Is it over before it even began?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I met a guy at a party before Christmas and really really like him. He’s gorgeous and we have a lot in common. We have had 3 dates which ended up with us sleeping over at each other’s houses.

There is a major complication - he seemed quite anxious about me and my past relationships and asked me very direct questions about them. I answered honestly and last night he phoned to say he didn’t think he could carry on seeing me because he isn’t sure it’s going to work based on my past.

My past - I’ve been single for 18 months but not had any relationships. Then a 9 year relationship where I was faithful but my exP cheated continuously. Previous to that I was married and I ended the marriage by having an affair.

I feel like I was “punished” for my affair by how my exP treated me! I’m not a cheater - that was the only time I ever did cheat. I don’t think it should affect chances of future happiness. What do you all think? I really like this guy but it doesn’t seem to be starting well!

@GilbertMarkham because as we've both said he's probably going to pretend he was being silly then proceed to use it to control her

True, it can't be a complete deal breaker. But I'm still not sure I would be up for continuing something with someone who was judgemental towards me - seems a bit daft.

I wouldn't necessarily see the 'no relationship longer than three years' thing as an issue though, it depends on the circumstances. My SIL is in that situation, in fact hers is probably not longer than a year, but she's travelled globally and for long periods for work her whole career and that has made it difficult to keep a relationship going. She's lovely though and would be a great catch if it wasn't for the travelling.

He explained the 3 years thing as being about his work - he travels a lot. The women he was with got sick of his work coming first. That wouldn’t bother me as I’m pretty career driven.

By challenge I meant challenging his prejudices and preconceptions, not that keeping me faithful is the challenge!!

OP I’ve met these ones before... stay away. He will use it against you in some way, it will be an excuse as to why he can get away with treating your poorly. If he really meant it he would have just said goodbye and left it at that. It’s totally fine to have your own dealbreakers but I have a feeling it’s not about that - it’s a way to avoid commitment and intimacy with someone

Him contacting you sounds like he's playing games. Might be testing you to see how much crap you'll put up with.

he travels a lot. The women he was with got sick of his work coming first

Lots of people who travel for work, work abroad, work on oil rigs etc etc and kits if people with high powered, demanding careers are or have been in long term relationships, there's something up with him.

Plus the "I think it's a deal breaker, but anyway how are you today hun" shit is dodge, sorry.

Rather cynical I know, but why do I have the feeling your past infidelity is going to be the reason he can't get into a committed relationship that's going somewhere with you; but not a reason he can't shag you on an ongoing basis til he doesn't feel like it anymore.

(And what Menora said).

@gilbertmarkham this is exactly why I am sitting on my hands not messaging him back!! (Even though he is hot and a few more no-strings meet ups could be fun. But not if he is being all judgemental at the same time.)

“ Rather cynical I know, but why do I have the feeling your past infidelity is going to be the reason he can't get into a committed relationship that's going somewhere with you; but not a reason he can't shag you on an ongoing basis til he doesn't feel like it anymore.”

This. I think he sounds a bit like he’s playing games, like he’s doing something a lot like negging where he finds a weakness or imperfection and makes it into this big deal to make op feel like she’s on the back foot and she has to run herself ragged giving him the perfect girlfriend experience in a relationship which at the minute is just two people casually dating. It’s not even been a month. Some people wouldn’t even be asking if the current set up is exclusive yet, never mind wanting chapter and verse on your previous set ups. I’d cheerily reply that i’m doing great thanks but would rather not stay in contact as you don’t feel like you’re compatible and then block him.

This feels suspiciously like the beginning of my last relationship!!! Are there any hot and nice guys out there??? I’m not a masochist

In the past I'd have thought "he must have had a think about it, realised he was being over the top/too black and white likes me a lot ... And that's why he's contacting me" ...

Now, unfortunately I'd be inclined to think he's dismissed you as serious relationship potential (if he was ever even open to that) but is still contacting you for ongoing "fun", having covered himself by telling you what he found out about your past relationship was a deal breaker.

Or he's willing to get involved but is going to be untrusting, flippy-floppy, half assed , not be able to let it go etc.

Also have to say the v good looks and no long relationships by 44 etc have "player!!" sounding in my head.

Like pps have said, the people who whittle most about cheating tend to be projecting. He probably has a bit of double standards or madonna/whore complex going on and wants to keep his options open but doesn’t like the thought of you doing the same to him so he’s engineered a situation where he gets to blow hot and cold but you’re stuck feeling like you have to go all out to prove you’re girlfriend material. Whatever, you only met last month, it shouldn’t be hard work like this.

He phoned you to say he didn't think he could see you ongoing and now texts you? I'd say he is still interested but he has told you that he can't see you as a longterm partner.

Wait for him to start questioning where you have been and with who - he won't trust you.

“ Whatever, you only met last month, it shouldn’t be hard work like this.”

This is what I needed to hear! Thanks @MadameButterface!

Ahh good luck out there op. It’s not a good sign that he is finding reasons to criticise you so early on is it? Most normal people at this time want to show our best sides and make the person in question feel liked and special. Fair enough if he’d said ‘ah i think our approach to fidelity is incompatible to let’s call it a day’ and left it at that but with him still messaging you it seems more of a ploy he’s dreamt up to keep you dangling and desperate to please him. He could even be seeing other people 😵 and that’s why he needed to set up his reasons for going all distant on you.

(Fwiw and this is not a popular view on mn, imo there is cheating and cheating - an exit affair when young is a different thing entirely to serial philandering imo - I don’t think it makes you a bad person. We’re all works in progress and i believe that the ten years between 20s and 30s changes us a hell of a lot)