Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks @Stillsexystillsingle @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt this is so good for me. I will see how weekend goes and may cancel date on Tuesday which pains me as it's a wonderful restaurant. We dtd last week and although I hate to think it, but yes he's had his cake and now the reality is setting in. The main sign in last few days has been his communication style. I will strike it to experience if it continues today...but argh I was feeling great without the endless hard work of the apps 😩 plus so enjoyed chatting and dates with him.

Am also totally hormonal having DTD first time in 9 months and started HRT this week, feeling less demonic and knackered already.

Morning everyone! I had a lovely second date last night, lots of kissing and too much vodka 🙈
Got a headache but with a smile today!

@shitwithsugaron
sorry but that made me snigger
after giving blood - would you like tea and a biscuit? Or you could have sex in the sideroom..?

Oh I thought you had lined it up for dtd last night shitwith? Glad you had a great night and you gave more dates.

nomore good for you! Also why does your stbxh get to stay over? I would put a stop to it. Can your son not go there,

supercali sounds like a great plan. Old can be hard work

backinatlast if you want to see him then do so. I was involved with Mr Big for the whole of last year and he was emotionally unavailable. He told me so many times in lots of ways that he “was unfeeling” “had never been in love” etc etc I don’t think he wanted to be that way. He would drive across the country if he liked someone and wanted sex with them. He liked going out, he liked cuddled and intimacy, he offered me lots of emotional support when I needed it BUT in the end he was still too unavailable to make it in to a relationship. To be fair I was the perfect fall back girl. Emotionally damaged by my ex. Scared to get too involved etc but I wanted dates, fun, sex, messaging. In the end though I wanted more and it was never gonna happen. I do think on some ways he was what I needed. Had I not met him I think I might have ended up throwing myself into another abusive relationship as I was desperate for validation. Instead I liked him, had sex with him, went on dates with him and also did lots of counselling / freedom programme. Now I have much better boundaries and feel ready for something real and because I never had anything “real” with Mr Big it’s easier to let him go!

Sorry for the brain dump backinlast obviously a lot of projection there 😂

I have a date next weekend with Mr Fact. Yay. I do have a child free night mid week too and was considering asking if he wants to do something. Not sure it’s quite nice that it’s slow moving and I don’t want to put pressure on or rush it but then I really want to see him (and dtd) 😜

I usually get an ok response on bumble but actually then men I have met on there all seem to have been odd/ fetish types. Tinder is better for me

Brain dump welcomed @Marlboro I feel quite similar to what happened to you with Mr Big. My marriage was abusive (coercive and financially) and last 6yr LTR seemed 'perfect' even though we didn't live together, and he split up with me. I've been in counselling since September and am finally starting to see that in a different way (even my dreams are helping with this?!) and actually the validation he gave me turned out not to be real, and I'm learning self validation is the way forward. I've been working on this with counselling and actually I feel OLD has really helped me in lots of ways this time.

A few weeks ago a friend set me up IRL for coffee date with brother of a friend of hers. Never married, no kids, 50. He didn't turn up, I text after half hour, his phone was off...then he replied to text an hour later to say so sorry he was running late and I initially thought he'd got confused about the right cafe. So I phoned him to hear that he wasn't confused about café, in fact he'd been up very late drinking with a mate and had overslept (til 1pm), he hadn't text or anything. He was gutted because he hadn't been on a date in 2.5 years no shit Sherlock. I was considering giving him a second chance when I spoke but I think all the counselling/reading these posts/not putting up with man child behaviour...I just said thanks but I don't think we're suited. He later apologised but I can't be bothered with that and wasn't bowled over when we spoke on phone either.

For anyone who saw my last post.. I did the drive yesterday and it was fine. was definitely the drive I was worried about and not him.

And I just got home 🤣🙈

Just wanted to say that I love how supportive everyone is on here..

I have had new message, a talking to 5 people, bloody confusing - Sunday seems to be the day for messaging on Match.

backinlast I think old can be a great place to practice your boundaries. I went on a date recently with a guy with a massive foot fetish. He had mentioned reflexology on messages so I called him Mr Foot on here. 1st date and it became clear it was a fetish and a big thing for him. I told him we were not suited, nice to meet you and left. A year ago I would have stayed so as not to make HIM feel awkward. I would have probably snogged him to get away and would have then ghosted him or worse gone on another date just to check if I could get over it. I felt proud of myself this time as I knew it wouldn’t work, politely told him so and got out. He sent me a message later saying it had been great to meet me and wished me lots of luck. Boundaries!!

