Wow the hypocrisy on here is astounding.
OP, it sounds as if you’re still holding everyone else for your behaviours and choices. So your marriage ended because you had an affair, understandable in the circumstances given there was infidelity on both sides of the marriage, although still not justifiable. You can say “I had an affair because he cheated on me,” but while the affair is understandable two wrongs don’t make a right.
From the bloke’s perspective, he has started a relationship with someone who has form for cheating. Doesn’t matter if you’ve done it once or ten times, you still did it. I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat but you simply can’t say “I’m not a cheat” because you are.
Everyone has their deal-breakers, and for him this is one of them. To claim that he’s obviously controlling and probably not whiter than white in his previous relationships is attempting to brush off and justify your previous actions and hold him responsible for judging you on that basis.
My marriage ended because I had an affair. It was an emotionally abusive marriage in every way, and I ended up having an affair (well it was an emotional affair and then we slept together once).
The reasons why I had the affair are understandable. Have written about the circs on here before but basically h who was controlling, gaslighting, emotionally abusive, isolated me from family and friends and other support and the list goes on.
But while I can absolutely look back at any affair and say that affairs are not black and white. While there is often a reason for them happening this doesn’t brush out the wrong that they are.
I have a partner now who knows my history and understands and is with me regardless. But when you have a transgression in your past, you do so in the knowledge and acceptance that this will affect how people see you in the future. That’s not their issue to deal with, you made the choices you made and those choices will sometimes have long-term consequences.
There are posters on here who wouldn’t even be friends with someone they knew to have previously had an affair, and anyone stating that someone they were becoming involved with had stated that they’d had an affair previously would be told to run for the hills.
Any man who came on here and said that he’d cheated but he wasn’t a cheat because it only happened the once would be crucified.
I’m sorry that things haven’t worked out here, but IMO you need to think about coming to terms with yourself first, and accepting how things are based on the choices you’ve made previously.