Dating thread 180 - Deep thoughts on attachment styles, psychology and love bombing. (Oh my!)

[PerfectPretender]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Returned from lovely night out with girls overshadowed by WhatsApp from MDrWho just before. The one where I ask if it's just me or am I getting a feeling this is t right...the things is it's totally bonkers due to distance. So we've just had a chat on phone now I'm home. I feel but bruised but it's ok. He's worried that living so far apart means it's unrealistic and is worried one of us will get hurt. My feeling is that I've had a failed marriage and a failed LTR, and actually I'm not sure what I want, I don't have an agenda, other than right now, having a great date which may include yummy sex and going out to galleries and dates at restaurants is just lovely right now. Ive tried conventional marriage, and a long term relationship and both went down the pan and I just want to be able to have a lovely time with someone I get on with that isn't a total arse MrDrWho is funny, attractive, great to talk and debate with, and has travelled from other end of country to see me. He's worried I will get hurt (as he's a man without feelings he claims)....I thought this might mean HJNTIM...but he claims not at all, but it is complicated and there are lots of barriers. I also said it's harder right now as it wouldn't be right to stay at my house with my teenagers right now (as it's new)...but I said obviously if things carry on that won't always be the case but I want to protect kids as they became attached to ex partner and his kids and I don't want to do all that until a stage where it's more serious. He said that's one of the things he liked about me that I thought like that.

We have a date at a gorgeous restaurant in my hometown on Tues and are both looking forward to it. Am I kidding myself/him...? I just feel like it's too early to turn round and say actually you live too far away, unless I don't fancy him enough, or vice versa. I oh I don't know. I have a PhD in overthinking...he's told me about what trains he's getting now so all good. I probably need sleep!

Oh god I'd rather message the thread than Mike from Bromley. I don't think I can do this again. It's time consuming and tedious.

Poor mike unambiguous 😂

backinlast I am a massive over thinker but I would be worried about the “man with no feelings” thing. When people tell you are, listen (and other cliches) what happens if you get feelings for him?

@BackInAtLast his comment 'he's a man without feelings' is key here. He is telling you he isn't emotionally available. Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and listen to what he is telling you.

Well done @EchoElephant I think the fact he didn't ring you says a lot.

I have got replies off bumble but realise only one date was from bumble. And it was someone I had met years ago through GSM. Both Mr S and Mr B went on bumble when we broke up though. Tinder has been my best source of dates though.

Omg. That is the most fun I have had in a cinema ever. Ever ever. We ripped the piss out of the star wars film and got incredibly handsy and now I'm sitting in my car with damp knickers cursing the fact we couldn't do anything about it.

Fun fun fun. So much better than moping at home with stbx. Phew.

Hm yes thank you @Notcool and @Marlboro I raised an overthinking eyebrow here. Along with one of the points on the intro list...the reasons you think you have problems will be the reason you split up. Has been true for both exes thus far. And my feeling is that the distance (on the purely non emotional side) is that thing. However heart also says heh, how fab to have met a lovely guy and why not just see what happens. He already works in London and rents a place there and my hometown isn't an enormous jump from that, and in future he could also stay here....as he said he's looking forward to talking more on Tues.

My thought is if he is so emotionally unavailable, why did he drive all the way from the other end of the country to take me out to dinner and then drive home again, and has made such huge efforts...?

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking oh that's such a great update and a fabulous improvement on your SBXH...when are you seeing him again?

Glad it went well @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking why is your ex staying over?

@BackInAtLast why is he telling you he is a man with no feelings? He's setting the ground work down for something there. Do listen.

It's a huge red flag yes @Notcoolmum, it's difficult to know if a throw away thing but I will see how Tuesday goes. Thank you for helping to raise my guard here!

I had a guy tell me he had a cold heart, out of the blue. We had one nice date and he ghosted me a week later. Definitely listen when they say stuff like that.

Ex is staying so he can be here for DS' birthday I think. And so I could go out. So I did. Haven't made plans with Mr climber. It's all casual. We did message when I got back though

Oh jeez I missed loads in a week. Someone catch me up!

So speaking to another iron. Last night we got to the stage of swapping numbers and then I fell asleep. He sent me 3 messages then an hour later just message saying "it takes a while for people to go off me, that was fast". Is it me, or is that a bit dickish? I'm actually tempted to block him after that, I mean surely I can't be constantly available to chat... Or am I BU?