(Not a bashing fetishes I just hate feet)

Good call there @Marlboro I had similar with an iron last year who had a lady garden fetish for topiary styles and kept on asking about mine. What started with a bold jeez that came from nowhere question, I too realised the same. Absolutely before would have done the same as you but was honest and said same. There are all sorts out there for sure!

Stbx is living in a room. And I wanted to be with my son has n his birthday.

Currently got grandparents here for family lunch. Stbx sitting on sofa cuddling son. I found myself reaching out to... I don't know. Stroke his hair or his neck or his shoulder, some casual gesture of affection and had to snatch my hand back as I realised what I was doing.

I'm so tearful atm. I just can't cope with how fucked up my life has become. I'm hiding behind the kitchen counter in the open plan kitchen because I can't get out without going past everyone.

In the plus side Mr Pilates is lovely. I explained I was feeling wobbly and he immediately suggested a walk instead and. Well. He's just lovely.

To clear things up - no relationship hopes. he's basically poly and has a couple of lovers and I don't expect anything from him beyond what he's giving. If anything he's offered more support than I ask for.

When am I going to feel ok again? I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster.

nomore your break up was pretty recent wasn’t it? I’m 21 months out and only recently started to feel like myself. I am suddenly interested in clothes again. I am having my nails done etc. I didn’t realise how low I was for a long time until I started to feel like myself. I actually lost 2 stone that I didn’t have but I’m the last 6 months I have put it back on. You're doing marvellously but be kind to yourself

4 months.
I've been trying so hard to keep my chin up and keep going but losing my job has just knocked all my defences out

backinlast 😂 honestly!

On that subject though I’m not sure what to do with my hmmm lady garden. I spent most of last year clean shaven but that kind of suited my shagging about stage. I wonder if it’s a bit much now and if I should grow some kind of bush? What pube design says sexy but looking for a relationship? 😂

nomore that’s no time! Honestly think how fragile you were when you joined this thread, It’s clear from your username

@Marlboroandmalbec34 that's made me laugh, pube style for 'sexy but looking for a relationship'

All off for me- just my personal preference.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking. You are a better woman than me to let your ex in the house. Mine walked out and I have not let him back thru the door since. I think the emotions go in waves the week before Xmas I cried all day every day. Now I feel ok but I don’t sleep. I am at least financially stable so I can’t imagine what it’s like loosing your job as well. I am sure things will get better it’s just a case of holding tight until then

It's been nine months for me, but I'd checked out mentally ages before and was just going through the motions. I don't miss him in the slightest, I'm actually more upset about losing my church community and faith system (had to very quickly recognise it was all bullshit when they supported him over me, even after he was arrested). I've got a DC with acute MH issues and I'm really struggling with my own coping mechanisms, such as trying hard not to fall back into unhealthy eating habits. January kinda sucks so far.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking you're doing better than you think.

leavebefore I could get creative and make a tiny ❤️ - too much?

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking personally I think sharing special occasions is too much too soon. It's blurring the boundaries and isn't accepting that things are different now. You feel close to him and want to reach out to show him affection. You are both still parents to your DC. But you are no longer a family in the same way.

I do worry if you are putting too much of your energy and effort into OLD. 3 months is so very new. And you have just lost your job. That's a lot to deal with. There is plenty of time to meet someone else and for some decent sex when you are a bit stronger in yourself.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 or try a vajazzle? 😂

@Marlboroandmalbec34
If I tried that then I would end up with some sort of abstract art design..
I stick with trimmed landing strip/mohawk...
Also, I have a fabulous IPL hair zapper thing - bloody marvellous; I bought it on Ebay, has been a game changer

@supercali77 I think your point about putting yourself first is a good one. I was single for 7 years after my last disastrous relationship post marriage. I've not had any time without an iron in the 15 months or so I've been OLD. After being single for such a long time I'm surprised how I had found myself sucked into drama and wanting to feel validated by an external person. If things don't work out wit Mr B I think I would benefit from staying off the OLD carousel for a while.