Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@bangheadhere40 I echo what everyone else said, even if you do stay tonight please think carefully before seeing him again give yourself some space.

@Menora good advice, I worry I’m jumping too soon stbx only moves out in October but we’ve been separated, separate rooms for over 18 months and hadn’t had sex in years before that. So I don’t want to wait, I’m good with who I am and where I am I don’t need someone I’d just like some company, what happens happens... then I think what am I doing I shouldn’t be dating he’s only been gone three months!!

Mr Ad isn't perfect and I think some of you would have run a mile but I just knew there was something worth getting to know him for and I'm glad I did.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking I have been holding off saying anything but some of what you say worries me a little, especially when you are so recently out of your marriage.

I know everyone is different but I didn't even think about dating until 6 months after my marriage ended and even then it was a bit too soon. Those 6 months were so hard but I faced my hurt head on and let myself grieve for the life I thought I was going to have. I took comfort in friends and had counselling and put everything I had into my kids. I'm not saying for a second you don't but please allow yourself to heal properly. You won't find what you need in the arms of someone else until you do.

@Menora I'm starting to feel defective. Everyone I know who has separated has now got into a relationship with someone. Including my ex. I just saw a knob head ex iron on FB parading his new GF and thought, Christ, even he can find a relationship and I can't. So many posters on here manage to find someone new within days/weeks of heartbreak. I look out there, there's nothing and no one I'm interested in.

Hello. May I join you?

I have been reading this for a bit without being a member and decided to join.

I have a situation with a man I met online and I'm not sure how much detail to put on or what have you.

I think what makes being single better for me is remembering that I would much rather be on my own forever than stuck in an awful toxic relationship.

Two years ago that was me. Stuck in an abusive, awful marriage that I was desperate to escape from and I could see no way out- I honestly believed that was it for me. It took a dramatic series of events for me to get away but I'm so relieved that it all happened.

I will never, ever allow that to happen to my or my DC again. The lonely nights where I wish for cuddles with FWB are at least balanced by my relief at going to bed when I want to, without be sexually harassed and bullied by stbxh. I would rather never have sex again than ever live like that.

No one is defective for being single!

I would rather be single than lower my standards and be in a relationship with someone who isn't right for me. So many people 'settle'- being single is far better than that!

bangshead I’m also concerned you are somehow been railroaded. What do you want? Hope you’re ok? Stay safe.

nomore there is no rush. Take some time out. Reconnect with friends. I couldn’t even consider old until 9 months and am only now doing it properly with boundaries in place and a sense of self worth. 21 months since split

Messaging Mr Fact. He is such a dreamboat. Out on Friday. Was planning a show but tickets sold out so he has booked something else instead. Exciting! Asked for a clue and he said music. Will now be searching the whats ons

It’s really really normal to feel like you are defective - you have just come out of something traumatic so the natural resolution your brain goes to is try to create something perfect with someone new and almost erase the pain
Getting over someone by getting under someone else is not true and doesn’t work 😂
So all the people you see on FB are just shagging someone new but nothing has changed and they will just slowly unpack all their horrible baggage into the new RS. They don’t have anything better than you - they actually are just faking it until they make it

Oh I agree @LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn and I think that's probably why I'm not finding anyone to even meet. My standards are higher than they were when exH first moved out, I'm warier. I don't want to get involved too quickly. And men of my age are just... not generally great. I don't mind being single which is why I'm not jumping into anything. But sometimes I look around and think, oh! Is it me???

Yes leavebefore exactly that!

Welcome user... please change your name. What’s happening? If you have been reading you will realise we over share.

I moved on quickly from Mr SAS but I wasn't heartbroken...just a little bruised.

I was heartbroken when my marriage ended. That has taken me a long time to move on from and in complete honesty I'm not sure I'll ever be 'over it'. I was planning on spending the rest of my life with that man and I loved him more than anything in the world. I know we're over though so I want to let myself be loved by someone else and I have and it feels lovely. Part of me will always love my exh and that's ok. I'm ok with that.

