Dom/sub relationships

[Difflifestyle]

Hi

Myself and my partner are in a D/S relationship, Male Dom, female sub.

This is a lifestyle choice, not just the bedroom antics, harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc. We are both committed and consenting to this.

We are interested to know, if one of your family or friends told you they were doing this what would your reaction be?

@Bluntness100

No, I really don't like choosing what to eat. And it's my choice not to get in line with the majority of people who do want to choose what to eat. If I did, I'd actually be losing my autonomy in the aim of conformity. I don't see what's liberating about that to me as a woman to be expected to adhere to cultural norms even though I don't want to.

And I'm surprised that it's not evident that submission is not a solely female trait. What about homosexual relationships? You're being very hetronormative to assume that this is a feminist issue. I know several men and lesbians who consider themselves submissive.

Fab post pencils

The only man I knew of who was apparently into the master thing gave me a bad vibe despite his charm and had an alarming number of red flags for sociopathy. I doubt it's a coincidence.

So yeah, if you tell me your partner is into that, I'm going to think inadequate, potential hidden misogyny and suppressed anger towards women. I will also worry about the potential for real abuse.

Guy I’ve been seeing for a few months is kinky. I’m more sub than Dom but he’s definitely switch and we swap roles occasionally. I’m having fun discovering I have a dominant side that I didn’t know was there. So it’s not always so cut and dried as being misogynistic.

In terms of things bleeding out of the bedroom, he gets a bit of a kick out of suggesting things for me to wear - but it’s a suggestion, not a demand. I quite like him going through my wardrobe before we go out and now picking something he think so is sexy (Though I’ve also don’t this for him). There is definitely control from me, and it also feels like a game, not reality, in that he’s often suggesting things he already knows I like, or we’ve previously discussed.

It’s not for everyone and definitely has to be done with care and consented and a lot of talking. 50 Shades has given a lot of people interest in BDSM without a real understanding...

There's this idea that because there are some relationships where the female is the dom and the male is the sub, or that there are some d/s lesbian and gay relationships, or that some people like to switch - that therefore D/s has nothing to do with misogyny or male supremacy.

You are still reproducing those basic patterns of dominance and submission which are the absolute foundation of patriarchy, no matter which of you is playing which role in your lovely fun sexy game. You are still getting off on that basic oppressive pattern.

I don't like the word 'heteronormative' because it generally means 'shut up prude, how dare you criticise my sexy choicy sex choices', but to take the term seriously for a moment, it means far more than just being straight or seeing the world in terms of straight couples. I can't think of much more heteronormative than a D/s relationship no matter who takes which role.

I have friends in this situation and a vague experience of it and have to say, I absolutely loved it. Ironically, I’ve never felt so powerful.

I’m a highly qualified professional with a stressful life and my own business, with a pretty wicked temper and I’m used to managing teams of unruly men (just for context). But something REALLY appealed about someone taking the reigns for a change and doting on me.

A real D/S relationship is of course about a power play to some degree but there are set limits and its incredibly transparent. Every single thing is discussed and parameters set on most topics or situations which is more than I can say for the dynamic in a lot of regular relationships. And it’s also great fun to be honest and with - very often - fab sex! However there is a very fine line in confusing an alternative relationship with landing yourself with a wolf in sheeps clothing who’s an misogynistic bastard.

**I will add that I think anyone who has suffered abuse, trauma in childhood, domestic violence, etc may need to tread very carefully here before entering a situation of this sort - if at all.

How can an outsider tell the difference between a woman who is being controlled by her husband as she has voluntarily surrendered control to him, and a woman who is being subjugated and abused by her husband?
And how really can the woman herself?

“ And it’s also great fun to be honest and with - very often - fab sex! ”

That’s great. Please just keep your foreplay behind closed doors and don’t involve children / waiting staff / friends etc

Great posts, pencils

That’s great. Please just keep your foreplay behind closed doors and don’t involve children / waiting staff / friends etc

That's your own opinion. I'm more than happy to talk about sexual proclivities with my friends. I find it interesting.

... but they might not be. Nor the waiting staff who have to be drawn into your foreplay over who is choosing what you eat when out for dinner. Read further up about the bystander thing ^^ it’s a really unpleasant thing to do to draw people into your sexual role play without their consent.

I don't think telling a friend about their haircut is usually considered to be foreplay.

Subs actually have more control than the Doms.

I really wish fetish people wouldn't keep trotting out this line. No they don't.

Personally I would think you're a pair of twats and I wouldn't trust your husband as far as I could throw him but knock yourselves out.

I would hate to see my kids around someone modelling that another person can decide how they dress and what they what they eat, and basically that they can delegate being an adult to someone else....

“ I don't think telling a friend about their haircut is usually considered to be foreplay.”

The fact that you choose not to understand how problematic the whole thing is (bearing in mind that other people who are involved in this sort of scene have told the OP that she needs to back off from this sort of thing), the fact that you choose to minimise the discomfort and concern of others when it comes to being exposed to this sort of relationship, tells me that actually you are someone to be avoided. You either do not understand or choose not to, and that tells me you have no interesting in safeguarding others (and possibly yourself)

@TheBlueStocking I don't know if you are be deliberately obtuse or not.

Btw these two are getting off on this thread. The reactions/insults/moralising etc It's part of their fetish.

Enjoy because they are.

@CodenameVillanelle

You clearly have no understanding of how dom/sub relationships function. Everybody knows that a healthy example of one means that the sub is in control of the situation to a greater extent. Unhealthy relationship dynamics can exist in any kind of human interaction, but this could be your partner, your sister, your boss, anyone.

@IvinghoeBeacon

I'm aware of which of my friends I'm able to discuss these things with. But there isn't a secret wink we give each other. There has to be some initiation of the topic of conversation at some point, obviously. But it's purely conjecture on your part to imagine that people are deliberately trying to talk about sex with you when you don't want to hear it.

@12345kbm

Again, pure conjecture.

If a family member said this to me I would be confused, in all honesty, it sounds hypocritical. He is the man in the relationship, he is in charge, so he should have financial control, traditionally, that would be the area most in his control. I am not suggesting you should give him this btw. It all sounds a bit creepy to me. If my DD told me she was in a relationship like this I would be very upset, she is intelligent and well educated, I would hate her to willingly have someone else make decisions for her. Ditto my best friend. Anyone else I would consider it none of my business. Someone upthread said that subs have all the control in relationships like this not the doms, how the hell does that work?

as with the many years it's taken for acceptance of LBGTQ it will be the same for lifestyles like D/s and polyamory

Please don't conflate being gay or bisexual with fetish. It's so offensive.

Someone upthread said that subs have all the control in relationships like this not the doms, how the hell does that work?

As we said in the example above about having your lunch chosen for you, it's not a case that you are told what you are having for your lunch. You choose to say, would you choose my lunch for me because I don't want to. If they choose something you don't like you say, ugh that's disgusting. And they'll choose you something else. You're merely delegating responsibility onto someone else, which you are entirely free to veto.

Then they are not choosing for you at all.

Then they are not choosing for you at all

Exactly. That's the difference between a sub/dom relationship and an arsehole who orders you around.

Tbh, if you said any of this to me irl, I'd smile, nod and giggle to myself about how embarrassed you'll be in a few months time when you've got this out of your system and you realise how much stupid personal shit you overshared when they take the piss out of you for choosing your own lunch after you've dumped your bf

Yup

It's not something you 'get out of your system'. Anymore than you're getting your sexual preferences out of your system so you can move on to hardcore bondage.