Is it over before it even began?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I met a guy at a party before Christmas and really really like him. He’s gorgeous and we have a lot in common. We have had 3 dates which ended up with us sleeping over at each other’s houses.

There is a major complication - he seemed quite anxious about me and my past relationships and asked me very direct questions about them. I answered honestly and last night he phoned to say he didn’t think he could carry on seeing me because he isn’t sure it’s going to work based on my past.

My past - I’ve been single for 18 months but not had any relationships. Then a 9 year relationship where I was faithful but my exP cheated continuously. Previous to that I was married and I ended the marriage by having an affair.

I feel like I was “punished” for my affair by how my exP treated me! I’m not a cheater - that was the only time I ever did cheat. I don’t think it should affect chances of future happiness. What do you all think? I really like this guy but it doesn’t seem to be starting well!

Tbh I would've got up and gone when he started questioning me like that. You hardly know him and he feels free to judge you.

It was I who made the ‘worst pain’ statement!

@Inappropriatefemale yeah I quoted your comment (didn't tag anyone) and I think OP took it as a dig, which it wasn't

No I thought you said it to the person because you thought they made that comment, not because I thought you were having a dig.

I should have made myself clear.

You cheated on your husband. He doesn’t like cheaters. You proclaim you’re not a cheater.

You are.

If a man wrote this on MN he’d get a flaming so stop feeling sorry for yourself and don’t cheat on anyone else.

I wouldn’t disclose this to a virtual stranger anyway. Also I do believe something stupid you did once 20 years ago doesn’t define you for life. If it was recent then yes I might judge someone

Well. It depends, doesn't it?

Why did his previous relationships fail?

Was he cheated on by a previous partner and had his heart broken, or is he one of those men who are naturally deeply suspicious and can't trust any woman not to be cheating on them and sleeping around all the time? If it is the latter, then you have dodged a bullet. If the former, then you can't blame him really.

I would also see his behaviour as a red flag. Not his decision to end things because you cheated in the past (totally his prerogative), but because he is questioning you about the detail of your past relationships after only 3 dates, it just seems odd to me out of all the million things he doesn't know about you, he is focussing on your behaviour in a relationship with people he will never meet. I think its because abusive men often use their partners past behaviour to justify their jealousy/ abuse / control etc...that doesnt mean he is abusive, but it is a red flag for me that he was asking so early.

In my opinion, I would feel uncomfortable going out with a 'cheater' as past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour. However I personally don't class one incident in your 20s that you regret as being anything more than a mistake and if youd remained faithful for a long time in your subsequent relationship then I'd overlook it, I guess everyone is different though

I see his point, I wouldn't get involved with someone who'd cheated.
I'm not interested in mitigating circumstances, how long ago, how it was your partners fault etc, that's all just bullshit. Cheating shows that within your character you are capable of dishonesty and that you lack personal courage.
People in bad relationships can use courage to either address the issues or leave - it's not rocket science. To cheat shows morale weakness and fragility.

Anyway that's just my opinion. Don't care if I'm shot down for it. Bottom line is there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you meet someone not aligned to your values you just politely wish them all the best and move on. To compromise on your values and what you believe is to look in the mirror and not like what you see staring back at you which would be a very sad way to live. Or you're just desperate for a relationship and don't back yourself enough to find someone better, which is probably even sadder and destined for future failure.

I think discussing past relationships is fine, and I also think it's fine to feel some caution if someone has had an affair in the past. However, what you describe with being over-anxious and questioning you closely seems over the top for me. I think it's a good thing he has bowed out now, as it seems like the alternative is him being over-anxious and suspicious of you from the word go.

Ahem... the worst pain I have suffered is just the same as the worst pain anyone else has suffered

It’s all relative. The worst is the worst and it doesn’t stop any one of us being empathetic and kind.

@Sohardtochooseausername I get it, you’re ready to be loved, but you’re still vulnerable

This guy was showing a huge row of red flags all fluttering for all to see.

How dare he judge you for something that happened decades ago.

He doesn’t have to accept everyone or anyone if he’s got hang ups about some things and infidelity is a sore spot for many

His relationship cv and yours however show that you can stick at it. He can’t.

