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Original poster

Is it over before it even began?

141 replies

Sohardtochooseausername · 09/01/2020 07:57

I met a guy at a party before Christmas and really really like him. He’s gorgeous and we have a lot in common. We have had 3 dates which ended up with us sleeping over at each other’s houses.

There is a major complication - he seemed quite anxious about me and my past relationships and asked me very direct questions about them. I answered honestly and last night he phoned to say he didn’t think he could carry on seeing me because he isn’t sure it’s going to work based on my past.

My past - I’ve been single for 18 months but not had any relationships. Then a 9 year relationship where I was faithful but my exP cheated continuously. Previous to that I was married and I ended the marriage by having an affair.

I feel like I was “punished” for my affair by how my exP treated me! I’m not a cheater - that was the only time I ever did cheat. I don’t think it should affect chances of future happiness. What do you all think? I really like this guy but it doesn’t seem to be starting well!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 09/01/2020 19:34

@mzhz felt a bit teary reading that. That’s where I am right now.

OP posts:
AstralPlane · 09/01/2020 19:47

To be fair I wouldn't be with someone who'd previously had an affair because I'd feel like if they'd done it to someone they'd committed to then they'd be perfectly capable of doing it to me, too.

Agree. I'm with him. Some people do not want to associate with people even as friends who have had an affair as they are wary of trusting that person. So having a relationship with someone who did takes alot of trust. He doesn't know it was a one off, it might not be either, you did it once you can do it again.

Its completely within his rights for that trait to be a deal breaker. I'm a bit surprised by some of the comments tbh. If it were a woman asking about a man she was dating based on his past the replies would be different, I've seen similar threads the other way round. It's his prerogative and I'd feel the same.

GilbertMarkham · 09/01/2020 20:08

Some people who've cheated will cheat again, some won't.

It's a crap shoot but generally if it was the exception to the rule in their relationships, your chances are better.

The thing in reality about such black and white rules are a. You only know as much as the person tells you of you find out ... So lots of people thinking they're enforcing rules could be delusional

B. that the number of candidates who have truly never ever been involved in any infidelity actually seems very small, so you are making your pool even smaller and your mission of finding a partner even more difficult. Some may think "well it's worth it" but being single for years and dismissing candidate after candidate (some of whom may fall into the 'did it in a failing relationship, immature, learned from it etc etc." category, in fact most people become less sexually motivated as they get older) may not be entirely the ideal route (?)

Op, I do have to add that I wonder if he's partly used it as an excuse as he's not feeling it entirely fur whatever reason .. who knows.

mistermagpie · 09/01/2020 20:33

Those of you who wouldn't even associate with someone who cheated probably already do, you know? Most don't actually advertise it.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 09/01/2020 20:54

I could never put anyone through what I’ve just been through. Honestly. PPs who’ve said your 40s is different to your 20s are right. I made a mistake back then. I’ve spent a long time trying to live right. I was badly treated in my last relationship but stuck with it (rightly or wrongly) long after I should have walked. I’m a mum. I have to set a good example.

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AstralPlane · 09/01/2020 21:50

Those of you who wouldn't even associate with someone who cheated probably already do, you know? Most don't actually advertise it.

Absolutely but many do and it's up to each individual to decide what traits are undesirable as a friend or partner.... We all have the right to decide that for ourselves.

In this case the partner was told about the OPs history and they decided it wasn't what they wanted. I can't see the problem in them making that decision for themselves. It's not a trait I'd want in a partner, not sure why that's a problem for others.

And in a friend I'd keep them at arms length if at all. They can treat someone they love that way, imagine what they can do to just a friend. It's just my decision.

Those who keep it to themselves, people know no different. So it's probably better not to tell people if you are or have been that sort of person if you don't want to be judged on that.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 09/01/2020 21:53

Isn’t it worse not to be honest about it though?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 09/01/2020 22:07

They can treat someone they love that way, imagine what they can do to just a friend.

The poinr is that many people who chat (in exit affairs for example) don't really love the person any more! (There are other issues like respect, integrity of course).

Also for the sake of argument, romantic/partner relationships have a different dynamic to friendships. While done people who cheat (serial cheats for eg) are often all round sociopath crappy people, some can be good friends but shitty partners (or a shitty partner to someone they don't want to be with anymore but haven't had the impetus or balls to leave before another live interest came along).

GilbertMarkham · 09/01/2020 22:13

Isn’t it worse not to be honest about it though?

Absolutely.

