Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@myume I think you’ve fallen for the fantasy but that’s not the reality, I’d run, block and move on, harsh but...

Iron update from me as it’s been busy!
Mr walking - date on Wednesday, I think he’s very keen and I’ve told him to cool it a few times but he’s listening and when he relaxes and isn’t trying so hard he’s nice if that makes sense, I’m hoping I can get a better read on him in person.
Mr 70 miles - lots of messaging, but I think we’re heading into the friend zone so all good I think he’s a bit too wholesome for anything else
Mr tai chi - not sure yet, he’s nice but a little one sided
Mr jet lag - I should block him, he’s a dreadful flirt and has pushed the line a few times, but he’s local and I really fancy him so I’m keeping him in my sights in case I just need a shag!! But also being very wary and clear about boundaries!

@NoMoreWeepingAndWankingoh bless you, can you leave a hall light on, or a tv if you have one in there? Nights like that are no fun

@MyuMe

I’m an avoidant like this guy you have been talking to
Usually there is just too much going on and a RS is too much hard work
By hanging around you just make it harder on yourself in the long term. This guy isn’t going to suddenly become fixed with the love of a good woman he has a lot of shit going on, and you are only getting some crumbs
Move on for sure

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking can you maybe take a hot drink to bed, hot water bottle, anything that's comforting? Listen to some music, or a podcast maybe to distract yourself?

We're here too 💐

NoMore I do have a lot in common with you as I was very much where you are now at your age to be honest, at this stage I was in a similar situation.
I found the sex was sleazy because it didn’t mean anything. It was scratching a very small itch when internally I was a huge big wound. People are telling you that you need to heal because you really do. And I don’t think you will find peace and happiness in Mr Pilates. If it’s not making you happy then don’t do it.
I’m sorry you are feeling alone. I never sleep in the dark and I feel better now the dog sleeps on my bed too

nomore could you get a duvet and make a bed on the sofa. Put something you love but know word for word on the tv quietly? See if you drift off. Sleep helps. As my great granny used to say (apparently) “it won’t always be dark at 6”

Thank you all. I honestly don't know how I would have got through the last four months without you.

Just watching sense and sensibility in Netflix with the cats. Might see if a dreamie or two would persuade one of them to join me in bed

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking which version is that, the one with Alan Rickman? He's so lovely in it

Yup. Emma Thompson is far too old. Most of them are but I still love it

Me too, he's the best thing in it though.

I mean is it bad that I had a crush on Snape when watching Harry Potter? 😂

@Menora how did he manage to have a relationship before me then? She cheated though he said.

I always get the rubbish and messed around.

He seems to have quite low self esteem too.

I don't want to sleep now either. Feel crappy having my fears confirmed.

I still have my light on. Maybe some comforting kids TV for the other poster who can't sleep.

Also I agree although I had a fwb for a bit. It was fine he was nice. But there were times I came away feeling used.

There's nothing wrong with an Alan Rickman crush 😍 I think I properly fell for him when I watched Truly, Madly, Deeply. Sigh. Only he and Tom Sellick could ever properly pull off a mustache.

Oh my goodness, I feel 18 again ... spending all day in bed (though I did slip downstairs for mugs of tea rather than alcohol, we are middle aged ) . Another long week awaits, thank goodness for unlimited minute call plans! I'm getting so much cheek from my DD2 who thinks it's hilarious that her elder dsis and dm are both moping about all week!

MyuMe: It will sting but just leave. Why on earth do you want all that ambivalence dumped on you?

@MyuMe how did you arrange a first meet with a fwb?

@CheesecakeAddict if you've never met this guy then he isn't a fwb, he's a hook up.

the clue is in the name : friend with benefits.

Mine was someone I dated a few times and didn't continue. No hard feelings though so we occasionally meet up have a drink and sleep together.

Mine developed naturally.

@Racecourse72 god knows.

Because when he is good he is great. He was whispering I love you down my ear when we met.

I hate how that we have a great time and then it's like it never happened.

I have called him out on it as i was upset and he said he was genuinely sorry and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me.

He said he backed off to sort himself out.

It's hard for me as he doesn't seem the type to say something that isn't true at this stage. There is no benefit in it.

Reasons I've had in the past for breaking up with me:

I don't love you
I'm not head over heels for you
I don't think we have anything in common
I don't see us having a future

All brutal but actually good as I knew they didn't feel it for me and it was hopeless and so moved right on.

This guy has never said its personal to me.

He has always said that he really does like me, he feels a strong connection to me, he thinks we are very similar, we have so much in common, etc.

He says the issue is his mental health right now. He has been so bad that he was barely leaving the house.

But you're right the ambivalence isn't doing me any good. I've been feeling quite low especially after meeting him and it going so well

MyuMe: I am sorry to hear all of this for you. I think it’s very difficult as yes, of course there are always better moments and memories. Everyone is struggling with all different and often painful experiences. I am an empathic person. I continue to throw myself in there and meet up with the odd date but I don’t wish to have any more pain. If you can bear to keep some distance and just chat you’ll keep a little part of yourself back but offer him the best side too.

@Racecourse72 that is what I have been doing.

Just chit chat and being positive about my life when I do speak to him.

I am a very empathetic person. I also have my own issues from childhood whereby I had to be there for everyone else.

I guess it feels natural

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking hope you slept ok?

@bangheadhere40 how are you doing this morning? Hope it felt less weird or you coped, time to have a good long think?

Thanks to everyone for your advice so far with ItalianGuy. He ended up coming over yesterday and we talked for hours, and realised there was a lot of miscommunication the night before. His English is great but we were both exhausted and we both thought the other was saying something they weren’t.

Turns out we were both happy with things the way they were - casual but not sleeping with other people - he assumed that if he wasn’t falling in love with me by week 5 I wouldn’t want to keep seeing him.

I think he has some big emotional issues to work on - but all I want is what we have right now, I’m recently divorced and not necessarily ready for a super serious relationship either

And the sex is honestly the best either of us have ever had. Long may it continue

@MyuMe

What he is doing is hooking you in by showing you or telling you there is hope he will change for you. Which is why you are hanging around. But there is no hope because either he cannot be bothered to make the effort or he just cannot do it. If he is broken from his last RS then it seems you are just getting his broken parts and why would you want that? He doesn’t want to be alone so he has given you something small to cling to, but then he can’t follow through
I think you may be holding on to sunken costs as you feel like if you just wait a little longer it will change but it’s been a year, he’s not going to change and suddenly come to you with open arms. If he has MH issues then this is probably just what he is like at this time of his life and this may not change for a very very long time if ever
I work with doctors and they are not always good family people. In the meantime are you really meeting new people and giving yourself a true chance at finding someone who can make you happy?

@myume there are people who will string you along and keep you 'on the bench' for backup, ego strokes, chats, sex. You offer them an out and they dont take it but they remain ambivalent about progressing. The usual label for that is emotionally unavailable. Also, sob stories when you decide to cut it off. I'm not saying the depression/job issues are an outright lie, but he is cracking these out each time you retreat. Sorry, I've been here before with a man I saw regularly for months. (Some revelation about difficulties each time I tried to break it off, they were true but I never once saw evidence of him being traumatised by them besides when I tried to cut it off)

How are you sure he isnt seeing someone?

Tbh, everything you describe sounds like a manipulative man rather than a depressed one. But then, I am cynical based on previous experience.