is and although I believe that in our own ways we will always love each other (it's been 25 years so far so I can't even remember not loving him), I just can't live like that any more and I think if he broke my heart again it would never mend. So, we are parents to our children and I know he'd be there if I ever needed him and vice versa.

@MyuMe A lot of what you say about this guy rings as familiar as Mr Ad suffers with depression/anxiety and is a recovering alcoholic. On paper he seems like the worst idea ever but he is a lovely man. He is on meds for his depression/anxiety so is managing it and he has been sober and in AA for a year.

I never expected to meet someone around my age who was completely "normal" and unaffected by life. I'm hardly that myself (see above) but the important things to me are that he is reliable, consistent, honest I never have to wonder how he feels.

With regards to social media- I don't have anything- I've never used Facebook, Twitter, Instagram- I don't have linked in as don't do the kind of job where it's needed- I have Snapchat but it's not really social media like Facebook. There's the advantage of being able to send a snap there and then to show you are the person in your pics but other than that there's nothing to show marital status etc.

I've never really wanted to use SM- I could never be bothered but this is down to security reasons these days after ex used my personal information maliciously. Personally I would also worry about the information someone from OLD would be able to get from me from Facebook or whatever- I actually don't even like them having my number til I've met them and know I want to see them again. This is partly because of things stbxh did and also one guy I went on a date with who sent lots of nasty messages after I said I didn't want to see him again. I'm really funny about who had my number- I tend to try use Snapchat where possible!

I think as long as you meet people quickly and in a safe place like a cafe / pub then you don’t need to look too much into them

Absolutely sound reasons there @LeaveBefore esp with SBEXH. I had similar with my SBXH too including pretending to be friends on SM to see my profile. The key was actually my security, and now my public information is scarce. So I guess I have double standards as I feel better if I've been able to find irons, particularly if not local and see if we have mutual friends (this has been helpful!). Also agree about the number thing and giving irons Whatsapp, I keep having to delete etc...but I do find that Tinder etc apps keep crashing so I end up doing that.

No SM in conjunction with being a massive flake is a red flag. No SM on its own is not!

@shitwithsugaron he's not gonna say no!

@Jane1978xx I feel the same- i always arrange to meet them in a pub near me where I feel comfortable and it's safe too- worse that can happen is they don't turn up or don't look like their pics! If they don't have my number at that point I don't even have to worry about them trying to contact me.

I knew something was off. I sent him a quick text, he has read it but not replied as he always does....

I feel fucking stupid now if he doesn't....wow if this was his game all along how silly am I.

@bangheadhere40 you aren't stupid- he's just another one of the dicks if this is the case. I hope it isn't 💐

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn. Defo and if I felt uncomfortable I’d sneak off or go the loo while they leave so I don’t need to walk out with them. It’s never happened thou.

@bangheadhere40 he might just be thinking or something came up, is he in work ? I’m sure he wasn’t just after a shag as he went to a lot of effort keep us posted

I get the feeling he is,,he always replies instantly. Do some men really go to this extreme effort just to get sex? I hope I am wrong but I don't think I am ☹

I had an ex fly, yes fly, 40mins for a shag so yes they do. We were fwb at the time.

Hopefully he is just busy and will be back in touch soon. You aren't an idiot for believing someone was genuine. We all do that x

I can see he has read it and he is online.

Jesus,going to the extreme of asking me to be his girlfriend and all the rest. If he doesn't reply I feel an absolute fool and I must be a terrible judge of character.

@bangheadhere40 maybe he’s thinking . What did you message him ? It’s a crazy effort for a shag. I think most People could get on old and have a shag the same day with minimum effort. Maybe it was the thrill of the chase with a younger woman.

@bangheadhere40 you're no fool, people can be very convincing when they want something.

@bangheadhere40 You're not silly, it's all a learning curve. One of my favourite songs this year is called 'Life is confusing and people are insane', it seemed to sum up much of my experiences. It is baffling to any of us who have an ounce of emotional self reflection that someone should say they love you and then disappear days later. Over time it becomes apparent that someone being so liberal with declarations of love early on will generally present you with problems later.

I messages saying I had a nice weekend hope he did too and thanks. It's more that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Wow....he would have always replied by now. I feel so used and stupid really, I have a bad feeling about it unfortunately.

Sadly, it isn't just about sex (ime) there's a certain kind of ego satisfaction for some people to 'flatter you into bed'. To get you on the hook. To play the part of a dream lover/partner. A whole variety of possibilities that make no sense to the average person.

It makes no sense to me, we left it that I was going to see him on Wednesday, but we had planned that before I went this morning....

I think it must be that @supercali....an ego boost of some way. I just feel it in my gut really now, but I can't believe someone would go to that much effort for this. I am really really hurt at the moment, he may text me, but I can just feel something has changed and isn't normal.

@bangheadhere40 Feeling used is one thing, stupid - no. If he doesn't reply you can rest assured he is a class A arsehole and you won't be the only person who's fallen for it. The way I consider it is that - if someone has to flatter you, pretend boyfriend you, pretend 'I love you' to get your knickers off - what does it say about them? They're a sexual con artist, a manipulator that did an emotional smash and grab in a bid for sex. Basically - not worth wiping your shoes on. Anyway - hopefully he isn't eh?

@Jane1978xx " most People could get on old and have a shag the same day with minimum effort" - please tell me how!

@bangheadhere40 - it does seem an excessive amount of effort for a shag.. Maybe @supercali77 is right - I hope not..

@averageguy I’ve not done it myself but there’s men on there saying No strings attached looking for fun etc. And I’m sure there are equivalent women. I’ve got chatting to several men who asked to pick me up or go to their house within 30 mins. These were ones with general profiles as well.