The Happy Singleton - All welcome!

[SirChing]

Hello, following a thread where I discussed how happy and excited I was to have consciously decided to be single for 2020, it seems there are loads of us out there: People who are single through choice and happy about it.

Some plan on being single forever, some for a shorter time, but none of us are dating or want to date at the moment. We are too busy focusing on the important things in life: us!

This is a thread for anyone who wants to join it, to support and encourage each other, to discuss what we have or hope to learn by being single, and to discuss random practical stuff, like which companies don't charge single supplements for holidays.

Come on in and pull up a chair if you fancy a chat.

Happy 2020 all

@Upyerbum70 Or maybe dead with your cats WEARING your dental implants?

@Mumra84 Welcome! I am in awe of you having four kids and not being doo-lally! What a woman you are. I struggle with my one DD. I bow down to your parenting abilities!

@mildlymiffed my house is a Victorian money pit too. BUT I have had so much done now that it's a case of better the devil you know. And I do love it. It's cosy, just big enough for us, a two minute drive to my mum's. 10 min walk to school. Shop and Chinese take away at the bottom of the road. And lovely neighbours. It's not posh or glam, but I love it. It has character.

AND you have so much choice of how to do an older property. You can do it in an older style or modern. Newer houses look daft done in an older style. I can't wait to get mine redecorated and recarpeted this year. Hooray!

Yes She-ra a hero of mine haha too right she would not stand for any of that s**t! Yes kids nicknamed me mumra as made them watch loads of old school cartoons lots of he-man and She-ra, dogtanian! Although mummra is a baddy in thunder-cats but I ignore that. Hope the leak sorted soon and handsome plumber a bonus! One of my greatest friends is male too I’m sure your mate and the meal will be fine, Valentine’s Day just another day for single people don’t think about it too much you’ve made it very clear in the nicest possible way it’s not a date so that’s out there now. Just be careful not to forget that after a few too many drinks if drinking!

@SirChing still getting the hang of this as new on here just seen how to tag.
Haha thank you but ohhhh yes I’m sure I am doolally but happy too! Live in large Victorian or maybe Georgian actually house with my four children my Mumma her wife and their four dogs and my cat so all kinds of chaos here but it’s great there is room for everyone to have there own space and getting it all decorated and done up bit by bit!

@SirChing Pilates and swimming, try that. Swimming especially is very gentle on your body and it supports your weight. Nothing much, just 12 lengths twice a week. And Pilates is fantastic for your core strength. It’s so good for you!

I don’t think I’d have time for a partner now! I prefer to go to park run to a lazy morning in bed with someone, the mere thought irritates me.

Anyway, Valentine’s Day. I’m working. The plan is nice food and Netflix in the evening, after a swim.
:)

I agree 're exercise. I do a lot. Planning that me and the 🐕 will do a 14 mile walk on Friday. Then suspect it will just be bath and bed. Then we are going away for a walking weekend. Hope the weather calms down.⚡💧☔☔☔

@SirChing hope you're feeling stronger soon, I have a colleague with fibro and she can be fine then suddenly feel appalling and has to just ride it out.

Lots of people have mentioned loneliness. I do feel lonely sometimes, I adore my house, have friends and family nearby. Whenever I feel like it, I do remember how heart achingly lonely and miserable I felt in the last couple of months of my marriage. No matter how alone I might feel at times, nothing feels as awful as feeling lonely in a relationship, not understanding the sense of disconnectedness whilst your husband is having an affair and you don't actually know yet.

On a more cheerful note, although me and my ex never celebrated valentines anyway, I've taken a half day off work on Friday and planning to go and see a film on my own!

@Mumra84 Your house sounds bonkers and fabulous! A very matriarchal set up. My mum and her wife spend loads of time with my DD and me. Its so lovely having lots of supportive women all helping each other.

@BuddhaAtSea and @Accidentalaccountant - thanks for the exercise advice. My local gym does swimming and Pilates classes so I may go and have a look. I can take DD swimming there too if I join which would be good. Long dog walks sound great. I used to do lots of rambling. Would love to get into it again but can't walk far enough at the moment.

