Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

My ex father of my DC had a new serious GF within a month

His friendship group were all coupled up. None of them are still together 10 years + later though

Oh and my iron updates-

So Mr Wings and I are hopefully rearranging for Tuesday.

Mr Spanners mentioned maybe meeting tomorrow night- better get car park snog this time...

Mr Cheekbones has still been messaging and said about Wednesday but I bet he pulls out. He's way too good looking- far prettier than me. I've been googling male model pics to give you all some idea of what he looks like 😂

And a new iron- Mr Sharkbite- good looking, fit body, really nice conversation- seems more of a gent than most I meet (although tbf all of the above aren't bad). Can he possibly be real?! Anyway he's mentioned going for a drink on Saturday.

I’ve got Mr Dreams which the chat has died a bit sadly

Mr History - he is interesting I might try chat to him tomorrow. I messaged him last so leaving it for now if he doesn’t have much chat

And Mr 40miles. He is really really funny so far and I like chatting to him. He has a lot of good chat

Ok it is user1469190646 with a new name.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

This might be quite long so maybe I will edit it and can fill on gaps later.

I matched with a man a very long time ago. Almost a year.

To clear up early on: he is who he says he is. He isn't married. I've done the background checks!

We hit it off instantly. We had so much in common and could talk for hours.

But it was all virtual. He didn't meet me early on because he was away for a few weeks but when he came back he was supposed to meet me.

Only he didn't. To cut it short: that was the first stage of him moving 100+ miles away for a minimum of 6-9 months. He hadn't told me this because he was scared I wouldn't talk to him any more. I was not impressed and said so and he really apologised said he liked me and that it would have to be long distance for the first few months but he still very much wanted to meet me.

He was only 2 hours away so I agreed. We continued to talk and got on well.

Trying to cut it short he had a habit of not being so talkative and being flirty and vanishing.

Then it came out He had been unhappy in his career for a couple of years.

His new contract was worse than the last. He was bullied by management. He has had anxiety all his life and he told me he has always been a bit of a wreck.

He sunk into depression and for the last few months has been partially off work, on medication and having therapy. I let him alone. Occasionally sent a how are you message.

I was a bit upset as we had established we wanted the same things in life. We're open to a family, have so much in common.

I gave him so many outs that he did not take. I said to him does you not meeting me tells me what I need to know. He always said no, for what it is worth he still wants to meet me when he has recovered bit.

We finally met after several months when he was doing a bit better and the chemistry was there for real. No awkwardness and we got on so well. Holding hands and flowing conversation.

We on 3 lovely dates and he asked me the right questions as if planning a new future.

He was offered a new permanent job much closer to me. He even said you can commute to your job from here.

Only after being offered the job he had a nervous breakdown and suffering anxiety over starting it. He apologised to me for this.

I asked him if he wanted to meet again and he was noncommittal saying he didn't know what he was doing over Christmas.

I put my cards on the table and said I think you know how I'm going to have to take that.

Bottom line is he really does like me he said but is struggling with anxiety and depression and he backed away as he knows he needs to sort himself out.

He apologised for upsetting me.

Now how it has been left is if I message him he will reply instantly and We will have a bit of a chat.

He has told me where he is living in new job and address but still seems quite down.

What would you do with this?

Sorry that was long.

@MyuMe run for the hills is what I would do.

I know that can come across as harsh but tbh for me- I don't really know why continue something that as you say for months was just virtual- he kept vanishing too? This all just sounds like waaay too much hard work.

I'd cut my losses and move on.

myume so after a year of talking you have met him 3 times? 3 dates is getting to know each other not planning the future.

All the messaging over time creates false intimacy, in reality you are strangers. If I was you I would back right off and leave him to it.
If he is depressed /anxious he may come back when he is feeling better but do you really really want to be with someone who has messed you around for a year and only made the effort to meet you 3 times?

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn I know and you're right.

But before we had met I figured he didn't actually owe me anything.

We used to message for hours. Share so much. Talk on the phone.

He would suggest things to do and then not follow through but I was like that when I was depressed years ago.

Meeting him made it worse as the chemistry was there in person. If it hadn't that would have been over for me.

He has never said I am the issue. In the past when things have ended they've been honest and said I'm not head over heels for you and don't see a future.

He has always said he really does like me but he has to make every effort to get through the day.

I can't decide if I just take it at face value that he likes me as he says but is really struggling at the moment.

Ive given him the opportunity to say he doesn't want to pursue this anymore andI was fine with it. He never takes it

@MyuMe
I agree, cut and run..
Would you be happy and fulfilled with this long term? In my mind, if you carry on, you will be signing up for this to continue and basically condoning it. Is that fair on you and what you want?
I would be concerned about the vanishing and changing circumstances etc..

I think I've got myself involved in a fwb situation 🙈. This was not the idea but maybe it's time to brush off the cobwebs. Tell me to for it 😂🙈😳

ooh @CheesecakeAddict
Is that what you'd like?
If so - go for it!!

@Marlboroandmalbec34 do you mean back right off as in go NC?

I have already backed off alot.

I hardly speak to him now.

I have enough self respect that there are no circumstances in which I am going to chase him, ask him out again.

@MyuMe this is why it's never a good idea to talk for ages before meeting imo. Anything until you meet is completely unreal, just virtual. It's wasted energy- I like to meet people quickly to see how things are in person.

He's messed you around- been flaky- and sounds like he has poorly managed anxiety and depression. All of those things would have me running. (Btw I've suffered from anxiety/depression myself and would never rule someone out as partner for it but not when they aren't managing it).

Meeting someone and getting to know someone is supposed to be fun- none of this sounds like fun to me

@Undecidedsofa changing circumstances are not a concern to me.

He is a doctor doing locum contracts and now taking a perm position.

I'm actual fact when I did a Google search about how NHS staff were treated I thread from here came up in the search engine and so many NHS staff on here: anyone from doctors down to support staff were saying they literally couldn't cope anymore under the strain.

Depression and mental health problems are rife in this profession so I had more sympathy.

Actually that was wrong for me to say poorly managed as it sounds like he's trying to do stuff about it- and fair play to him for doing so.

But it doesn't sound like he's in the right place for a relationship with these things to consider.

@myume it seems like he’s using you as support and maybe an ego boost. He does probably like you too but he’s putting in no effort

@CheesecakeAddict go for it. It works for me and actually better as we are good friends with no judgement so I feel I can totally be myself rather than trying to impress someone. You also get your own space without needing to explain

@MyuMe
I meant in terms of arrangements being suggested or arranged and not following through.
I agree that those in the medical profession and under inordinate amounts of pressure and strain and the levels of anxiety and depression are rising.
I guess it is whether you would happy to have this as a starting point and foundation for anything moving forward; as others have said, you don't really know him yet and as leave mentioned it doesn't seem like fun/ a good place to start.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn I would normally agree

I was always meet me soon or I'd not bother but this has changed my mind.

So.many times I've exchanged a few messages with men and then met and it was really awkward talking to a random person

I found talking for so long better in the end because when we finally met we had so much to say and things to build on in person

I've suffered anxiety and depression in the past too. But you're right his is lifelong.

I haven't said about the good bits: he is funny, sweet, loads in common, we have amazing conversations that meander all over the place.

So let him alone and move on is all I can do I guess.

@MyuMe I think you've maybe just met the wrong people in the past!

If I'm getting on with someone then we've always had plenty to say in person even if we only just met online a few days before or whatever.

I just think it sounds awfully hard work and agree with @Jane1978xx that he hasn't made much effort.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn

Actually that was wrong for me to say poorly managed as it sounds like he's trying to do stuff about it- and fair play to him for doing so.

Yes. When I was giving him an out and suggesting that maybe he wasn't interested he detailed what he was doing to feel better: medication, reduced hours, private therapy, time off. He said he didn't want to drag me into his depression and he was sorry.

I suppose a lesser man would have been meeting me at weekends and sleeping with me without it meaning anything but the vibe I got from him was that he didnt want to drag me into it and he said he wanted to meet when he recovered.

But it doesn't sound like he's in the right place for a relationship with these things to consider.

Yes he actually said he backed off from meeting again as he knows he needs to sort himself first.

Be wary of the sunken cost fallacy. You don't have to keep plugging away at this just because you've already spent so much time on him already. I would leave him to it, tbh. Easier said than done, obviously.

@Undecidedsofa

You made a very good point when you said:

"I guess it is whether you would happy to have this as a starting point and foundation for anything moving forward; as others have said, you don't really know him yet and as leave mentioned it doesn't seem like fun/ a good place to start."

In terms of a starting point, yes it is meant to be fun and no this isn't ideal at the start.

However in person there was none of this. No talking of misery and it was just really fun being with him

I had a relationship a few years ago in which we talked for a few weeks before meeting, it was amazing from date 1. A real whirlwind romance. No negativity, no red flags. The great start meant nothing 2 years later when he left me and I found out he'd been cheating. They're married now.

Thank you for your help and for taking the time to reply.

Just to make it clear to you I wouldn't accept this under any other circumstances. Someone messing about and not meeting ...well they'd usually be gone.

It's the issues with depression that meant I made some allowances.

@CheesecakeAddict I say go for it too. I had one a while ago. It worked for me because I didn't have any feeling for him.

It was fun. Nice meetings and no expectations.

@MyuMe I think @PerfectPretender makes a good point about the sunken cost fallacy.

I think we all have different limits of how much we are prepared to invest and what our expectations would be so you've got to do what feels right for you. I think I'm the past I'd have viewed it differently but now- is immediately move on and not really have anything else to do with him.

I don't know if it's just being so low but the sex, which I was fine about previously, suddenly feels seedy and I'm unsure.

Tbh I'm in the frame of mind where everything feels wrong and unpleasant. I should probably go to bed but I don't want to be in the dark in my bed.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn yes I think I will.

Maybe he will crop up later maybe he won't.

But I've thought of the worst case scenario for this ending and that is enough to make me leave it now.