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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it over before it even began?

141 replies

Sohardtochooseausername · 09/01/2020 07:57

I met a guy at a party before Christmas and really really like him. He’s gorgeous and we have a lot in common. We have had 3 dates which ended up with us sleeping over at each other’s houses.

There is a major complication - he seemed quite anxious about me and my past relationships and asked me very direct questions about them. I answered honestly and last night he phoned to say he didn’t think he could carry on seeing me because he isn’t sure it’s going to work based on my past.

My past - I’ve been single for 18 months but not had any relationships. Then a 9 year relationship where I was faithful but my exP cheated continuously. Previous to that I was married and I ended the marriage by having an affair.

I feel like I was “punished” for my affair by how my exP treated me! I’m not a cheater - that was the only time I ever did cheat. I don’t think it should affect chances of future happiness. What do you all think? I really like this guy but it doesn’t seem to be starting well!

OP posts:
McTits · 10/01/2020 07:06

Wow there are some judgemental people on here who are obviously perfect themselves! I find all this ‘I’d never be friends with a cheater’ quite shocking! To a certain extent I can understand not wanting to be close friends with someone who only sleeps with men who are attached but this is hardly the same thing as someone who had an exit affair in an abusive or unhappy marriage that is over anyway. What’s the current divorce rate? 50%? In my experience the majority of situations there is somebody else involved at the end of these relationships whether it has become physical or not. This does not make them bad people, humans crave love and affection and if they’re not getting this from their marriage then they will look elsewhere. OP - if he’s that judgemental then you’ve dodged a bullet!

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 10/01/2020 07:10

@P999 I’m starting to think being honest and upfront about things early on in a relationship is a good strategy. I’ll never be ‘found out’ later on and it’s easy to see by the person’s reaction whether they are empathic or judgemental!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 10/01/2020 07:11

@McTits thanks.

Update - he messaged last night ‘hope you had a good day XX’ - - what do I do?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 10/01/2020 07:14

Ignore it. He's already told you how he feels. If you overlooked that it would be very foolish of you.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 10/01/2020 07:15

@codenamevillanelle foolish? Is he playing games?

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 10/01/2020 07:37

I'd leave it if I was you, if there was any hassle at all about a potential relationship only three dates in (all the cheating angst in this case) then I wouldn't pursue it. It's just not going to have a good outcome.

I'm still baffled by the 'I wouldn't even be friends with a cheat' people though as that's just not been my experience. I've always been honest, I'm not ashamed of it or sorry about it either, and I still have all the same friends I did before and many new ones. Maybe the people I know are just a little bit more able to see people as a whole entity, rather than just the product of one action which has nothing to do with them?

AstralPlane · 10/01/2020 07:40

I can understand not wanting to be close friends with someone who only sleeps with men who are attached but this is hardly the same thing as someone who had an exit affair in an abusive or unhappy marriage that is over anyway

Wouldn't completely not be friends but I'd keep them at arms length as is my right.

And exit or not, that's just an excuse to justify. An affairs an affair. We all have different views on it which is fine. I don't get the shock horror and the fact some people can't accept others feel differently.

And wake up call, we are all judgemental about something. You are being judgemental about those who feel differently to you about those who have affairs. Very hypocritical... Each to their own and all that. Don't really understand why it matters if someone feels differently about it, though it makes me wonder why some are so defensive about it...

AstralPlane · 10/01/2020 07:41

I'm still baffled by the 'I wouldn't even be friends with a cheat' people though as that's just not been my experience. I've always been honest, I'm not ashamed of it or sorry about it either, and I still have all the same friends I did before and many new ones

That's good. I'm still baffled about people who cheat... We all have our standards though.

TheReef · 10/01/2020 07:46

Massive red flag OP. I think you had a lucky escape. Everyone has a past, and by some standards yours is pretty average (I don't mean this as an insult). There's nothing there that would bother me in a partner

CodenameVillanelle · 10/01/2020 07:57

You'd be asking for trouble starting a relationship with him.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2020 08:18

I'd probably reply.
Cool and distant.
'Yes thanks, all OK here. Sohard'
Don't put anything in it that requires a response from him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 08:25

I'd leave it. He'll use it against you at some point if you were to get into a relationship. Eventually it'd be his excuse to control you.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 09:21

He'll use it against you at some point if you were to get into a relationship. Eventually it'd be his excuse to control you.

Yup, mine did this.

FinallyHere · 10/01/2020 09:44

It might not feel that way yet, but I really think that you might have dodged a bullet there @sohardtochoiseausername. He might be attractive as a new partner but he is showing you who he is and that isn't very kind or forgiving. Or even adult.

Anyone who claims to have made no mistakes in life may not have learned that much. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who makes judgement based on such limited evidence from so, so long ago.

I'm not condoning an affairs but as an adult I try to have compassion for my own mistakes and for those others have made. I would not want to get involved with someone who wouldn't come clean about their mistakes but if you can admit to and own your CNN mistakes and know what you have learned ...

Surely that's the point of growing up

Good luck to him finding someone who has never made any mistakes. Good luck to him if he has never made any mistakes and do doesn't need any empathy.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 10/01/2020 09:51

Good point @FinallyHere. I think I’m particularly disappointed because he is a) hot and b) I thought he would be the kind of person who was more open minded and willing to challenge himself. Based on what he does for a living.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 09:53

"Willing to challenge himself"?

Relationships shouldn't be hard work though. He probably doesn't want a challenge in his life like that.
What would the challenge be? Continually wooing you to make sure you don't cheat?

FinallyHere · 10/01/2020 09:53

Ah yes, I see

Better to know now, though than later when you are more invested. Sigh.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 10:23

What would the challenge be?

Questioning his black and white judgement & preconceptions perhaps.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 10:25

Continually wooing you to make sure you don't cheat?

Op had been faithful in a nine yr relationship with someone who cheated on her .. so I think we can surmise that she's able to walk down the street without dropping to the ground to allow passing randoms to mount her.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 10:27

I think he'll pursue a relationship with you op, but constantly refer to the cheating in your past relationship, constantly make you reassure him, justify it, apologise for it etc etc and there'll be a lot if wishy washy ness and changeability and lack of commitment and lack of trust from him.

So, he's hot - you've shagged him (presumably) , hopefully it was nice, bug that's probably as much as you should do with him.

mistermagpie · 10/01/2020 10:27

Finally - I think all the people who are still friends with me (including my ex husband) are more of your mindset that some of the ones I've seen on here. People are people, they do things, some are good and some are not. I've done many many good things in my life and I guess my friends must value these more than the one bad thing I did.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 10:28

@GilbertMarkham I agree that she's probably not going to cheat again, but the fact she did in the past is clearly a dealbreaker for him so giving her a shot regardless because he "likes a challenge" would be weird.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 10:31

Also agree with the poster who said that people who are obsessed with cheating are often cheaters themselves.

I'd be v interested to know about his relationship history at 44 of no relationships longed than 3 yrs. Funny how he came away with info about all your past relationshios but you came away with almost none about his .. other than that ended an engagement and didn't specify why.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 10:33

giving her a shot regardless because he "likes a challenge" would be weird.

I believe she meant challenging his preconceptions about one off past infidelity, not a challenge to keep her faithful.

GilbertMarkham · 10/01/2020 10:36

Besides of its his absolute deal-breaker, why is he still contacting her.