Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I have also been on tinder most of this year and matched with total arseholes

I also went back to my FWB a couple of times.

So believe me I am still looking

Why doesn’t he want to shag you silly and drink the champagne out of your belly button, take you to nice places and make you laugh?

I know. But he isn't capable. I've been depressed and I could barely get out of bed.

Hi everyone, thanks for your concern last night. I drove back this am.

So, on Saturday everything was good, went out for a meal etc, we DTD - to be honest it wasn't as good as I was expecting ( this could just be because it's new).

He never said he loved me again....but I never said it back the first time so maybe he is watching what he says - there is also the suspicion in the back of my mind of love bombing!

Yesterday was okay, I am noticing differences though that I didn't at first, which may mean we aren't compatible....he is a lot different to me personality wise.

So I have come home, and he hasn't messaged me since! I am wondering if it is love bombing....I don't know, I just felt a little uncomfortable last night.....not in a bad way, just not really relaxed.

If this is love bombing he has certainly gone the whole hog with it!

Yeah that sounds odd. I'm glad you're safe and well, though!

@MyuMe it sounds like you are taken in by the fantasy of this relationship. He hasn't made any effort with you at all. 3 dates in months of talking. Whispering he loves you when he barely knows you. Is eager a large amount of money on him being in another relationship. He lied about moving away.
At best he's not ready for a relationship but enjoys you being at the end of a phone to tell him how wonderful he is. At worst he's in a relationship. You can't have a family with someone you see 3x a year...

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking hope you are ok this morning. Are you on any anti depressants? Do you think they might help? Your whole world has been shattered. It's no wonder you feel as you. Do you have friends/family to talk to?

@Sunshineandflipflops do you think your ex ever regrets what he did?

Omg I've just seen an ad for sas who dares wins. @Sunshineandflipflops if that is who mr sas was named for I can see why you kept going back for more!

Not caught up yet just had to say that. Think you are all seeping into my RL

@bangheadhere40. I think differences in personality and interests are fine as long as you generally have the same principals and values. And somethings it’s better to be different for example 2 disorganised people don’t go well together

@jane maybe...I am a little unsure though, and it's odd he hasn't messaged me since, at the back of my mind is love bombing which would be horrible now we have DTD.

but the sex wasn't as good as I had hoped anyway!

I'm meant to be meeting MrDrWho for dinner tmw, I feel it's a big effort on train and emphasises that he needs to keep travelling here, and he can't stay as my kids here, so I'm just taking him back to station (although he was quite happy about that and said it's one of the reasons he finds me attractive because I want to put kids first) but after everyone's support and comments here, added to him just texting over weekend about what he's doing in day increasing more (no mention of previous 'fabulous woman' comments, and generally emotionally checking out).

This morning I've messaged to ask if he still wants to meet tmw as I recognise he's emotionally checked out and it's complicated for him...I have probably self sabotaged here, but I also don't want to go out for a meal at a lovely place just to be essentially dumped. That would be crap. Am feeling very wobbly today he's replied with a nice reply about chat at lunch. Sounds like 'the talk' to me, back to square one people

Also glad you are home ok @bangheadhere40 and keep us posted if you hear. Have to say, I feel same about love bombing and then emotionally checking out once DTD, sigh.

@BackInAtLast is that what has happened with you? It's so hard to tell, how actually do you tell if that is what they are after?

In my case, we both knew it was going to be impossible due to distance, but decided to meet anyway, he drove 4 hours each way to take me out to dinner! Many really lovely chats and messages. Then another gorgeous date London...third date he stayed and DTD, pretty much after that messages start getting less emosh and just practical, had a chat about logistics (which haven't changed). Funny that happens after DTD eh!

I had essentially the opposite experience... After DTD the messaging really increased from every 2-3 days to every day for a while... I think you can interpret that either way. Either just keen on more sex, or DTD means there's now more of a bond and things are moving on. In my case I think it's just wanting regular sex, but no emotional commitment or real RS.

@bangheadhere40. It seems like it doesn’t feel right to you for a few reasons. I guess only you know if it’s worth pursuing or not.

Not on Social Media - to me that's a flaming issue for OLD generally. It's everyone's perogative to stay off it but with OLD I just wouldn't date someone without it unless I knew their friends somehow. You need some kind of context for checking they are who they say they are, that they are indeed single, I like me some social proof. No guarantee but it's better than nowt. People lie about their names too.....so you never find them unless you are the super suspicious type. (This has happened to me, lied about name so could not find on SM - I got suspicious and found his real name via his phone number. He had a GF)

Yep @supercali77 agree...if they are using OLD I agree. A couple of irons who didn't use SM at all turned out to be not what they seemed at all. Though I'm all for social media breaks, but totally want to check out they are real...also check LinkedIn.

Wow this thread moves fast. Welcome newbies!

@MyuMe - I think you need to cut and run. He's playing you in some form.

Can someone remind me what sex is please? it's been a while..

I met with my XW at the weekend - we still have a good relationship, and see each other fairly regularly. I was expecting it to be about the business (she does my books) or the kids or something, but it turns out she is close to a nervous breakdown, and has had suicidal thoughts...

She is seeing the doctor, and has contact with some sort of charity that is offering support.

I have no idea how to deal with this. She could have been like this for years apparently, and it would explain the lack of intimacy, and some other things . I'm not going to abandon her - If she needs help, I'll be there - but, being slightly selfish, this could really stuff up any chance of me dating for a while..

On the dating front, Miss Barber was supposed to message me at the weekend to confirm this weeks date, and I've heard nothing... Should I message, or would that come across as being pushy?

@supercali77

I'm not horrified by someone who doesn't want to use social media. FB and Instagram are utter shite.

We had a laugh on our first date as i had my passport with me for something else and I was very protective of my handbag knowing it was in there.

We ended up swapping ID for a laugh because I mentioned my passport was there. I saw his driver's licence and address. Checked electoral role etc.

@AverageGuy just message her to confirm, nothing to lose!

Also checked out LinkedIn. Above board and is who he says he is.

@AverageGuy That sounds really hard with your XW. I'm sorry to hear that. RE: Miss Barber - I don't think that's pushy at all.

@shitwithsugaron yeah, I get that some people just don't have it. As I said, if i somehow knew or met their friends, or we had some common connection, then that's also fine. I'd also meet for the first time without SM. It's more about investing beyond an initial couple of dates without some context ya know?. My experiences of people without SM are just quite bad so....

@MyuMe It's not about whether they're good or bad platforms. I'm utterly fine with people not wanting to use them. I'm not ok with investing a lot of time and energy in someone i'm interested in a potential relationship with without some kind of context. As I say - meeting friends... Also fine, mutual connections I can check, fine.... The problem without any of that is that all you have is their word for their relationship status (especially at long distance!). And if i've learned anything from OLD - it's that words are cheap

average sorry to her that. Sounds tough. Great that your supporting her. Just text Ms Barber. Nothing to lose.

myume dating should be fun. A new relationships should make you happy. This all seems a bit bloody miserable for you. Surely you are worth more?