Is it over before it even began?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I met a guy at a party before Christmas and really really like him. He’s gorgeous and we have a lot in common. We have had 3 dates which ended up with us sleeping over at each other’s houses.

There is a major complication - he seemed quite anxious about me and my past relationships and asked me very direct questions about them. I answered honestly and last night he phoned to say he didn’t think he could carry on seeing me because he isn’t sure it’s going to work based on my past.

My past - I’ve been single for 18 months but not had any relationships. Then a 9 year relationship where I was faithful but my exP cheated continuously. Previous to that I was married and I ended the marriage by having an affair.

I feel like I was “punished” for my affair by how my exP treated me! I’m not a cheater - that was the only time I ever did cheat. I don’t think it should affect chances of future happiness. What do you all think? I really like this guy but it doesn’t seem to be starting well!

What is his problem? Is it the fact you were married? And you had an affair?

How old are you? When you get to a certain age, everyone has a past/baggage but maybe if you are younger people are a bit more judgemental.

I’m 42 and he’s 44. We both are single parents. I think it’s the fact that I was unfaithful. I’m surprised as I didn’t expect him to be judgemental.

Pfft. Is he really so pure? Anyway if he doesn't like it he can lump it.
His problem not yours.

To be fair I wouldn't be with someone who'd previously had an affair because I'd feel like if they'd done it to someone they'd committed to then they'd be perfectly capable of doing it to me, too.

Well, any time on here a woman posts to ask if she should trust a man who cheated in a previous relationship the universal mantra is “once a cheater, always a cheater” and that if someone is capable of being unfaithful once then they’ll be able to do it again. Whilst I don’t believe this to be true, many people clearly do, and it sounds as if this man is one of them. Quite honestly, I’d be wary of trying to pursue a relationship with somebody who thinks this way: you’ll spend your days with him accusing you of cheating or wanting to cheat and having to twist yourself around to prove that you’re faithful and altering your ordinary behaviour to show him how trustworthy you are. Not worth the hassle.

Thanks Monty27 - it is his problem for sure! My problem is just that I really really really fancy him and think there is potential for some fun and perhaps love down the line.

I just can’t understand why he would get hung up about this. Or maybe it’s an excuse because he’s not that into me. But then I don’t understand why he’d message me nice things every day, bring me flowers, say he misses me etc. It’s confusing!

Him asking such questions this early would be a red flag for me so you may have dodged a bullet

Comtessedespair- I am afraid you are right.

Giveherhellfromus - I would never ever cheat again. Not after how cheating felt, both when I did it and I experienced it on the other side. But I guess what you’re saying is the way things are so I should accept it.

Comps83 - yes you are probably right. I found it alarming but I also wondered if it was refreshing after my exP wasn’t interested in my past and this was also apparently a red flag as he didn’t want to know anything about my past because he was sleeping with other people.

Thinking about it, you're probably right.
You were married years ago so a mistake you made in your 20s shouldn't be used against you 15-20 years later.

I'm in my 20s so I see things a bit different than I will in my 40s (I know this because my views have changed a lot even in the last 5 years!)

I agree you've probably dodged a bullet either way.

Has he ever had a LTR?

I’m not a cheater - that was the only time I ever did cheat

Ah, OK, if you only cheat once, it doesn't count, is that it?

If a man had written that he would have his arse handed to him on a plate by umpteen posters. We all have preferences or dealbreakers when forming romantic relationships. He has every right not to continue to pursue this one for whatever reason, in the same way you are. Maybe he's been cheated on himself in the past and considers that as you've cheated on a previous partner, you are more likely to cheat on him than perhaps someone who has never cheated on a partner?

Shatneerswig - thanks, it’s helpful to see that people think like you do.

He had no right to quiz you about your past mere weeks into dating and this is a red flag by itself. The fact that he can't face dating you because of your past means you've had a VERY lucky escape.
I've got a colourful past including having cheated. Thankfully my boyfriend understands that my life experiences have been part of my journey and all my previous relationships have formed part of shaping me into the person I am now.
This guy is controlling, judgemental and weird.