No it doesn't work for me @Menora it's what I did throughout my 20s and 30s and I suspect exH was a rebound, get under someone thing. I'm surrounded by happy families, my kids are still young so people haven't split up yet, and it can make you feel defective.

Also I spent a couple of years so full of joy and positivity that I was free of ex. Fast forward nearly 3 years, I'm still stuck in the family home with no real sight of moving soon, ex is loved up (good luck to her) I can't get a divorce, he still has me by the balls and Xmas was bloody hard and I'd like someone to give me a hug sometimes.

Marlboroandmalbec343 I will try and change it now and then post.

Yes you seemed like really open people. Back in a sec.

@Stuckinarut79. I went on my first old date 2 months after my husband left but Similar to you separate rooms and no sex for years.

My situation was different because I was so glad to be away from stbxh. So within weeks of the split I jumped into bed with my neighbour (the dickhead one). Thing is, because I'd gone through such a lot of stress, and because we had such a lovely evening and he was filthy and sexy the feeling of it was all quite addictive and I fell for him, or I thought I did anyway. Was devastated when he subsequently wasn't interested. I couldn't feel the same chemistry on all the other dates I went on and thought that was how it would always be. Then FWB came along....

My point is when you are raw, you're all over the place. You don't judge things sensibly or rationally and emotions are heightened. It's never a good time to look to jump into a relationship- I don't think you can honestly see what a person is truly like in those circumstances.

nomore i can only agree with what others have said. it's so soon after the collapse of your marriage. Mr pilates is offering sexual intimacy that doesnt demand anything of you beyond the evenings you have spare. I feel like only now - 2 years out. I'm genuinely over my ex. As much as I wanted to find 'someone' I genuinely dont think I had it in me to form a relationship or fall in love. Disillusionment takes a while to heal from.

marlboro chuffed to bits for you!

sunshine yeah that would bother me too being a 'doer' especially in someone else's house, even someone you love, theres only so long you can move about quietly and watch telly. Hopefully he gets it sorted. A friends husband was continually sleeping when he first went on ADs.

bangshead hes moved fast and its moving fast which is cool if you want to move fast as well. Obvs something isn't quite fitting. As long as you feel safe. Mind I have done it before where I've had a few drinks but stopped, eaten, and actually left at 2am+. Something about sleeping over when something doesnt feel right .....I just couldnt do it

And when I go on the apps there is no one who I feel is good enough or able to give me that bloody hug!!

Sorry that was a massive cross post.

@bangheadhere40 hope you can leave. 2 nights is a lot. I've been known to cycle home at 2 am rather than sleep next to someone who is essentially a stranger.

@shitwithsugaron I'm the same about FWB (I really shouldn't call him that as it's not really what is was)- I'm over it but I still have feelings for him and sometimes when funny things happen I'm so so sad that I can't text him and tell him about it. We used to share so much with eachother all the time.

On a couple of occasions I've come close to texting him and saying 'I really miss being your friend' but it's not a good idea at all and I won't do it. It would cause a whole lot more heartache.

It’s also tempting to want to show your ex what they could have had/what they are missing

So need to ask yourself if you are just trying to prove something to people

IDGAF about absolutely what anyone else thinks of me anymore which means I’m pretty carefree, except for being an avoidant asshole

@unambiguousbeard you sound exactly like me.
My exH found someone new very quickly.
I had a lovely group of single friends but they've all found someone new so I hardly see them anymore.
Day to day I'm generally happy with my life. But it's hard not to feel like there's something wrong with you when no one seems to want a date never mind a relationship with you.

And if one more person says "you never know who you might bump into", then I think I'll scream!

I was single for about 3 years after I split from my exh, I felt like I didn't know who I was, he had lied to me and been emotionally abusive ..I had become his version of me if that makes sense, because I had put on a front for so long. I had my friends telling me I should be dating, and why wasn't I getting out there etc - they never knew the full truth of what had been happening though. I needed to grieve and rebuild myself, it was bloody hard work, and lonely, and scary.
Then after my next relationship - 3 years long - I split up with him start of October last year, and was back into OLD about 2 weeks later.
I am still wary and have very low tolerance for BS..