@Mulberry974 I agree that NOTHING is lonelier than being lonely with someone. My exH now admits he emotionally checked out of our marriage three years before I ended it. It was bloody dreadful. We get on well now but I will always be a bit pissed off that he didn't say anything earlier. I was trying to save a marriage that couldn't be saved.

Your Valentine's day plan sounds like a good idea!

@Mulberry974

Thanks for the reply, yes what you say makes sense, i am sure that they are just looking out for me, but through their own eyes.

I had a bit of a wobble that day, have still been in contact with exDP and have cleared the air of a few things that needed clearing, so i think it will be easier to move on now.

Valentines day - just messaged my friend to see if we should be off out somewhere. Of course the dc both have plans which involves some dropping and fetching, so I think in between that, lord help everyone, there might be a spot of karaoke I have not done karaoke in at least 20 years.

I was catching up with this thread at work today skiving haven't read it for a while. Also reading other threads on the relationships board constantly reinforces my relief that I am single.

@BuddhaAtSea reading your post about exercise prompted me to put a Pilates Youtube video on earlier. Haven't done it in absolutely ages and after flopping on the mat for a while when I finished, I had this amazing energy! I asked Alexa to play some funky 80s music, then I thought how my ex wouldn't like listening to music and turned it down once when we were all having a boogie - so I ramped it up really loud and had a bit of a dance with my son and the dog then a really cool song came on Id not heard for donkeys years... A single life by Cameo! Made me think of this thread and made me feel bloody brilliant!

I spent years feeling sad on Valentines day. Constantly let down or yearning to be with someone... Now I couldn't give a shit, I really think its crap and puts forced pressure on people to be romantic. Friday's my day off and it happens to be my friend's birthday on Valentines day so I'm taking her for lunch at a cool place... there'd better not be any 'special' menus or they can fuck right off!!!

Not sure if the link will work! Single Life by Cameo!!!

This video was truly enjoyable to watch. Thank you.

Evening tribe! Feeling much revived and happier today... that's the yo-yo effect again! But it's been a good day.

Valentines I am spending with a lovely single mum friend of mine. I've agreed to go round with an M&S valentines meal deal! I don't feel sad about it actually. Better to be spending it with my lovely friend, then worrying about how pissed the boyfriend would have gotten, or how miserable my ex husband would have been!

I'd love to exercise more... but between parenting and working full time I find there isn't much time. Have to get back into lunchtime running...

Well its been a bad night.

(Trigger warning. Rape).

I was raped a couple of years ago and still get physical problems from it occasionally. It's playing up again and I am in pain. I have sat here and really cried about it for the first time in a long time. Not because of the actual incident itself, but more because he showed me who he was and, because I see the good in people, didn't believe that he was as horrible as he made himself out to be. I had fallen in love with him, and thought he had fallen for me too. But the more I cared, the more he seemed to hate me, because he hated himself. And then he raped and badly sexually assaulted me.

It upsets me now because I feel stupid. Why have I seen the best in so many men who actually just aren't nice people? It's like I can't get my head around the fact that horrible people exist. So I seem to have a flashing light on my head saying "predators and addicts, come this way".

I don't want to be bitter and jaded. But since I split with my exH, I have met so many awful men. Men who want women on the side, women to be used as "cum dumps", women to facilitate their addictions. And not one has felt like they wanted me for me. Just for what I can give them. I feel like it's my fault for being too nice. So they think it's ok to exploit me.

I don't even know what I am trying to say. Just that this physical thing is a lasting reminder that lots of men are really horrible. And I dont know how to process that in a way that doesn't turn me into someone horrible, or into someone who tars all men with the same brush.

Sorry for rambling. Just a bad day.

@SirChing I am so sorry you've been through this. And from the other side of the country I am offering you massive hugs, and sending you love.

You don't attract the wrong men. You've been unlucky I promise. None of this is your fault. However, you do need to put up some method of guarding yourself. You sound so similar to me sometimes it's unreal. I also see the best in people. I went on many dates when me and ExH finished, because I thought everyone deserved a chance, and in my head that was the best way to date. Like you there were some real scumbags in there- not to the extent that you've described- but ones that I should have screened out earlier. But simply put, I'm too nice, and too keen to see the best in people. The ones who were married, the ones with addictions, the twats- I gave them all the benefit of the doubt- and let them bamboozle me.