As you have only met him a few times, I would have kept my relationship history very vague if he had asked me. Having said that, it might have come up in time in which case it’s better to call it a day now if he has a problem with it.

I'm not saying you would cheat, of course not, but as a PP said, on MN, the majority of women on threads about affairs is that with men it's "once a cheater, always a cheater" and there's no reason to suppose that shouldn't apply to women either. That doubt can often just niggle away and become a big deal to some people and better to stop before it gets there.

I know a couple who are getting married this year. They each have kids and are late 40s. She cheated on her husband, who worshipped her, with new chap. They do seem on the outside very well suited and happy - but she's been in therapy for two years because she can't dispel the notion that her fiance, although single at the time himself, had no compunction in sleeping with her as a married woman (it's not, actually, about her being the cheating party). She is wary of him around other women. It's not healthy and I suspect it will all blow to hell.

I have a female friend whose first marriage in her early 20s lasted six months and her second marriage in her late 20s also lasted six months. I know another whose first marriage lasted A DAY (she did a moonlight flit the same EVENING) and whose second marriage is still going but was in trouble within six months.

Would I marry either of them? No, I probably wouldn't. No one is perfect, and the other parties involved may well have been at fault partly or wholly, but you couldn't not wonder about how well they made their choices and weigh up the possibilities the same would happen third time on your watch.

I'd be interested to know the exact circumstances of every one of his past relationships and whether he ever did anything remotely perceivable as cheating ... But I have a feeling you won't find out.

Reason I say this is that a lot of people -esp men ime - are hypocrites about this. He may or may not be a hypocrite; if he is he's not good relationship material at all.

If you have any further discussion with him, ask him if he's never ever cheated, or anything approaching it, in a relationship and see his reaction. Unless he can say without the slightest reservation that he has never cheated to any extent, you've got yourself a hypocrite .. and an ultimately shit potential partner.
(Of course he could lie, including to himself, but what can you do about that).

Giveherhell - his longest relationship was 3 years. So he maybe hasn’t stuck with things long. He told me he broke off an engagement. I’m starting to think I should be the one running!!

Yeah I'd say it's probably more to do with his commitment issues than anything else!

Codenamevillanelle and sunsetsandmoons - yes my dating etiquette is very rusty. I should have stuck to vague for a few dates!!

Shatners - I get what you are saying.

My experience with this was a man who was horrified and couldnt trust me because I told him I'd cheated in a past relationship. He said he'd never cheated. During the course of the relationship I found out that as a young man he'd gotten involved to some extent with his cousin's fiancee and had actually run away from his home town for a period due to the "heat" from.the situation. He also let slip that his friend got hit when he fucked/moved out of the way quickly and his friend didn't by an irate boyfriend if a girl he was kissing outside a bar/club (don't know whether he knew she was attached or not), and he also said, during these off little boastful, uncircumspecr rants he tended to have as the relationship wore on, something about girls in relationship and how he enjoyed "seeing if you can take her from him".

All this was starting to form a picture of someone who, even if he hadn't cheated on a partner; had definitely cheated with attached women; in fact it was apparently a challenge ... But he totally failed to factor this in when judging my past behaviour. In his view he was conveniently lily white.

He also used my past cheating as one of the reasons he wasn't ok with me socialising separately from him ... But as time went on I realised he'd not been ok with any past partners socialising separately from him either, he had what many people would consider a v controlling & unhealthy attitude to relationships.

All in all it would make me v wary and skeptical about men who are so focused on and judgemental of past relationship behaviour. I'd want to know if they truly are so spotless themselves and how their general attitudes/behaviour in relationships is.

*ducked, not fucked!

Why in the name of god did you tell a guy that you cheated on your ex ages ago? That's just weird. Three dates in, it's insane.

@MorrisZapp

If you read the op, it's clear he asked her direct searching questions, she evidently was uncomfortable lying so was honest about why/how each if her past relationships ended. She was out in a position of having to refuse to answer, outright lie or tell the truth.

*put