Dom/sub relationships

[Difflifestyle]

Hi

Myself and my partner are in a D/S relationship, Male Dom, female sub.

This is a lifestyle choice, not just the bedroom antics, harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc. We are both committed and consenting to this.

We are interested to know, if one of your family or friends told you they were doing this what would your reaction be?

@TheBlueStocking some very good friends of mine became involved in the fetish world and I met lots of their friends. We talked a LOT about their activities, I made an account on fetlife to check it out and my current boyfriend has also been involved in the fetish scene. I do know what I'm talking about.

I've seen firsthand the effects of the abusive dynamics that are played out in the guise of 'play'. Almost all the women in this circle (and several men) had been sexually assaulted, raped or injured beyond their wishes. I literally saw abusive relationship dynamics before my eyes which were normalised because it was 'D/s'.

There's a woman in my office who has slowly revealed to me she is in dom/sub relationship. He orders food for her? Of course and he feeds her, too. I've heard nothing of their sex life. This is so much more than sex. It's more like an attitude, but it's her turn-on.

She is a total control freak, very rigid in her thinking, financially independent, opinionated, smart, has a temper. She is so controlling she manipulates and controls others to be dominate over her. She holds the cards. In the workplace she attempts to control all situations so others make all of the decisions and she takes no risk, has no responsibilities for outcomes, takes no initiative - yet she is controlling everything. She founds it powerful. This is her relationship with her DH too.

She tells me she only likes strong decisive men as partners, she wants to be dominated, but she is telling the man how they will dominate her.

@CodenameVillanelle

Even if that's what you've heard, it's still anecdotal. That's not how it is supposed to work. And you only have to have a quick scroll through this board to see that that kind of abusive behaviour is in no way confined to the fetish scene. Of course you get people who are abusive. A dom/sub relationship is not automatically abusive.

How it's supposed to be

Given that 1 in 4 women experiences abuse within relationships, not to mention the fact that we live in a fucking patriarchy where abuse of women by men is literally commonplace I find it utterly bizarre that people still try to maintain that relationships which embed physical pain, control and domination in their very structure are somehow expected to be 'better', safer and less likely to be abusive than 'nilla' (vom) relationships!

I'm not that interested in how these relationship dynamics are 'supposed to be'. Fact is that a d/s relationship doesn't exist in a vacuum and men in the fetish scene are no less likely to be abusive than any other man - and they are given carte Blanche to physically and emotionally abuse vulnerable women and men.

It's not physical and emotional abuse. I really don't think you understand what you are talking about. Abuse and fetish practices are two entirely different things.

As I've repeatedly stated, you can have an abusive dynamic in any kind of relationship. It has nothing to do with sex. It's like comparing sex and rape. They are absolutely in no way shape or form comparable.

I would be incredibly pissed off that someone had dragged me me into their ridiculous and sordid sex life. I don't want to know what anyone in my family does in their private time and I would definitely think less of them if they told me about something like this.
Why the hell would I want to know this? Especially with a family member.
People who do this seem to think the whole world needs to know, we don't. We don't care.

My experience of it is that a lot of the women coming in to the scene have mental health issues and abusive relationships in their past. In some ways it's a way of trying to get that control that was taken away from them and own it, and it's a "safe" way of achieving the traumatic bonding high.

But there are a lot of predatory blokes. It should be treated as kayfabe and there's too many that treat it as real.

Abuse and fetish practices are two entirely different things.

But if you're saying it's a fetish then discussing it with friends is involving them in your sex life, surely?

Abuse and fetish practices are two entirely different things.

Not really when what you are fetishising is abuse.

Purely on a practical level it can become hard to tell the difference - for people outside the relationship and sometimes for those within the relationship as well. It can take people a long time to work out they are being abused, even in 'vanilla' relationships. Slap an enormous D/s fig leaf on it and it can take much longer.

It's an extremely handy way for abusers to make the things they are doing seem OK both to their partners and the rest of the world.

It's not abuse. It's not even similar. It's like saying that jujitsu is beating people up. Of course it's not. There might be mechanical similarities, but no one is being abused.

And no, having a gossip with your mate about your sex life is not foreplay. That's a ridiculous extrapolation.

No, I really don't like choosing what to eat. And it's my choice not to get in line with the majority of people who do want to choose what to eat

Are you able to articulate what it is about choosing what to eat you find distasteful or difficult, what is it about it that makes you dislike doing it? It's less people like choosing, and more human instinct. What is it about this that causes you not to like it?

What would I think if a friend told me this?

I’d wonder what daddy issues she has.

Are you able to articulate what it is about choosing what to eat you find distasteful or difficult, what is it about it that makes you dislike doing it? It's less people like choosing, and more human instinct. What is it about this that causes you not to like it?

I have already said. I am responsible for many high priority things in my life and I find it relaxing to not have to make a decision.

@TheBlueStocking but she wasn't having a gossip. She simply said "yes my style has changed because my husband told me to change it".
She's telling her friend she's being controlled, but not the context.

@GiveHerHellFromUs

That's down to her choice of friends. If my friend told me that, I'd be intrigued and want to know more.

@TheBlueStocking but that's because you understand the scene. Anyone who's not involved would automatically assume he's abusive, like many of us have.

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Yes, but those people are coming from a position of imagining what the situation is like. So it's rather curious that certain people on the thread who have no knowledge or experience in that respect are so insistent that they know all about it.

Why are you assuming that people on the thread have no knowledge or experience?

There have always been abusers in the 'BDSM community' - why wouldn't there be?

There are abusers everywhere. They are not specific to that scene.

Of course not but few other situations provide the abuser with such fantastic cover.

as with the many years it's taken for acceptance of LBGTQ it will be the same for lifestyles like D/s and polyamory.

Being gay or bisexual is to do with who you love or find attractive. D/S relationships and polyamory are choices people make about how they behave. They are harmful choices which indicate a very uneasy relationship with the self. So, not the same at all.

Of course not but few other situations provide the abuser with such fantastic cover.

I emphatically disagree with that conclusion. When else would you have a full and thorough discussion about likes and boundaries in advance of sex, have a stated get out clause included during the act, and have a follow up afterwards about how it went?

I'd think that you wanting others to know about your sex life/lifestyle choices (which you've linked together) was part of your kink and I'd be annoyed at being used like that. I don't want to be a prop in anyone's fantasy.
Maybe it's a poor boundaries thing though. Either way, I don't want to know.

Oh come on, BlueStocking - are you active in your local bdsm scene or only at home? In my local scene, I know of a fair number of abusive predators and some on the edge who, funnily enough, are always after the newbies or the young ones, fetish photographers who push their models into sex acts etc.

The theory is good, but in practice there are a lot of fails, and a lot of so-called dominants blow past stated boundaries "forget" them or it wasn't said the right way, do it in the name of pushing the sub's limits, or "re-negotiate" mid-scene.