There are nice men out there. I'm sure of it. I'm too hurt at the moment to look or want to look, but maybe one day. Never saying never. But what I do know now is that someone will have to work hard for me to let them in. I have my own home, really good job, I'm a good mum, and I'm clever- 1st class degree from a red brick university clever, and I'm well travelled. But I have had an inability to turn on the bullshit detector. However, I am becoming aware of my failings- so at least I'm learning.

Be kind to yourself today please @SirChing . Don't think of this as your fault. You were being nice and kind. They weren't. I think you're great. Articulate and funny in your posts. And you've created this haven that I've turned to often over the last months. That in itself makes you amazing! MM x

Crap- my message is all bold. Sorry missus

Just wanted to send a hug too @SirChing and to agree with @Mildlymiffed, there are kind men around but you've had some awful luck, but you don't attract the awful behaviour. Hope today improves for you.

Popping by to offer SirChing a virtual hug. Maybe the tears are a necessary part of the processing of what happened to you? Sometimes we can go into a state of 'extended freeze' after a traumatic event and it takes the feelings and emotions time to percolate their way down and be dealt with.

I've been absent from the thread lately as I'm busy with the house stuff and I'm off to visit my daughter in Oz at the end of the week, so preps for that too. But I shall be thinking of you all, as I lie stretched and bronzing on an Australian beach, and wishing you all well.

Thank you so much everyone. @mildlymiffed I think we may be the same person!

@Mulberry974 thanks for the flowers. I have had a sleep and feel much better now.

@Zaphodsotherhead thanks for the virtual hug. Off to Oz? You jammy bugger! Have a wonderful time abd enjoy every minute with your daughter x

Thanks for the kindness peeps. I definitely need a better bullshit filter. For sure!

@sirching so sorry that you’ve been hit by sadness and upset and glad that you’re gradually coming out the other side. Sleep is the best thing ever. Hope you can treat yourself nicely tonight. You’re such a support to others on here - you’re obviously a lovely kind person. I’m just sorry that there are people that take advantage. 💐

@Upyerbum70 Aw thank you so much. That's really sweet of you. Things feel much better in the cold light of day. I hope your mouth isn't too sore today (and that the cats haven't eaten your face and stolen your implants! )

Hoping today is a better day SirChing, and that we each can be our own St Valentine. I am going to be romantic with myself today because I deserve it. I feell chocolate may be on the cards somewhere (but first I have a breast screening and a long run, so I will feel virtuous AND romantic).

Am Left wondering today why people can’t simply be polite and respectful to each other. I’m at work and my 26 yr old colleague has done nothing but make my life a misery for the last 2 months (since I started here) . I’m old enough to ignore - though I did slightly lose it today. I’m waiting to speak with my supervision to let him the situation and that I don’t come to work for this shit. The upshot is she’s quite troubled, lonely, has health issues and not many friends. So I can see that... but I’ll be working alone from now on. Why can’t people just be kind? Sorry to rant...but it’s come to a head today.

@Zaphodsotherhead that's exactly the approach we should be taking! We can all be our own Valentine's! Feeling much better thanks. I have chocolate, a Valentine's card from a mystery admirer, and a new book to read, so that's my evening sorted. A run and chocolate sounds great. And even the breast screen - it may not be nice but self care is so important.

@Upyerbum70 - oh no. Your colleague sounds like such a pain in the arse. Behaviour like that is bound to get you down in the dumps. You don't go to work for that crap. It sounds like she tries to pull others down to make herself feel better. She obviously feels jealous and threatened by you. Silly girl needs to cop onto herself before she finds herself out of a job. Sending huge hugs and a gag for your colleagues gob

Glad you're feeling a bit better @SirChing that sounds a lot to be processing.

I'm feeling a bit discombobulated today. V day was never a thing when I was married so it's not like I'm missing anything, but it's just so in your face everywhere today
I've bought and started reading a book which a friend said I must read: what smart women know. I don't think I'm very smart from what I've read so far...

I've got a bottle of rose and my lovely two kids and I'm trying to be content with that.