Sounds very positive @shitwithsugaron

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking what sort of arrangement do you and your ex have if he stays over and you aren't sure why? Did you invite him? Do you want him to stay over?

I have dated a doctor who said he was emotionally unavailable. He dumped me. Distance apparently. Self centered. Why is he travelling to see you? He’ll have his cake.

My ex husband said he "didn't do empathy". He was right and it was a big factor in why our marriage failed.
Mr FO pushed me away twice when things got tough in his life. He did it a third time and I'd had enough. I'm a bit frustrated today that I had to leave a voicemail and couldn't tell him person.
The cliché about people telling you who they are, is spot on.

Bumble, I've never had a date from there in 5 years of using it on and off.

CheesecakeAddict definitely dickish behaviour by him. When you didn't reply to his first message then he should've just left it. No need to send three messages, then follow up with another when you don't respond. He will probably make you feel like you have to reply quickly to his messages or tell him why you aren't available.

@BackInAtLast sadly what's been said by others is (ime) spot on. He'd travel for fun, sex, etc but don't expect anything more. Offhand comments are as telling as deliberate ones

@echoelephant so bloody glad you've stuck a nail in that. Keep it there! He's flaky, inconsiderate, and seemingly doesnt give a shit about messing your feelings about

Re bumble I had a few dates off there, I actually paid for bumble....it made it easier. I'd go through the list of people who swiped right and remove people I didnt like and then sequentially message the ones I did. That way if they didnt answer I could swiftly swipe right on the next. If a chat got going I wasnt juggling chats which often meant (on tinder) i would let some chats drop. It was a pretty successful strategy

I think the thing about men swiping right on everyone (as a rule of thumb) is true of both bumble and tinder so you need volume

Re my dating life atm. Mr sailor who I'm still not sure about ... I really like some aspects but others I wonder if we're compatible. Hes away at sea a month and back a month which suits me. Hes just got back and we're fucking off on a mini break next weekend. Boom or bust I think for that. If it doesnt work out I'm out of the game for a while.

I spent FAR too long giving potential romantic partners headspace last year. Became an expert in emotional unavailability both from them and me, had an incident that involved the police (it's being dealt with and dont worry it wasnt an assault), and this year I have other aims like career, making sure my DD is ok (difficulty at school). If I prioritise my career then between childcare and work the perfect partnership for me is pretty unconventional. Going to give this 6 mo (focus on self) and see what's what. Sorry for the ramble. Thinking out loud

@CheesecakeAddict red flag alert - man with control issues - run!!!!
@BackInAtLast also a red flag alert of a man with control issues although he's being more subtle about it, he's playing you, he's trying to set you up for a relationship which is all about him and his needs and nothing about you and your needs, where he can treat you however he likes and leave whenever he likes. Sorry. Btw I want exactly what you want, someone to go out and do things with and stay in and have sex with, but, who's also emotionally available, it doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but most men seem to go on like you're asking for the moon on a stick! I don't get it so, what a difference a week makes , this time last week it was all looking good with Mr Yorkshireman, this week, radio silence I suppose it gives me the opportunity to try to figure out how to ask out Mr pep when I never ask men out but he's never going to ask me and he's not only drop dead gorgeous he's a really lovely guy too so I really do want to give this a go!

@BackInAtLast the I'm a man with no feelings comment would worry me quite a lot actually... people with no feelings are psychopaths!!! As others have said when someone tells you who they are, listen. Psychopaths do like to slip little tells into their conversations it's a form of subconscious intimidation, kind of like, you don't consciously know what you're dealing with here, but on an instinctive level, you do know. Be careful

stillsexy if Mr Pep is never going to ask you out, why do you want to ask him out? I’m all for either party doing the asking, but if one is clearly not interested, what’s the point of the other one trying?

Interestingly my ibs disappeared with my ex only put the two together recently though.
The long distance wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me but the "no emotions" would be a concern!
Glad you had a good date shitwith and so pleased you went out and had fun nomore despite the frustration

Glad the date went well @shitwithsugaron

Did you suggest going back to your place?

I met Mr Ad on Bumble and also another guy I was dating for a few weeks last summer. I've usually found I've got responses on there...no more or less than Tinder.