Only ever in a 3yr relationship and he’s in his 40s? Biggest sign you’ll ever get mate!

You learned something here, it may not be the last lesson, but you’ll survive them all and one day you’ll find the person who loves you for you, and someone you can trust and love wholeheartedly

Wallow for a bit, by all means, but then you’ll pick yourself back up, dust yourself down with a little bit thicker skin than before and carry on.

Im sure you're lovely and all but I'm afraid I'd be the same. I would not get involved in a relationship where my partner had cheated in a marriage without there being exceptional circumstances.

I'm sorry but a lot of men (and women) would feel like this.

I'm a cheat, sort of - I left my husband for another man. So it wasn't an 'affair' as such, in that there wasn't any sneaking around for months or anything and I would have left my husband anyway eventually, but there was betrayal and deceit involved of course. There always is.

Luckily for me I married the person I cheated with and we have now been married for five times as long as my first marriage and have three children together. We're really happy and I have absolutely no regrets, but this is not the norm. I also know I would never cheat again, for lots of reasons, and my husband knows it too, but I don't expect anyone else to believe that. Not does it matter if they don't.

All that said, I completely understand people who judge what I did. I don't care but I understand it. If things were different I also would understand any man who didn't want to pursue a relationship with me because of the cheating. I have my deal breakers too, we all do.

I would move on from this but next time maybe don't tell a virtual stranger all about your past. It's really none of his business and it doesn't matter if he asks probing questions - you have every right not to answer them. His behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me actually!

We all have preferences or dealbreakers when forming romantic relationships. He has every right not to continue to pursue this one for whatever reason, in the same way you are. Maybe he's been cheated on himself in the past and considers that as you've cheated on a previous partner, you are more likely to cheat on him than perhaps someone who has never cheated on a partner?

Well said.

Don't be too disheartened op. Clock it up to a learning curve. You don't have to reveal everything about yourself, and certainly not in the very early days. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Thank you @mistermagpie and @windmillwhirl - just a slap in the face and a reminder to be more careful. I’ll be ok in a few days.

Of course you will be ok. Don't beat yourself up. It's very easy to overshare when you feel comfortable and at ease with someone. You didn't kill anyone, so try and keep some perspective x

I doubt he's faultless himself - I've encountered few people who are - and I think he would be a judgemental, anxious, negative insecure pain in the ass to be in a relationship with.

@gilbertmarkham - you are probably right. Half of me is sad about this, the other half is outraged and bemused.

I'm in my forties. One thing I have learned is to never go into detail about my past relationships. At best they'll judge you on it and change their behaviour and perception of you no matter how slightly, at worst they'll use it as a stick to beat you with. I only speak factually and generically about my exes and don't go into too much detail and certainly not when I am only just getting to know someone.

He's probably using as an excuse because he didn't want to carry on seeing you.

However I wouldn't date a cheat. I really wouldn't trust them. So I don't blame him .

I wouldn’t date someone who I knew had an affair, no matter how lovely they seemed by date 3. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, why choose someone who from the start doesn’t appear to share your values? I think that’s perfectly reasonable. But that means there are plenty of fish in the sea for you too, so I wouldn’t get too worked up over this.

He is a twat. Should not have asked those questions - only a twat would do that.

@Sohardtochooseausername

Totally understandable.

But do you know what; this is better than the one I was in a relationship with who referred back to it regularly, used it as an excuse to try to stop me socialising without him (he didn't want any separate socialising full stop so it was irrelevant) and turned out to be a generally insecure, judgemental, hypocritical wanker that I couldn't stay in a (healthy, functional) relationship with anyway. I put up with over a year of it - with stress (and anticipated stress) every month or two.

Also what he's missing is that he could very well end up in a relationship with someone who's cheated; just one who knows how to keep her mouth shut or lie.

I've also encounters plenty of people who are not honest, with themselves, let alone prospective partners and who have wide interpretation of "white lies".

He sees a red flag in your behaviour because you cheated in the past. You're seeing a red flag in his behaviour because he's questioning you. That's all there is to say really - as much as you really like him it just doesn't seem like it can work out. Many, many people are completely black and white about cheating, whatever the circumstances are. Sounds like he's one of them.