But many people wouldn't be. That's what I find so ironic about these black and white "never will a cheater darken my door!" folks .. you haven't got a clue what someone's fine unless they tell you or you find out some other way. People married to people for decades often don't know the half of what they've done (or still get up to in some cases. I've dated an older man who.tild me that every middle aged (married with kids and in many cases grandkids) in his golf hol group frequented brothels in Portugal every trip there, I imagine their wives think they're well past that, wouldn't have sex with a girl young enough to be their daughrer if not grand daughter, wouldn't cheat full stop - they're wrong). Some people of both sexes see lying to partners/the opposite sex as par for the course and do it like breathing.

RantyAnty · 09/01/2020 22:16

It was far too soon to be grilling you and he shouldn't have been at all. You have no way of knowing if he was telling the truth.

Just because someone asks doesn't mean you have to tell them. Set strong boundaries about that.

I've done a few things I'm not proud of and me not disclosing it doesn't make me dishonest. It was 40 years ago and nobodys business. It has nothing to do with now.

This 100% honesty is a farce.
Like people in job interviews are 100% truthful. When you're asked what do you want this job you're not going to say, I don't really but I need money to live. They're not going to disclose your boss will be a micromanaging bell end and the guy that you'll sit next to eats fish at his desk.

GilbertMarkham · 09/01/2020 22:18

Mr. Torquemada may be (partly) just using it as an excuse, who knows - but good luck to him finding a woman who's totally brutally honest and who's never ever been involved in a hint of cheating. He may just get lied to by someone more sly.

Also, still maintain that no relationship longer than 3 yrs is a big ol' red flag.

Sunsetsandmoons · 09/01/2020 22:18

Yes I was going to say, you didn’t have to tell him.

GilbertMarkham · 09/01/2020 22:21

@RantyAnty

That reminded me of BJD "I shagged the boss and have to leave" 😁.

P999 · 09/01/2020 23:13

He sounds way too judgemental to me, if that was his reason. His decision, but maybe also his loss. And it sounds like you went through hell. Red flag for me would be someone who cheated but didn't admit to self or others it was wrong. Serial cheats constantly justify and make excuses. People who make mistakes but face it honestly and head on and learn tend to be MORE trustworthy IMO. Flowers

P999 · 09/01/2020 23:13

Went through hell in your last marriage

P999 · 09/01/2020 23:28

I can guess why he's only had 3 years. Too damn fussy and judgy

AstralPlane · 10/01/2020 00:21

Isn’t it worse not to be honest about it though?

Its fine to be honest but it's also fine for that to be a deal breaker for the other person.

The poinr is that many people who chat (in exit affairs for example) don't really love the person any more! (There are other issues like respect, integrity of course).

Then they should leave, that's a whole different topic. But I don't think there's ever an excuse for an affair and anyone using that to get out of a relationship or any other lame excuse they give to justify it isn't someone I'd want to be close to. Each to their own.

Also for the sake of argument, romantic/partner relationships have a different dynamic to friendships.

To an extent yes but some people would rather not associate intentionally and have close friends with those morals. Totally their prerogative. I don't care what others

AstralPlane · 10/01/2020 00:23

Oops hit enter too soon.
I don't care what others do or how they view it. We all have the right to decide what types of people we want relationships with be it friend or partner.

P999 · 10/01/2020 00:54

OP. I think its good you were honest. Personally, it would have made me like you more. And I probably would have felt empathy for the hard times you had. Not castifated you for them. To each their own!

P999 · 10/01/2020 00:54

castigated. Sorry. Rubbish spelling

Inappropriatefemale · 10/01/2020 01:16

I often think that people that are occupied with thoughts of their partners cheating are the cheats themselves.

Inappropriatefemale · 10/01/2020 01:18

Exactly P999 the OP could have lied yet she told the truth and he would’ve been nine the wiser anyway.

I reckon he has cheated before too, as I said above then some folks that are preoccupied with thoughts of their partners cheating, are cheats themselves and their own cheating behaviour stops them from trusting others.

Inappropriatefemale · 10/01/2020 01:18

None not nine.

Inappropriatefemale · 10/01/2020 01:21

I would never stop being friends with someone who cheated on their partners, after all it’s nothing to do with our friendship.

However I wouldn’t be friends with a woman that had been with other women’s men more than once, I had a friend like this and she was so very insecure that the only way she felt validated was by sleeping with other women’s men, she was so jealous of most women and she had been with numerous men who were married, had girlfriends and when she slept with her sisters partner twice then that was the end of our friendship!

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 10/01/2020 07:04

”This 100% honesty is a farce.
Like people in job interviews are 100% truthful. When you're asked what do you want this job you're not going to say, I don't really but I need money to live. They're not going to disclose your boss will be a micromanaging bell end and the guy that you'll sit next to eats fish at his desk.”

LOL!!

OP posts: